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A Fragment of Gucci: My Journey With Grief

It’s apparent to me that not many people know that “Gucci” is a nickname of mine since high school. It’s not a name I have ever introduced myself as to people outside of high school because I always feel the need to explain the nickname. I’m tired of feeling like I always have to explain myself, especially over a damn name. Obviously, it’s a brand name but it being my nickname has nothing to do with the brand and everything to do with it being a damn name that has stuck with me since high school. I’m trying to get over my shyness about such a nickname so this is a brave move for myself. I love this nickname because it’s what my best friend, Maya, always called me and introduced me as. Bleh, it’s really hard to talk about my BFF in the current tense as I can never find the correct wording to explain simply and to the point that my BFF is in the afterlife and that her transition to the afterlife occurred in January 2022.

I’m at a point with my grief where I feel that I am left with two choices: I can either yeet myself off this planet (I say this lightly as I always have a very deep & legitimate fear of being put on a 51/50 hold when I open up about my suicidal ideations) OR I can sit with my grief (wholeheartedly and free of outside influence) and freely (aka without judgment) allow myself to express my feelings. So here I am, doing the latter (LOL, my 23-year-old self still has to google “former vs latter” because proper English is confusing).

My best friend, Maya, once said (to one of our love bugs, Sol) that she was able to really understand me when I shared with her the writings in my journals. I reflect on that honestly pretty much every day. I reflect because it sparked some wonder in me! I wonder what exactly about my writings helped my own best friend (who was already considered to know all there is to know about me) understand me on a deeper level. And honestly, I think it’s because, in my journals, I am very much unmasked and completely myself. My writings are the place where I get to be myself, free from the judgments of society. I get to break the rules of proper grammar and punctuation (a small but gigantic win for a type-A person like myself)!!! It’s different when I write on my blog because 1) I know that the people who will be reading my words is out of my control and 2) because I can’t control who will see my words, my type-A personality kicks in so I hyper-fixate on the perfection of grammar and punctuation (when I do notice an error after publishing a post that my Grammarly extension missed, I am hit with an immense amount of shame). So here I am, finally getting the courage to write on my blog again. At first, I hadn’t been writing on my blog because I had started lithium last year and I felt as if I lost my connection to creativity. To my surprise, I didn’t lose my connection, nay I actually lost the extremes that allowed me to feel a heightened sense of creativity. I basically had to relearn how to connect to my creativity, in a healthy and stabilized way.

Anywho, now that I have explained all that is going on in my brain, I can now get into what I wanted to talk about. I wrote this on June 2, 2022. I’ve been sick at home for almost a week now and the isolation has done me some necessary good as I have been able to sit and reflect with my semi-healthy brain. As I have been on lithium for a year now, I have gotten used to my medicated brain and am learning how to properly communicate all that is going on inside this little noggin of mine. Alexis a year ago was definitely depressed, but that was my everyday feeling. I didn’t hate life, but I also really struggled to live this human life. I still do struggle but lithium for my Bipolar Disorder, Adderall XR for my ADHD combined type, and Quetiapine for my insomnia are my holy f*cking trinity to living this life (at least for now because well I’m a living being whose body and brain are ever-changing) and I can say that with my whole chest! I can do so because well, I’m in a much better place mentally than I ever have been. And I mean that in the most healthy and balanced way!

Grief has taught me to enjoy the patience it takes to evolve.

9:38p I’ve found that it is easier for me to show up for people who are grieving or have a mental/brain disability. I am think am going to write on my blog, not for myself but for others who are also grieving.

Now playing: The Only Exception by Paramore

Grief has become a very close friend of mine. If my reality is that my BFF has passed away, then it only seems logical to me to completely dive into death and grief. If only as a way to connect to my BFF, even in the afterlife.

Currently reading: Dialogue with Death by Eknath Easwaran. Suicide and the Soul by James Hillman.

Books. Music. Podcasts. Youtube videos. Discussions with people I encounter during my everyday life. I’ve been learning not only about death and the afterlife but also how to care for the beings still on this planet. The passing of my sweet best friend has also somehow (makes sense for who my BFF is [on a soul level]) reflected all the beauty and symmetry that this human life on Earth has to offer.

Life hasn’t always been easy for me (obvio I’m a human). The mental struggles I have faced had also made death a very intimate friend of mine as suicide always seemed like the correct step to take when I have had just about enough from this wild lifetime. Quite honestly, my current self is SO proud of my past self for not having ended her life after receiving the news of my best friend. I’m strong but it’s because I had no choice. No one else was going to do what I did (mind you I had my love bugs [aka my besties: Minerva, Johnny, Sol, and Byron] by my side so I wasn’t alone). I have a buttload of disabilities but those have helped me have the courage to get up every day. Without the gentleness and care that my disabilities have taught me, I wouldn’t have been able to speak at my BFF’s candle vigil (public speaking terrifies me because I fear judgment + speaking at such an event isn’t easy point-blank) or be the unofficial official photographer for services. I am only this vulnerable because of the true genuine love that my BFF always poured into the world around her.

I have stubbornly learned that writing is a really healthy coping mechanism that makes me feel good and has me staying on this Earth to continue my soul’s journey.

Here are some text messages from my BFF and me. I made it a point to write them out in my journal so that I can easily look back on them, especially during tricky life moments.

04/13/21 @ 9:42p, Maya to me: “Before the night ends, I just wanna tell you [that] you are a beautiful human being which I know you know this but you have the confidence, beauty, intelligence, power, and drive to get you through anything. our minds are our biggest obstacles and once we master them there’s no telling where we’ll go. I love you goodnight <3”

04/30/21 @ 9:54a, Maya and I’s conversation:

Me: “Thank you for being alive another day. I appreciate your bravery tremendously. Whenever I question if I can get [through] something, I remind myself that I am strong just like my sister Maya. I love you pal *sauropod emoji* *fairy emoji*”

Maya: “I love you so much and am glad I’m constantly in your thoughts. I think about you as well lol. I was cooking the other day and talking to my dad and I was thinking I feel like there’s only one person who understands my brain and emotions and that’s you. I’ve been feeling a little down but I know I’m gonna come back bigger and better soon. I’m happy more blessings are coming your way and wish the best for you every day.”

05/17/21 @ 10:16a, Convo between Maya and I:

Maya: “Good morning I love you and you’ve been in my thoughts lately *cherry blossom emoji* a positive spirit who is caring and always present for her loved ones *yellow heart emoji* … You being you just reminds me of the things I need to do for myself and my mental health and I’m grateful to have an all-knowing queen like you as one of my closest friends.”

Me: Hi my dear! I love you too. You are in my thoughts and heart. Thank you for such a sweet message, you made my day! I am so lucky to call you a sister. I am so proud of all that you are doing, especially for just getting up every day and breathing. Thank you for being alive. You are treasured. <3″

06/18/21 @ 5:56p, My 23rd Birthday message :’) :

Maya: “Happy freaking birthday to my soul sister *sunflower emoji* I’m so glad to have met you however we met cuz we both can’t remember. *tears of joy emoji* You make me feel sane and always have my back which is honestly all I need from a friend. One of the realest chingonas I know and I hope you enjoy your bday [redacted] … & know that you are loved *yellow heart emoji* *face blowing a kiss emoji* Also can’t believe we’re 23 this year I feel like we just graduated hs.

Songs I had sent my BFF to listen to:

Buy Your Own Flowers by Maria Isabel

Love Song by Maria Isabel

Another Lover by Little Dragon

AIN’T GON STOP ME by Reggie

Te Alejas Mas De Mi by Esteman

June 4, 2022

10:20p My blue period. Azul. Blue’s Clues, lol.

How do I best express myself during my blue period? Because honestly, I’m completely tired of giving my all. I’m tired of putting so much energy into life. I would like the grace to simply not only grieve but to adjust to my new sense of self. I think I just want to sit with my grief so that I can explore the feelings and the different mediums that help me communicate those feelings.

Wow! The Starry Night! Created on or around June 18, 1889.

Here are pictures of me on the day of my best friend’s viewing.

June 6

8:10p Bathtub thoughts to end this post on because 1) my heart is tired 2) I need to tame the perfectionist in me by lessening my overthinking and increasing my momentum toward action

• Grief is hard. I know to the outside world it may seem like I am idk functioning well (and I am for the most part) but all I would really like to do is breakdown and never get out of bed. What has gotten me out of bed these past couple of months has honestly been the kiddos I work with. Their joy (even during moments of screaming or self injurious behaviors) and pure kindness is something I wish more of the grown up world held onto. I can be having a difficult day and what gets me through it s just breathing and knowing that at the core of the kiddos trickiest moments, they are just looking to have someone pay attention to them. And yooo, once I started to see my own reflection in their crying fits (little Alexis was and still is very much a big cry baby), I was better able to have patience while I gave myself to think rather than react without thought. I often think to myself: what did little Alexis need most during her tricky moments? I’ve found that what I once needed as a child is still what I need as a grown up: gentleness.
• It’s become evident to me that I shutdown easily when I am spoken to in a brash, head-on, and lowkey thoughtless tone of voice. My brain turns off and I become a helpless child again. My avoidant personality disorder (I know there are some people who have things against this term but it helps me recognize things about myself so that’s why I use it) comes full force ahead and takes over my balanced thinking and decision making. I even find myself withdrawing from my besties because I’m unable to find the courage to say that even though I KNOW within my heart and soul that I can openly communicate with them my feelings free of judgment, my brain is on full volume telling me otherwise. I begin to have thoughts of being an inconvenience because I know they are human like me and have many things going on. I start to focus on how me opening the dialogue will feel uncomfortable as I begin to assume that there is a change in how they view me. Lol I even start to cry, like right now, when I realize I’m a 23 year old human who can’t even tell her besties some regular degular feelings!!! I know I’ve done much harder things but fuck, my brain just isn’t gentle with me. And that is why I so desire and seek out humans that are gentle.
• As I continue to cry about how I’m a little shrimp unable to express what is taking up mental space, I just ache to have my best friend, Maya, in my arms again. I know I’m lucky to be alive, I’m lucky to be surrounded by love, but jesus freaking h christ, I just miss my best friend so much. And it hurts me to know that I have about 77 years (given that I live to 100 considering that my great grandma is currently 93 and still laughing at life) to live without Maya by my side in this dimension. It really fucking sucks. I only had my sister Maya in my life for 9 years. It would only seem natural that I grow old with her too but alas, it also just as natural in being a biological creature that my best friend transition to the after life before me, at the very young age of 23 (mind you her birthday is in November and she passed the following January, two months later. Crazy).
• Pablo Picasso had a blue period in which he used primarily varying shades of blue. During this time, Picasso was experiencing depression which he expressed in his work. There’s also this anime (originally a manga) called “Blue Period” that is on Netflix and I highly recommend watching it. The main character gets inspired to paint and it’s a very inspiring story for anyone looking to practice creating more art in their lives. Anywho, I got inspired by both blue periods and decided to express myself in similar ways. Below is my first painting/collage piece of my blue period! Plus, blue is Maya’s favorite color 🙂

Thank you to each and every one of you who has taken the time to read this blog post. I love that I have my blog to be able to express myself! And I also really love and appreciate it when my words can help people feel heard and seen. I may not have gotten all my words out there but I’m learning to take my sweet ass time!

Thank you to my BFF, Maya, for being by my side even though she’s in a different dimension. I’m not sure what her soul is experiencing but I do know that she is guided by her ancestors and the love of the people on Earth. Thank you to Momma Renee, Maya’s momma, for her wisdom and joy.

Thank you to my momma for caring for me when I don’t have the energy to care for myself (like making food to eat).

Thank you to all those who have sent me supportive words as those words gave me the inspiration to continue my writing and other creative endeavors.