Blog Posts

Joy From Life Lessons

*Cue “mr useless” by Shygirl*

[From the featured image, a combination of magazine cut-outs and crayon: “Any excitement about a journey or get-together mustn’t be depleted by negative comments made by those on the sidelines. You’ve waited to fulfill plans that have had to be revised several times, so you mustn’t be discouraged at this stage by the unhelpful behavior of people who would give anything to be in your shoes. / Rather than avoid mentioning the elephant in the room, insist you and someone close confront a sensitive issue. You may feel pessimistic about the likely consequences, but staying silent makes matters worse. Broaching the subject will seem awkward, but if you talk openly and honestly, you’ll be pleased and relieved by the outcome. / I really wanted to know who I was without all the constructs. To not have to carry the weight of the history of my gender or race. One of the phrases I just cannot say is “my truth”. The truth is the truth. Language is so important.” Life lessons]

Write for yourself and from yourself, and you’ll find you dreams come true.

Rachel Ballon

Please keep working on your writing. You have many important things to express. Express them well, and one day you may rule the world!

Mrs. Lael Bajet, my 10th grade English teacher

Hiiiiiiii world! It’s me, Alexis. *cue echo* Just trying to see if I can hear myself 😂

I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking about writing rather than actually doing the writing. Well, that isn’t completely true. I do write in my journals and in my notes app on my phone. I also text my loved ones everyday. So I haven’t been completely deviating from being a writer! I’ve also been dabbling into other arts like water coloring, tye dying shirts, and lanyard making. Practicing photography on the daily. Been trying to maintain a social life while also very much enjoying times of solitude. Here are some words that get me in the writing mindset: start where I am now. To talk about where I am now includes looking back at where I’ve been/come from.

Omg, the last few blog posts shared the recurring theme of my dating life. The passion was fueled by tying up loose ends and starting completely anew! It feels nice protecting my peace of mind. So to put it simply, I want a partner who confidently wants to do the life work with me.

For this blog post, I’d like to focus on other things that have been on my mind. It’s been amazing continually getting to know the new versions of myself. I figure if I can make it through my best friend Maya passing away, the extended family bullshit & manipulation, and my Great Grandma Negra passing away then I must be strong enough to persevere. Counting my blessings and expressing gratitude for each one. As for writing, sometimes I feel stuck. And maybe those stuck feelings stem from me focusing on my worries. Mentally, man I was doing pretty good for a consistent amount of time.

Up until this past week. There had been a delay with my pharmacy filling my lithium prescription. So I hadn’t had it from 4/5-4/12. I noticed feelings of anxiety and overwhelm creep up. It is now 4/15. Is it crazy to say my brain feels so much better having my medicine again? I’ve been on lithium for a couple of years so I’m really not sure how big of an effect not taking it for a week could have. Anywho, being back on the medication feels great-ish. My brain feels like it’s getting a hug again. But I’m also really tired and the judgmental voices in my head have been super loud. It’s hard being joyful and positive when my brain is hardwired to implode.

I just remind myself that there is no quick fix for anything. Younger me used to think suicide was an actual option. Now I know better. But sometimes my brain does go to that dark place. Which makes me sad. I grieve the Alexis I could’ve been without the traumas. I guess it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I know it gets better with time. And as I’ve been more stable, my brain doesn’t get to that dark place too often. So that’s a win!

Word of the day: Axiomatic (adj): established as obviously true; self-evident

Welp. Finding joy amidst life worries has been a bit tricky. What is my balancing act? Talking to my loved ones and moving my body. Just last month (March), I went to the movies by MYSELF for the first time ever!!! I watched Kung Fu Panda 4 while eating caramel popcorn. Afterwards, I went to a local burger place. Got a bacon cheeseburger and fries hehe. Then I went to a park, sat in my car, and ate my food while watching Schitt’s Creek. Then I read a book which was followed up by a nap. This experience was a result of me REMOVING myself from an environment (re: Home stress, mom/brother dynamics) that was not ideal. I so badly wanted to be a tornado of anger. I wanted to be mean and ruthless. BUT I knew that wouldn’t resolve anything and me raising my voice in a mean way would just have people labeling me as the problem.

All in all, life has been doing its thang. And so have I 🙂 Hopefully by the next blog post, my worries won’t feel as big and scary. And maybe I’ll even get around to talking about what I do for work (paraprofessional). I know I’m on the right track of following my purpose in life because my work days leave me feeling fulfilled. 😎

XoXo,

Alexis Mariah <3