Blog Posts

A Brown Girl Going Places

Hey Siri play Brick House by Commodores :’)

GEEZ NOT ME CRYING one second into writing this. Y’all, I am just so proud of myself. I did it. I freaking healed myself and it feels SO great. I f*cking healed my childhood trauma at 22!!! Not many people can say that but I can! Now, of course, there will always be things to heal from but I managed to overcome the big lump sum of trauma. I overcame the trauma that kept me in such a low vibration for most of my life. I did the hardest thing anyone ever has to do and I looked at myself in the mirror and learned how to love myself, even the parts that I may not have initially been a fan of. I simply just well, came home to myself.

My freaking cat died during a global pandemic and I somehow managed to still not kill myself. And that was all the proof I needed to show that I certainly can overcome anything because I am that freaking strong! I am a freaking warrior, just without the swords and with journals instead. I learned how to put myself first which was honestly one of the hardest things for me to do because I initially had felt so selfish for choosing me. But I have come to learn that you cannot help anyone without helping yourself out first. If you aren’t healed yourself, how do you expect to help others heal themselves? You need to have the energy to accomplish your dreams so it is completely okay to be selfish with your time and it does not make you a bad person, at all.

Trust me! Coming from someone who used to always feel like everything she did was wrong or that she was never enough, I thought the “right” thing for me to do was give all of myself away in hopes of making people happy. But if I put all those people before myself, who is going to choose me? You’re the only person who is going to choose you first so do yourself an honor and just choose you. You are complete just as you are. It’s really just learning how to balance your time and how to recognize your own signs of burn out.

Honestly, I’m low key nervous about getting back into the groove of things! I’ve been so used to my journal that writing on my blog feels a tad foreign to me now. But it also feels oh so right. I suppose it just feels like its me really taking the steps towards the next chapter of my life. As of recently, I have finally learned to just simply give in to what makes me happy. Life is much more enjoyable if my environment looks just how I want it. So I did just that despite my fears. I’ve really taken my life back into my own hands (and the hands of the universe) and found my inner strength to overcome my fears. I may not know how exactly everything is going to be playing out but that’s okay and that’s the point.

We aren’t supposed to know every single little detail about the future. There is no creativity in 100% certainty. So here I am, simply taking a bet on myself and seeing where I can take myself. And honestly, it feels sooo damn good to wake up every day, grateful to be alive and living my dream life. I am literally making magic happen in my life, how wonderful is that. And I am doing that simply by following my heart which is all that any of us have to do because our hearts would never leave us astray. We only f*ck up and create some obstacles when we allow ourselves to be lead by logic rather than our hearts and intuition.

All I know is, it feels so damn good to know my worth. When I freaking tell you that I betrayed myself in the most hurtful ways, ugh, I did that. But I forgave myself because I am only human and this is just a whole ass hallucination that we are having because reality is just an illusion. And I am that much closer to mastering this illusion! Now imagine how many more of us would wake up to this illusion if they were able to heal their childhood trauma?! It would be so great.

Happy Winter Solstice! Look at the freaking smile! Pure bliss. Miss Researcher :’)

Yooo, I have also been single for a good while and let me tell you!!!! It makes my heart smile just typing it out. It makes me happy for so many reasons. It’s a crazy magical thing to be single and dating yourself. I have learned so much about myself and just freaking completely fell head over heels in love with myself. It’s very refreshing. I learned how to trust and believe in myself. I learned about things I like and don’t like. I explored myself in more ways than one and wow, I traveled to different dimensions! I gave myself the most incredible orgasms! This is also something we really need to talk about more. The mental strength and focus it takes to have an out of body orgasm. That is a topic for a whole other day. Anyways, I am grateful for my time to be single because I know that it won’t be like this forever so I am enjoying this experience while I can.

I am still celibate as ever and honestly I don’t see that changing until I meet the one because I really don’t see myself having any other experiences other than with my divine partner. I am more than okay with being patient and letting divine timing do its thing because I knooooooww he is worth the wait! Plus, I’m enjoying this single chapter of my life. Like you know, you aren’t single forever so it’s best to just really be in the present moment and be oh so thankful for the time to be single. Plus, I’ve taken this time to connect to my inner goddess and let me freaking tell you, it has been so mind-blowing. Like damn I really am a badass and I am so god damn fine. I freaking caught myself instinctively whistling at myself in the mirror the other day! The whistle just came out and I was like woah, maybe I really do love myself?

OMG also! This is really just me finally being absolutely ready to be really raw and honest because well, life is too short to not be yourself 100%. I used to really second guess sharing some things about myself in fear of people’s judgments. But ugh honestly, I do not care about their judgments because they aren’t living MY life. They aren’t paying my bills or supporting me and my dreams. Plus one’s opinion about someone else is simply a reflection of themselves. It’s unfortunate that some people are unable to recognize their own insecurities being shown in the way they speak to others.

So with all that being said, I finally figured out my life purpose. I’ve always known but this time I was able to connect all the puzzle pieces together and make sense of it all. I am combining my three loves into one big magical healing movement. Epigenetics, the study of heritable changes in DNA. Neuropsychopharmacology, a science that studies the effects of drugs on the mind. Spirituality, the stuff that I have learned to have faith in. Epigenetics + neuropsychopharmacology + spirituality = healing one’s generational trauma. It’s literally what I do on myself but I simply just want to bring it to the world because we all deserve to heal and empower ourselves. I was meditating today with the intention of connecting to the source to talk about my life path. And the source really said “Alexis! You already know! It’s the three things that you are incredibly passionate about.” These are the topics that fulfill me & make my heart incredibly happy to just completely dive in to. After that meditation, all I could do was cry happy tears and repeat “I am so smart.” Like okay, I know I’ve always been “smart” but it’s a whole different feeling when you actually believe in it fully yourself.

I have this funny theory that I was born at 4:20pm because my mom listened to Sublime when I was in her stomach. I’m also just thinking it was a sign from the universe letting me know about my purpose. I’m simply just teaching people how to use Mother Gaia aka Earth to heal themselves. Essentially, we are simply healing ourselves by consuming ourselves because we share DNA with everything. It’s really a whole full circle moment and I am just so excited to share my passions with the world because this is what I freaking believe in. I truly believe in the magical healing powers of the Earth and all that grows from it.

It’s actually funny because I’ve been self-experimenting for over a year now, taking notes and everything. I’m trying to bring together a whole therapy part to it as well. I haven’t figured out how exactly to do that but that’s the fun part because I get to have fun with my making my dream a reality. My whole vision is me as a whole ass doctor with patients who come to see me when they are ready to embark on the journey that Gaia has to offer. And there are so many ways to take that journey and that is why I am reading Magic Medicine: A trip through the intoxicating history and modern-day use of psychedelic plants and substances. It’s important for me to do this because it is just so damn silly for the government to really try and make parts of the Earth illegal. It just doesn’t make sense. I also have a connection to these medicines from my ancestors. It’s time for POC to teach the world about their own culture rather than the mainstream Anglo-Saxon names that we are so used to seeing all the time. Wouldn’t it make so much more sense to learn about a group of people’s culture from the people who’s culture it actually belongs to? Duhhhh!

I did a meditation where I was able to connect to Mother Gaia and she said, “Y’all don’t have to suffer. I am not evil. Why are y’all judging me? My medicines are natural and grow straight from me! Why do you want to make me illegal? Like HELLO. There is a reason your ancestors have been consuming my medicine and using it for rituals/healing purposes! It’s because I am good for you. I’m not forcing you to consume me, DUH. You have the choice and power. Always remember that. Peace, love you.” Now in my head, Gaia sounds like a girl from SF with a Texas accent. Basically a mirror to my voice but with more of a heavy Texas accent (I don’t have the accent down, I just say y’all a lot.).

I am basically using myself as an example of what consuming Gaia with intention can do for your mental health. And what it can do for you is pure magic. I’ve never felt freer and more sure of myself till now. That should tell you something. I’m really just having fun with this whole human vessel and just seeing what I can accomplish. Like yoooooo, I used to be on 6-7 different prescriptions for my bipolar disorder and depression. Even with all those pills I still felt so empty. But then I found myself in the Earth, in freaking our mother Gaia! Nature saved me from killing myself, how beautiful is that. So it’s my mission to help other people who felt like I felt because we all truly deserve to be living our dream life. It shouldn’t just be for the rich, it should be for everybody.

And I am living proof of that. I grew up on government food and now I can afford all my wants and needs. I am able to give to others just the way I have always dreamed of! I am able to support my passions and projects and that is the most precious thing of all. Dude, it just makes me so happy to help people heal because then we can focus on healing the planet and saving the freaking animals, and boom, world freaking peace and we all ride away into the sunset on clouds.

Omg let us not forget that I also bought my dream car this year. Like you’re telling me that consuming Gaia’s medicine is bad for you if you get to heal your trauma ANDDDDDD be a co-creator of your life with the universe?! That’s so crazy.

OMG I also freaking forgot that well, like I don’t need a title to be a photographer because I already am one. And I am pretty fucking great at it. And not only that but I dabble into different kinds of photography because well, I’m Alexis! Like ugh, how lucky am I. Here are some photos of SF and bubbles, a project a dear Gemini friend of mine is working on.

Shot with a Nikon N6006. Film developed and scanned by yours truly

Honestly, this is just me embracing my multi-talents because I am too creative to simply be tied down into one thing. I get to spend every day with my freaking dog. My everyday goal/mantra is simply just to live every day as if it’s my last. I have experienced way too many deaths in my 22 years of life to not be thankful for the full circle of life lesson that the universe has been sharing with me.

It’s also important to note how incredibly important it was for me to admit to myself that I certainly do in fact, have a whole a** mental illness that has to be cared for. I can’t forget about it because it’s there. I had to learn how to nurture the monster in me because she isn’t a monster at all, she’s just part of my dark side.

My daughter and I. She really fulfills my whole heart :’)

You know, I just freaking learned that life is not easy but that does not mean it has to be complicated. Life is actually very simple as long as we stay free of judgment and look with our hearts rather than our minds. We always have a choice in life. Now it doesn’t have to be a good or bad choice since good/bad don’t exist, there just is, but you can call the things that don’t align with you “contrasts.” So there’s always going to be contrasts or bumps in one’s life because that’s just the human experience. BUT because of that, the universe is like okay you all deserve to be part of creating your life so here is the freedom of choice. We have this freedom so why not use it. We can choose to live the life that society wants us to live but that wouldn’t truly fulfill us would it? But it would stop all the nagging that one’s family might have. Or we can choose the life that we want to live, the life that makes our hearts happy where you then have people’s judgments in your ears because you are doing things your way not their way. But honestly just f*ck every single person’s opinion and do what makes you happy. I cannot stress that enough. When I hear people complain about their lives I just want to grab them by their shoulders and just yell, “you don’t have to be miserable. you can be living your dream life right freaking now. you just have to jump and the universe will catch you.” I know it isn’t that easy but one could imagine right. If life is gonna have some bumps on the road, let it be on your chosen road, not some road somebody else chose for you.

I wish you all freedom from suffering and may the universe bless you and your loved ones. I hope you are excited to see how the rest of my human existence plays out because I promise you, it is something to be amazed by.

“I’ve come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call “The Physics of The Quest” — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: “If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself… then truth will not be withheld from you.” Or so I’ve come to believe.”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

Now here are just some more memories from the last couple of months 🙂