This is a journal entry from Sunday January 16, 2022. At the time, I had just been writing about a regular ol’ day. But days later, I would find out that this would be the day that my best friend, mi hermana para siempre, would transition into the afterlife. The transitioning of my best friend is quite a difficult subject. It’s not that I can’t talk about it, I can, even to strangers. But it’s just hard for me to say the actual words like “I lost someone.” Because it’s not that I lost her, she is still with me, it’s just that she doesn’t have her human vessel anymore. Spiritually I am okay because I know that she is okay and just continuing the journey of her soul, but in the current human reality, I am incredibly hurt and sad.

Looking back at this journal entry helps me figure out some pieces to the puzzle of my own life. I’m really grateful for this entry because I am able to look back at it and realize that I am not lost despite having my sister in the afterlife now. I know exactly what I am doing. And I am only able to hold on to that fact because my sister believed in me, she still does.

Damn, never in any of my lifetimes have I ever thought this would be my reality! If you would have told me last year that this is how 2022 would be for my loved ones and I, I would never have believed you. I wouldn’t have believed you because I wouldn’t have thought that I could choose to continue to live after such a tragedy.

10:32am Happy Sunday <3 I feel pretty great, in terms of wanting to live and whatnot. Yesterday I just kept it super mellow. Went to 7Stars to pick up some flower. I sadly forgot the budtenders name 😛 To be honest, I got distracted because (1) I’m always nervous, and (2) I felt attracted to her and wanted to make sure that I didn’t embarrass myself. She was pretty dope and we had a pleasant conversation 🙂 Hmmm, I wonder if she felt any interest. Universe?

The flower I got were the strains grogru and magic melon! I love the way magic melon tastes. Sigh. I wish I had her name to at least leave a nice review but it wasn’t on the receipt and I didn’t receive an automated message that asks about my experience and has the budtender’s name like the last time I went. Sigh. What to do? And if I were to see her again, how do I confidently ask her if she would like to hang out? If she is a positive kind generous joyous genuine human who would add to my life & I would add to hers as well, then universe help me out please and thank you <3

I’ve felt that taking Adderall for my ADHD (combined type) and Lithium for my bipolar 2 disorder has truly helped me improve my mental health. Life isn’t always easy but at least it isn’t as hard as it used to fell. I truly feel like I am at a better mental place than I ever have been in my 23 years of life. I feel better equipped to handle my extremes.

I have some things to do today but first, I’m going to dye my hair. I was going to wait because my hair hasn’t faded too much but it would look odd if I waited a bit. But honestly I am excited to see the outcomes since I got the neon yellow to mix in with the neon green 🙂 Once that is all applied, I can carry along with what I need to get done I will write it all down on my whiteboard so that I don’t get carried away or overwhelmed like I can get if I kept the list in my head. Eeek 🙂

Also, lmao. FYI to my younger self <3 Who knew when she was a very young teen what brain disorders are and had parents who didn’t believe her when she would tell them that something (mental disorders) was going on with her. Girl. Here you are at 23, taking medications for her bipolar disorder, anxiety, and ADHD! I remember having been more scared to tell my mom about being diagnosed with ADHD than when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I think it’s because ADHD is something I never thought I could have because it’s something people talk about being “overly diagnosed.” I truly thought that my mom wouldn’t believe me just like when I was a teenager. Fast forward to now, and we believe she (and so many other family members) have ADHD as well! Go super wise and intelligent Alexis!

11:26a I’ve been really into sanitizing and refreshing my bedsheets, towels, clothes, and whatever fabric I know I won’t damage in the dryer lol. I also use my wool dryer balls with essential oils for that extra hit of fragrance. Self-care!

Sheesh. I feel that this period (time) of my life consists of pouring back into myself, increasing and realizing my self-worth, learning how to believe in myself, how to trust myself (letting go of the shyness/guilt that covers my lack of trust in myself), and overall becoming my own BFF, like being my own north star/guiding voice! Of course not alone as I’ll have my ancestors helping me out too 🙂

12:34p I wonder what my newly sense of connection to the color green (neon to be exact) comes from. What does the color mean to me? Hmmm <3 Music is therapy!

4:55p Dyed my hair, cleaned the bird cage, swept the house, sanitized the rugs and my sheets, washed the dishes, gave Peppa a bath. I am learning to enjoy taking my time with tasks aka being a human and not rushing to quickly finish it. It is quite a learning journey.