Dear Alexis my queen,

The time has come. You don’t know exactly what it is but the best way you could describe it is well, you finally have words. You finally have a voice. You found your voice. You did the fucking thing you’ve been needing to do. You found your voice and you’ve FINALLY been heard. But SURPRISE!!! Do you know who heard your voice? You did. You needed someone throughout your whole life to hear you. People always listened to you but no one ever heard you. You were drowning for so long. Dying the death of a thousand souls. This is you finally having the confidence to just put all these crazy thoughts and words that were in your head onto something tangible. Something you could feel and grasp onto.

You were hurt. You were traumatized. And I know you’re going to try and justify it saying “well its not the worst thing that could have happened. Yeah, my parents separated but that’s normal and it isn’t the end of the world.” But news flash Alexis, it was the worst thing that could have happened for you and it was the end of a world, your world. Your world as you knew it. You were brought into this world with two parents who loved you and a brother (and sister AND grandma, but that’s a given ya know). You were 14 when it happened. They were arguing for years before that but the final separation and all the rest of the turmoil happened at that age. You were just a young child, barely even a teenager. You had no idea what was happening. You were thrown into this hellfire with no fire extinguisher. Your world was on fucking fire and no one cared to pull you out. Of course, there’s no blame to give to anyone. Unfortunately, I feel as if we have to justify it because well, we’re learning to put our thoughts into words so that other people can see these words and then learn from them lol. Let me just put a disclaimer before moving forward: I have no resentment towards anyone. I don’t blame anyone for what happened and how things ended up playing out. I’m not angry (BUT I am allowed to be angry). There was nothing that anyone could have done to change the course of things. Everything happens for a reason and well, all of this shit you went through fucking happened for a reason. Everything you have gone through was needed so that you can get to where you are now currently in life.

But it happened and there’s nothing you can do about it. The sad part of life is that sh*t happens dude. I don’t know why but they do. A little secret, the universe is a little twisted. It has a mind of its own and it will do so as sees fits. You see – it’s taken me a long time to get here. It might not seem like a long “time” (time is a construct as you know), but it was long internally. Your soul was getting TIRED honey. You’re what, 21 going to be 22 in June? My dear, life is just starting! That’s the beautiful part of it all. Unfortunately, you had to die a million deaths just to get to where you are now. And where you are now is where you are supposed to be. You are exactly where you need to be because that is divine timing my love.

I know you might not feel like it but it is. You know deep down inside that little gut of yours that you are in the exact moment in the exact time that you are supposed to be in. UGH ALEXIS. I wish we could type as fast as we think. But sadly we are confined to this human little body and its capabilities. You have years of knowledge inside that brain that you need to get out onto tangible words so it will be taking some time to do all of that, be patient with yourself my dear. All I can tell you is just buckle up lol.

See, there’s a lesson in all of this. Well actually, there are many lessons. Too many to count. And there will be many more along your life journey but we need to just buckle down and just face what we have right here in front of us, okay? Okay. The lesson is that you had to go down that path that you went down. It was shitty but you had to. Trust me, it will make sense later. See the universe can’t just make shit easy for you. I don’t know why but it just can’t! It will give us exactly what we want but we have to work for it. And working for it might include choosing between different paths. It’s like having to decide between door A and door B. But once you pick a door, there are many other doors and decisions that you have to make. Say you chose door B. You know what was behind door B? A shit ton of lessons. And among those lessons, you found yourself. But it wasn’t easy. You had to go through so much pain and suffering to get to where you are now. It wasn’t easy and it was definitely ugly but you did the damn thing girl!

We (old me and current me) are learning that even if we don’t have the right words or just the right everything, that we just try and try until that right thing you were looking for is right there in front of you. We also listen and trust our intuition now because we know ourselves and we know what is right for us. So hey! There’s a lesson right there. Now, what did I tell you!! You learned to trust yourself, to listen to yourself. You don’t need to listen to anyone else. It’s nice to have other opinions and in this human realm they matter, but all the answers you truly need lie within yourself. I know it sounds silly and you’ve heard it a million times. All I have to tell you is that all those cheesy life sayings people say all the time are well, true as can be! But that is a lesson in and of itself. Words and actions are just that, but they aren’t something until you put meaning into it, get it? 

See the universe is funny that way. It gives you all these words, actions, signs – all the answers you are looking for. But the answers don’t mean anything unless you give meaning to them. You know all your passions and hobbies? You have them for a reason. See you thought, and it’s okay that you thought this way because lol it’s a lesson, you just had them because of your environment and who you associate yourself with. And in part yes, they are there because that’s what is right in front of you but the universe put all those things in front of you for a reason. See you had all these puzzle pieces in front of you and for the life of you, you couldn’t piece them together. But you finally did it. Do you know what all these pieces have in common? It is that they all connect to YOU. You’ve done it without even realizing why you even needed to do it. And voila! You now know why you did all that. It was to get you to this exact time and place in your life.

And now here you are, May 2020. Happy! Living life for yourself. Ugh Alexis. I don’t know what to tell you. We’re at a point in our writing where we can just reflect. To sit back and pat ourselves on our backs. We get to tell ourselves “good job!” but also thank you. Thank you for being so strong that you were able to save yourself after the many deaths that you had experienced over the years. You are a beautiful human inside and out. I am so proud of us for getting here. Your mental illness, your parent’s separation, your losses, your mistakes, none of that defines you. You are you! You are going to be the first doctor in your family. You are going to accomplish everything you have ever dreamed of and more. I can’t wait to see you continue to blossom.

P.S. Please be gentle on yourself because you are your worst critic. People make mistakes Alexis! Get that through your stubborn mind. You royally messed up quite a few times but hey, everybody has. Your mistakes don’t make you any less of a good person. People don’t hate you! You are loved and cherished more than you know.

XoXo,

Alexis