Currently playing: Turn Off The Lights by Teddy Pendergrass

*a disclaimer that I’m going to be talking about sex so family and teachers, do not read this lmao* Also this post might not sound the best and I might just keep it in my drafts but who knows. I’m trying to let go of the perfectionism by remembering that well yes I do write for others, but more than anything, I write for myself. And this is my blog so I can really write whatever I want so go me.

Ugh I’ve been thinking a lot right. Been crying a lot as well but that’s always a given. I had therapy today and I brought of the fact that I’m always looking for words to describe an experience. I get frustrated with myself when I can’t find 3D words to describe what’s going on with me. All I can do is just feel. So I’m going to move forward with leaning into the feelings rather than the words. Because it’s not that I don’t have the correct words, it’s that I have all the words I need. Plus, you can’t always use words to describe an experience, that takes away the magic. And ugh speaking of magic, I see sex as something so magical and revitalizing.

I’ve been celibate for about a year now. The first time I broke my celibacy, I felt really sad. I felt as if I let myself down. The second time I broke my celibacy, it felt right! I felt myself. And ugh this is where my throat starts to itch because I want to gag when I speak the truth from my soul. And it’s just the simple fact that I really am a whole ass sexual being. I truly adore this part of myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love celibacy and it’s taught me so much about myself. But just having that shared intimacy with someone again sparked my soul in a way I didn’t know it needed. Maybe it wasn’t the most perfect sex and I didn’t get the romance that I was dreaming of, but god did I get the space to be myself and it felt fucking fantastic. I truly feel like a goddess when I am well, providing pleasure to myself and others. It fulfills me. It runs electrical currents throughout my body. I guess it’s just hard being honest about this because I’ve been over-sexualized and overly labeled for so long. I just want to be me. And me is someone who very much enjoys sex, foreplay (hours and hours and hours), and being so vulnerable with a partner. It’s not that I don’t feel myself when I’m celibate, but just that moment of allowing my sexual goddess come out felt so magical. All I could do was thank that partner for just allowing me to be so raw and open with someone after so long of not having been. And honestly I felt like a newb lol. But I had no reason to worry because I’m pretty fucking fantastic at being Alexis.

Alexis is everything under the sun and moon. A phenomenal walking paradox.

See I’m 22 right now but I’ve lived many many lives. And I suppose in this lifetime, at this current period in my life, I just want to be a single ethical slut. Which is crazy to me because monogamy has felt so engrained in me that I felt like I had to do it just because it would stop my family from asking so many questions. But 1, I learned that they do not need to know about my personal life like that. 2, it’s my freaking life and I will do with it as I please. 3, being single feels so fucking good to me. I just didn’t know it was a possibility to have companionship and be single. But it just feels right and it feels good to me. And this is where I get frustrated with myself because I wish I could have the words to describe whatever it is that I desire so I can be open and honest with future partners. But it’s something so magical and new right now that I just don’t have the words. All I can say is that growing up, I truly believed that someone had to be your committed partner for the long haul in order to have sex. I remember telling my ex, Aries, that I wasn’t going to have sex with him unless we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Ugh gagging at that lol. That’s when I fucked myself over because I didn’t want to be tied down to someone. And ugh I know that sounds bad and it’s not that I don’t want marriage or a family, but it’s just that right now, it feels liberating to be single. It feels good not being guilty about who I flirt with. It feels so incredibly good to come back to my home and just lay in bed with my dog rather than having to come home to a partner.

And this is me being like sooo honest because my ancestors have been pushing me to speak this truth so here tf I go. I always fear repercussions of me speaking my truth and being myself but honestly, if I survived all that I’ve already gone through, I can without a doubt continue to overcome obstacles. I just truly feel most myself when I’m single with uhmmmmm, multiple partners. It’s not even about having a line up of dudes. But it’s just that they all had their own purpose in my life. I just have yet to be single with multiple partners who know about each other. And it’s not like these past dudes thought I was only being intimate with them, but it’s just something that both parties kept quiet about. There’s a difference between ignoring the truth while also being an unspoken rule vs having it all out on the table to be openly talked about. It’s this whole conflict going on inside me. Because it’s just that I know what I want right now, but have yet had the correct opportunities to practice it. Which is partly my fault because I’m also playing a part of being silent, but I have to be compassionate to that Alexis because it’s not like she’s had any examples of what she wants. I have to be my own example and actually practice it when the opportunities present themselves. See and then my brain is also like “what if I miss out on the right partner because of my choices?” But ugh like Alexis, just shut up and follow what feels good, geezus h f’ing christ.

This is all just so new to me. But also not new because it’s something I’ve been inclined towards for as long as I can remember, I just never knew it would be possible. I was talking to the BFF, Maya, today just about how if I could write a song about the feelings I’m feeling, it would be about feeling so free being single. But also in love with so many souls. Just because I have many connections doesn’t mean that I have less of a connection with any of them because I offer myself equally to everyone. And that I love being able to spread my love around because my energy is just too beautiful for it to not being touching the hearts of many. Maybe I’ll miss out on the “one” but I don’t think so. I do believe in true love and I do believe in the meaning of marriage and I love the titles that follow that. But I guess it’s just me being honest about where I am in life. Maybe my marriage won’t even be the traditional way and it’ll be something completely unique to myself, who knows. Maybe I’ll practice it and not want it for the long haul. There’s just too many maybes and not enough of me just doing what feels good. So this is me following my heart.

I’m not sure where it’s taking me but it’s taking me somewhere. Ugh see and then I just think about all the f’ing people who talk about how young I am and that I don’t know what I want and blah blah blah blah. I love being young and I’m grateful for my life, but this chronological age ties me into a bubble that I don’t feel comfortable it. So let me do me without my age being a freaking topic. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. So yeah maybe I only feel this way because I’m young and maybe I’ll change my mind in a year or many years or never, but it doesn’t matter because it’s up to me, not anyone else!!! Let me make my own choices so that I can learn how to be myself, so that I may move within my own layers.

It’s just the simple fact that when I had thought I wanted monogamy and commitment, when I received it, I was ready to run. And not run because I can’t commitment. When I commit, I commit 100%. I was ready to run because it felt like I was losing a piece of myself. But how do I explain that and be honest about that without making the other person feel bad? It’s not that they aren’t enough and that I don’t love them. They’re more than enough but I also just really like being able to flirt without the guilt of not being in a situation that allows me to do so.

I’ve been freaking dealing with this dilemma since I was a teenager. I vaguely remember having a similar conversation to this with a past partner but I’m not sure how that played out. But my point is that I’ve had this feeling inside me for so long but I never nurtured it. So me being honest with myself right now is my first step towards nurturing this intriguing layer. It’s just scary because yes it feels good, but it’s also so new to me as well, at least in this lifetime. Plus you would never hear of such a thing in my Mexican -American household. Anything but monogamy is unheard of in this lineage, as far as I know.

There’s just a lot going on. But I’m okay, and very excited for the change as I continue to be myself to the fullest. There’s still more I want to add to this but I had to get this contained spill of words out first so I could sleep in peace.

Sweet dreams,

Lexx 💖