el viaje 1

A Pivotal Moment

03/01/2020

Well, my sleep schedule got fucked up. It messed me up for a few days. That was Friday. It’s barely Monday night and I’m barely finally able to feel good again. I went on a cleaning rampage. That was a workout in and of itself. Lol. I’m also mad that my doctors were right, exercise definitely helps improve one’s moods. But whatever it’s true. I guess the universe is giving me all this work to put into myself so I can see the struggles and benefits for myself. And so I have a better understanding of it all, thus allowing me to bridge the gaps between doctors and their patients. Because the advice they give us is correct but many of us don’t take it. Why? I guess that’s for me to figure out. So thank you universe for allowing me to embark on this journey.

P.s. to the universe: Plz allow me to get the strength to better my resume, apply to jobs I will enjoy and let me receive a wonderful job opportunity that is in my career field, will help me broaden the horizons for career opportunities, pays extremely well, flexible + understanding of my mental illness, have a great boss + coworkers, in a good environment/location, not more than 30-40mins from my house, makes me happy, helps me grow as an individual, lets me network, free parking, safe to park my car at, not worry about my car being damaged or stolen, a job that I am proud of.

03/02/2020

A pivotal moment in my life happened recently when I went to therapy with my dad. My parents separated when i was in high school, but they were arguing for years prior to that. What I was left with from the separation were feelings of inadequacy, feelings of not being nurtured, and feelings of betrayal. I couldn’t understand how someone could walk away from their family for years and have zero remorse.

I was angry with my dad. Angry that he could betray my mom and I. Angry that he didn’t fight for me. Angry that no matter how good my grades were, it wouldn’t change the fact that he left. I was left with all this unresolved pain and trauma. It affected all aspects of my life: how I treated my family, friends, and myself.

I neglected myself for years. I put everyone else’s needs before my own thinking that that is what I had to do in order to keep people from leaving my life. But I learned the hard way that you can’t force people to stay in your life. They’re going to leave if they want even if they know how much it will pain you. I knew afterwards that I had to relearn how to love and care for myself so that I can be happy and confident enough in myself so that when people did leave my life, it wouldn’t break me. I had to learn how to be strong enough for myself.

These therapy sessions with my dad didn’t go as I had hoped. I thought that I would be coming out of these sessions feeling loved and cared for by my dad. That we would be able to put the hurt behind us. But that wasn’t the case. Despite things not going as I had hoped, I walked away with the greatest lesson out of it: the way people treat me does not reflect on me as a person. That’s something I have struggled with for years so I’m starting to feel liberated now. As long as I live with purpose then that is all that matters. I don’t need to make anyone else happy except for myself. I am my own biggest supporter, even if all odds are stacked against me.

I’ve come out of these therapy sessions not only loving myself in a brand new way, but I also became more patient with my own personal growth. There’s no rush in becoming the best version of yourself. I also got a whole new perspective on life. I realized that I am in control of my life. I control my emotions, how I react to things, how people treat me, and how my trauma affects me. I am my own advocate!

Maybe I didn’t get the outcome that I was hoping for, but I came out with so much more than I could have ever dreamed of! I realized that these therapy sessions are for me. I needed to do this therapy work so that I can move forward with my life and leave the trauma behind me so that I don’t pass down this hurt to my future kids. I’m breaking this chain of generational trauma.

Life is too short to wait around for people who don’t even care enough to make the effort to be in your life. I found the love and care that I was looking for all those years. I found that within myself, to my greatest surprise actually. Now, I strive to be able to show people that they too can do all the same. Because we all deserve to be our own biggest fans in this world.

• Trazodone makes my nose very stuffy
• Trileptal makes me sleepy. No side effects. I started the trileptal in the morning and I’ve noticed an improvement.
• Gabapentin hasn’t been working. I really don’t feel any anxiety go away

I feel like no matter how much sleep I get, I’m still always so sleepy. Not as bad as before but still tired. I believe it’s because yes I do sleep longer, but I still wake up multiple times during the night. Is there something better than trazodone (with no weight gain)?

03/24/2020

Well how do I describe what I’m feeling when this really is the first time ever that I am purely happy, even if it is just for a moment. I never thought that this would happen where I get to enjoy one moment being free of depression? Depression has haunted me every second of the day. Depression and the bipolar monster. It is amazing and I am grateful. I’m trying to figure out how to properly explain that I am happy because I love who I am!!! My imperfections and just what/who I am. I am cool! I love my interesting hobbies/ things that I associate myself with.

• I love photography. Digital and film. I have three film cameras and 1 digital camera. I have a vintage aesthetic as some people have said. How interesting is that! I didn’t even know I had an aesthetic. Which makes sense why this one dude would call me “Aesthetic.” I am aesthetically pleasing.
• I love my record player and my vinyls. I love music in general! I have such a diverse (eclectic) taste in music. I’m literally always listening to music, wherever I go. I have a playlist for any mood
• I love candles, incense. Well okay, let me change the way I am writing this…

• 

… to continue what I was writing because I’ve calmed down now lol. But I’m happy. I feel as if I am in better control of my emotions. I’m growing each day. Of course, I have feelings but idk. Like I have hurt and I know I have a lot of hurt but I guess I just don’t care about it right now. i care about putting my energy towards the “now” I guess?

Books to read:

• My Bipolar Road Trip in 4-D by L. Simon
• Hurry Down Sunshine
• Strictly Bipolar
• Two Bipolar Chicks
• Owning Bipolar Manuel
• Birth Of A New Brain
• Clown and I
• Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michaelangelo, and me
• Rock Steady
• American Way Of Death

Places to visit:

• Seychelles
• Forever Wild Exotic Animal Sanctuary

Baby Names:

• Xavier, Barracuda, Eliot, Keanu, Stanley, Shiloh
• Rory, Snoh, Paloma, Esperanza Emilia, Rocio, Caliope