Hi blog. I woke up at 4:44am because of some wild ass nightmares. Most of my nightmares consist of people dying or tsunamis or cities being attacked by war ships, they get pretty wild. I can’t fall back asleep now so here I am, typing on my iPad (harder but easier bc of my acrylics lol) laying down in a probably not ideal position for my neck but very ideal for some kisses from my dog since she decided to take over the pillows. Crazy to say but I just want I was going to say I want a partner just like my dog, someone who gets excited to see me, is there for me during my asthma attacks, and isn’t bothered by my sometimes wacky sleeping schedule but I had to correct myself. I don’t need a partner like my dog because I already have a dog you know. So I would appreciate just having a partner who is completely and comfortably themselves.

Side note: it’s crazy that for 15 years of my life, I would have to wake up at 5-5:30am every week day just to commute to go to school in SF. I can’t even imagine ever doing that again. I’m pretty sure my genetics, trauma, stress, and lack of appropriate amounts of sleep contributed to my bipolar disorder. Also my asthma is acting up right now which for some reason has been happening more often, my poor lungs. But really I’m pretty sure it’s because I’ve been in some very cold environments.

I’ve just been thinking a lot. And I have to get these thoughts out of my head if not they’ll eat me alive (hence the nightmares happening). Actually ew not me crying. I just realized I’ve been having more nightmares recently and what has changed in my life recently? Being on medication. The high frequency of nightmares occurred the last time I was taking prescriptions too. The one thing that is common that I’m taking is the Wellbutrin XL (anti-depressant). And I’m honestly not here for these nightmares!! Not a thing I want to deal with because they just cause unnecessary stress and I already freak out about a lot of things. I freak out about the nightmares because they feel so real and they just linger throughout the day in my mind that I start to believe that they happened or will happen.

Things I forget about: having asthma is a real thing that I’ve been getting treated for since I was a kid so it doesn’t just “go away.” Being lactose intolerant doesn’t go away either so I should be more diligent about that. Even when I am “mentally stable” I’m still low key not stable at all — and that is okay. It’s just hard to not want to believe in a quick fix.

This whole identity thing of not knowing who I am under the crazy is really getting to me right now. And honestly I just think it has to do with me having spent most of my life with people in my ear telling me that I was being dramatic about having a mental disorder just because I was so young. Now that I have a care team of doctors and a therapist, it’s hard pointing out my symptoms because they were minimized for SO long. So when I point things out, it’s hard to distinguish between the disorder and my true self. And god I am sooo tired of hearing from people who don’t have a mental disorder say, “don’t identify with your disorder.” When in actuality, I can’t ignore that there’s something going on in my brain that is a part of me. It’s not going away ever, it’s been there my whole life just lingering in my DNA waiting to make its presence known. And damn has its presence been known. It’s been known for a long time but it was just ignored by the adults in my life. But whatever, I’m here now and I’ve gotten pretty good at advocating for myself due to all the dismissiveness I’ve endured.

I guess it just bothers me that what I have going on isn’t a quick fix as it requires a life long dedication of being aware and constantly being on top of myself. I haven’t found the right medications yet and ewwww I’m crying. Pretty sure I’m crying because I know I still have such a long way to go and I can’t just skip to the end. I just want to be better you know. I don’t want people to worry about me but I also want my disorder to be taken seriously.

Something I wanted to discuss was insight in terms of psychology. “Insight refers to a patient’s awareness of their symptoms, discernment of their treatment, and outside effects of their actions.“ — Me, in my most recent article review. I would say I have a high level of insight right. But what I seem to fight the outside world about is that my level of insight doesn’t diminish the severity of my symptoms.

Here’s an excerpt from the article review I just mentioned, on Attachment Style and Insight in Schizophrenia: a Cross-Sectional Study

“The third set of findings revealed that under the multiple regression models, the only attachment style that was able to predict insight was the anxiety subset. On one hand, it was shown that higher levels of anxiety surrounding interpersonal relationships may push one towards getting help from outside resources (França et al., 2020). Though another explanation may be that higher levels of insight may lead to more anxiety regarding interpersonal relationships. This finding is consistent with similar studies that reveal that higher levels of insight correlate with levels of anxiety (Stefanopoulou et al., 2009, as cited by França et al., 2020) and a greater risk of suicide for those that have schizophrenia (Kao, Liu, 2001, as cited by França et al., 2020).”

Now I know this article is talking about schizophrenia but I feel like the same revelations about insight can be applied to bipolar disorder as well.

Okay I’m going to rest now, my head is starting to hurt from all the crying and coughing lmaooooooo. I’m a contained mess.

Smell ya later,

Alexis Mariah