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A Letter To My Father

Sheesh, I wrote this letter 2 years ago on Jan. 27, 2020. So much has changed, about myself, about the relationships I have, and all the love I have poured into the world. Let me set the scene for y’all. I was getting ready to go to class but I had some type of trigger. I remember being so depressed and unable to stop crying. I felt like I was about to explode. And I did, just on paper. I’m not sure how long I waited to send this to my dad but I know I didn’t waste much time. I had my mom and friends read it. I delivered it to my dad via two ways: email and dropping the letter off at his home. I remember being too nervous to deliver it myself and also just thinking too much about him seeing me on his Ring app lol. So I reached out to my friend Alfredo because I knew they had classes the day I did. And thank the universe that Alfredo was so readily down to assist me on my journey towards healing 🙂 I am eternally grateful to my chosen family for always being so supportive of my healing and all that is best for me!

It’s kind of weird sharing this lmaooo. It’s easy but also I’ve had some difficulty getting to this step. I wonder why… It’s also important to mention that this letter was written before I made my blog so I originally had no intention of ever sharing this outside my immediate support system. Yet here I am, sharing it with the world like the brave girl I am. My hope is that people learn to value themselves and speak their damn mind because life is too short to be miserable. Omg, I also wasn’t even properly diagnosed or properly medicate in this time of my life! Wow.

Oh yeah and also, the way my father responded to this, what a damn cornball dude. I was only 21 just seeking to heal the relationship with my father and he responded with ignoring me. And then when we did talk about it, he didn’t even try to understand where I was coming from. Irritating to be quite honest. So damn foolish for a grown-ass man.

Here we go!

I guess this is where I let everything out on the table so that I can heal the parts of me that I’ve been neglecting. This letter is not made for you to apologize, feel remorse, or sorrow. This letter is me just asking you to acknowledge everything that I’ve been put through. I wish you knew how much strength this letter has taken to write. I’ve been trying to do it for years, thinking about it every day, but never being able to put pen to paper, until now. I guess I’ve reached this point after so long because this is what I really need to do in order to heal my inner child. I’m not sure how to write this, but all I ask is for you to read this and just understand where I am coming from.

I guess for starters, I am extremely depressed. I want to kill myself every day. And for a long time, a piece of me stopped me because I just hoped that maybe one day you would want me. But as of recently, I’ve learned that no matter all the great things I accomplish, you will still be the same person who neglects me. I just don’t think it is too much to ask of a father to just care for his daughter. To acknowledge the pain he put me through. And that’s all I want at the end of the day. How can so many people see the pain inside me, but you can’t?

Do you willingly choose not to or is it out of ignorance? I would really like to know. I really do wish you could understand what I feel. Imagine, a daughter just wanting to be loved and cared for by her father but him choosing to not be there. I know you have your objections to that statement, but that is how I feel. I understand you have your own traumas and you ‘think’ that you’ve done enough as a father in trying to connect with me. But when will you understand that the job of a father is never done? For fucks sake, my brother is 7 years older than I am, yet you are by his side every day. No matter the stress he has put you through, you’re still there for him. You and my mom both are. So why can’t the same be done for me? I just really wish you and my mom (+ my brother + family) could just see all the things I’ve had to overcome in life. maybe then you would want me in your life?

I’m just really exhausted. I’ve been fighting myself my entire life. Maybe if you knew how badly I want to kill myself on a daily basis, then you would understand how much strength it has taken me to get where I am today, 21 & alive. Idk. I just have so many things to write, but my hand can’t keep up with my brain. I guess I want to start at the beginning of my thought processes.

I just don’t understand how you and I have both been through so many similar things, yet you still choose to not understand me. I just wish you fought for me, because I have fought for you. Every day, more and more each day, I really realize that I was just a child when you and my mom began fighting. But no one treated me like a child. This isn’t me saying I had a terrible childhood. This is me saying that just no one ever cared to really sit me down to check in on me. I just had to pretend everything was okay and that I wasn’t affected by everything around me. I wish someone would’ve told me how difficult it would be to cope with having separated parents, including the part where you realize how broken your home is and your father not caring to even try to fix things. I mean what kind of father wouldn’t do anything and everything in his power to fight for his daughter? I guess what I always wonder is if you ever loved me? You said you would love me forever, but you don’t show it in your actions. It has been really difficult trying to cope with you not being in my everyday life because I do think of you every day. I talk to my friends and partners about you. I just wish that when I talked about you, it wasn’t me telling people about how you cheated on my mom, how you didn’t fight to stay in my life, how you still choose to barely talk to me. Or how you leaving my life was detrimental but necessary.

I guess out of everything, I just wish my family was rooting for my growth. That people cared to ask how you leaving has affected me. I’m just tired of being broken-hearted. It is difficult to wrap my head around that the root of my broken-heart comes from my father. i wish you still saw me as your daughter, not as some adult trying to leech off of you. How is it possible that my mom so easily could drop the world and go broke just trying to support my wants and needs? But when I ask you for financial help I am met with so much disgust and you ignore me. Mind you, when I do ask for your help, it’s after I’ve exhausted every option. But why do I have to do that, exhaust every option before asking my own father for help? Why can’t you be the first person I ask for help, if my mom is able to do that for me? I’m not spoken to. I’m left in the dark just because I ask for tuition money. But haven’t you always told me that you would always help me, you’d pay for my school? Why say that but not follow through?

You see, I fight myself every day. Part of me, the hopeful part of me, holds on to the fact that one day, one day you will open your eyes and choose to be a part of my life. That one day, my father would love me. He wouldn’t make me feel bad for asking for his help, the help that a daughter has every right to ask for. In short, I hope one day you would accept me as your daughter. But then, the other part of me, the one that is hesitantly coming to terms with reality, that there will never be a day where you accept me into your life. That you, despite my best efforts of trying, won’t be in my life moving forward. That you won’t walk me down the aisle of my wedding, that you won’t be able to meet your grandchildren, that you won’t see me become an amazing doctor. That you simply won’t be there for the rest of my life because of reasons you only know. That is the reality that I don’t want to accept. I cling on to the hope that you will love me. But when will I have to stop being the parent? When will you reach out to me,, trying to mend the daughter you broke?

I wish I could show you through my eyes, all the shit I have been through? Do you know how difficult it is to be the only one in your entire friend group with a father who doesn’t want them? I vent to my friends on a regular basis. They try to understand but no one has ever understood me. See, I am not alone. I have a great support system. But I am lonely in the sense that out of all the people that I have opened up to, no one has ever understood me. I mean, how could they if they didn’t live my life? So here I am, in hopes that the person who broke my heart, could understand me. Because I’ve been through a lot, yet here I am today, alive (despite my best efforts), beautiful, intelligent, kind, patient, a force of nature, someone that people actively try to be like. I believe I’m a pretty great person. I could be the freaking president if I wanted to. Yet that still isn’t enough for you, is it? What is enough for you? What do I need to do to get you into my life? Is that even possible? I’ve really hit a road block. I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve pulled myself out of the darkest places, but I’m really not sure if I want to continue doing that.

I really do wish you knew how much of my life revolves around you. I know my own happiness comes from myself. I know I myself can only heal me. My brain knows that. My heart on the other hand, my heart is clinging onto the mere hope that I can mend things with you. That all this pain will be something of the past…

I just keep going back to all the good things people have said about me. How my friends, even strangers I just met, how they all believe in me. How they’re able to see me pushing past all my pain just to get where I want to be in my life. How can I get it into your brain that I want to kill myself everyday because the pain is just too much sometimes? How am I supposed to heal from a parent not wanting me, but them wanting their other kid? I have a big chunk of my life that I can’t remember because of the trauma I have gone through. I try to not think about the pain I feel, some days are easier than others. But the difficult days always out weigh the good days. I hope for the day you and my mom take my mental illnesses seriously. Is it too much to ask for the recognition I deserve?

Despite how fucked my brain is, I’m still a smart kind person. I am someone who people want to be friends with. Professors love me as their student. Strangers are happy to have had a conversation with me. All this good people see in me, even when I don’t always see the good in me. Well, I do, but unfortunately I have not gotten to the part in my life where all the good I see in me is enough to where I no longer ache for your attention and affection. Will I ever get there, who knows, I hope. I wish you could see how difficult my days are when they are at their most difficult. Those difficult depressive episodes get really bad, especially when they’re triggered by family posting you with my brother making happy memories while I am just left behind, forgotten about. How do you think that makes me feel? I can go from doing really good with my mental health, loving life again, to then being triggered into a really dark place. I cry and cry for hours. I cry because I’m hurt and alone, because I so badly want to not live anymore but know that I am unable to do anything about it because I’m afraid of pain. If there was a painless way out, I would take it. But here I am, in this very second, fighting my brain to stay alive for myself, my pets, my grandmas, my mom, my tias, and my friends. Isn’t it icrazt that you could be fighting so many demons yet even the closest people to you could never have a clue.

I guess at the end of it all, I long for some understatement. You told me that it’s up to me to fix things before you get old and die. But I have tried. And why not flip the script. Don’t you want to fix and mend things with me before I’m off this planet at a young age?

I want to write so much more, but I don’t think a simple letter is enough to fix the years of my pain. I really it hoped it would be enough to pull me out of this depressive episode but it’s proving not to. My only hopes after this and you readit it, that you get a glimpse of what life is like for me. Then you could understand why it is/ has been difficult for me to connect to someone who biologically is my dad, but chooses to not act like one. Do you know how badly I want things to be normal between us? But how could they ever be normal if you can’t even come to terms with everything you’ve put me through. It saddens me more than anything that we don’t even know who each other are. You know, when I meet people, I always ask them personal questions to get to know them. People like that I am someone who cares for everyone. It’s a good thing at times. Other times, its led me to putting others before me. I’ve neglected myself and my feelings because that’s what my parents taught me. They taught me that listening to their kids isn’t important. So why would anyone else listen to me if my parents can’t even listen to me? Do you see the domino effect that has happened?

I’m really left to pick up all the pieces. Recently though, I’ve been more selfish and putting myself first. I’m constantly reprogramming my neural pathways. I try every day to become a better person. I’ve done a pretty good job. My doctor can see the positive change. It’s really difficult though. To be a person with so much determination, yet be so depressed. How come you and my mom never ask how I’m doing? If you did, you would know that it takes all my strength to just get out of bed. It takes everything in me to be apart of society. I’m not telling you this to throw a pity party for myself, I pityed myself all my childhood. I can’t go back and change everything, I know that, nor do I want to. I just need you two to understand it is really difficult being me, it’s an everyday internal fight that I always lose, but I keep trying. Can you two be proud that I am trying? I just would appreciate if my parents were there for me as easily as they are there for other people. You’re not the greatest parents. I wouldn’t trade you guys for anyone else though. But holy fuck, do I just need acknowledgement that me trying is good enough sometimes. I guess I am just asking for you both to be there for me, emotionally. Wouldn’t you want to help your child overcome their demons/mental illness? I would. Don’t you want to be there for your kid through the good and bad? Don’t you want to help them navigate their lfie? You’ve been my age before, you know how difficult it is trying to figure out who you are whilst also trying to get your life started. Now try doing this in a world where your parent could care less about being in your life, being depressed, fighting against everything you’ve been taught in order to gain healthier coping mechanisms, so that you can be happy and give your future children the love and support you needed growing up.

I do apologize for the pain I put you both through but I was also a child. I’m not perfect, nor are you. But I can own up to the things I’ve done and how I’ve hurt people. Why can’t you? You know, we aren’t that different than you might think. I would say I’m a cool 50/50 of both my parents. You guys would be prod of who I am today. My temperament, personality, orals, looks are just like you (but better of course). I like to point that out because it’s a way for me to connect with you even from a distance.

Despite all the sadness I shared, there’s some positive aspects. Without all the pain I have gone through, I would not be the person I am today. Remove me being depressed all the time, I’m a pretty happy person. I struggle the most with the fact that you are not in my every day life. I feel like I’ve done a lot of things a kid could do to connect with a parent, but i need to be met halfway. I can’t do this alone. In spite of it all, I’ve managed to smile through everything. I’m actually pretty cool. I have an eclectic taste in music. I have a record player. I listen to music whenever I can. I get compliments on my music taste all the time. I care a lot about animals. I really connect with them. I’m artistic in so many different mediums. I’m really intelligent. My friends always make fun of me because when I take a class outside of my major, I tend to quickly say “Oh I can definitely double major in this!” My teachers and I always get along and are always there for me even when I am no longer their student. I sit in front of the class and participate whenever I can.

I do wish you knew the boy trouble I have gone through. Despite the little heart breaks here and there, I am so f-ing resilient! I know to not settle for less than I deserve, and I deserve the world. I know my worth. And I am perfectly fine being alone (without a partner) because I was not put on this earth to be a wife. I was put here to help people heal and be a badass psychiatrist. I really fucking love and cherish my freedom. I am too great to just be with anyone. I like to say the song “You Don’t Own Me” by Lesly Gore is my anthem. I am really secure within myself, I love that. I am also a really good driver. A lot of people feel comfortable with talking to me about their lives, hence why I will also make a wonderful therapist. I sing love songs to myself. I take myself on dates. I buy myself flowers. I read a lot. I’m reading any chance I get. I am always learning. Despite my emotional neglect, I am pretty secure in myself and independent af. Grown me is pretty cool. It’s the inner child in me that needs all sorts of healings. Maybe I’ll never be truly healed, but I just need some percentage of the inner child in me to heal in order for me to continue living my life. Maybe hope is what will kill me, maybe I’m blindly optimistic, but someone has to be optimistic right. I really devote most of my time trying to heal myself. I don’t like being broken, I don’t like not being able to trust people who try to enter my life. I don’t like having hesitations about someone trying to love me. i shouldn’t be doubting someones feelings for me. But that’s what life situations have taught me. I’m unlearning that though, well trying. I’m being patient with myself. Patience and therapy are the perfect combo.

I feel like I’m forgetting to write a lot of things but that’s okay. I just need to reiterate that this is a step towards healing myself. I’ve got a whole lot of issues, demons in my head, me fighting myself. Shit is rough. But I deserve to be healed, to be heard, to be understood. I really believe that parents are the people who should be by their kids side, always, no matter what. A child should never question their worth because of a parent. Without all that I have been through, I would not be able to heal the generations after me. I just need to heal in order for me to do all that I want to do in life. I want to be a doctor, that isn’t easy. But because I will be in school for another 10-12 years, I have to heal myself so that I can move forward and focus all my energy on school. And maybe things won’t be fixed, but at least I can die knowing that I tried and I put the effort into trying to mend our relationship.

I thank you for taking the time to read this. It wasn’t meant to make you feel bad or say you’re a bad father. Life is imperfect. Everyone is winging this life thing. You have your own traumas. My mom has her own traumas. Those are generational traumas that I am willing to put the work into healing for myself, my kids, my future life partner, and for the both of you as well. Don’t you want to die knowing you were heard? And why not be heard by your daughter who will be a psychiatrist (it’s also good to see a nonbiased therapist regularly)? I am willing to put in the hard work, but I cannot do it alone. I cannot do this life thing alone. And right now, I don’t know where to go from here. I just need to be heard for once. I don’t want to be this broken hearted child forever. I can’t cause the same pain to my kids.

I hope you are able to understand where I am coming from. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Healing takes time, I know. There’s so many things I forgot to mention. One day, I’ll write a book about my life and then I’ll be able to (hopefully) put all my thoughts to paper. One day, you’ll be able to see how close my brother and I are (He needs his own healing and therapy too btw. He has a lot of pain he doesn’t share. He needs to feel safe to share his feelings). One day, you’ll be able to witness my greatness with your own eyes. Thanks for everything. I’m not sure how to end this. I appreciate you and the sacrifices you have made for me. I hope to be able to repay you one day. I know life is lonely but it doesn’t have to be.

Your daughter,

Alexis <3