I was feeling pretty down the last few days. I’m not really sure why but that’s why I’m typing this, to get to the bottom of why I was sad! I have this need in me to always understand the why of things so here we are, breaking down my last few days to get to the bottom of things because my doctors like when I track my moods. And I haven’t been doing that lately. My brain likes to think we are on a vacation because we’re at home but no, sadly we still have to stick to our routine even if the outside world is falling apart. Actually, I can’t really remember the week but all I know is the past two days, I’ve just been moping around. I noticed it but I didn’t put too much thought into it. I brushed it off assuming it’s just the rainy weather getting to me or me PMSing. Nothing crazy has been happening. Life has been pretty mellow. Well lol, okay I think I know why I’ve been feeling down. It’s crazy when you brush off the stressful things in your life because you’re just so used to bigger amounts of stress. You’re used to all hell breaking loose, everything being so dramatic and so in your face that when little human stressful things happen, you brush it off because you’ve been through worse.

As I’ve mentioned before, I really am no stranger to death. It happens so often in my life that I try and rush the process of acceptance and mourning because I just know that there’s no point in moping around if I have no control over anything. I try not to cry too often about them either because I’ve heard that crying too much for the passed loved ones doesn’t let them rest. So I try to limit my crying because I want them to be at peace ya know. I lost two of my childhood dogs 6 years ago, 3 months apart. Bella, 7, had bone cancer and even after the surgeries and medications, there was nothing we could do. Austin, 12, was getting old. He had a stroke one day. We rushed him to the vet but there’s nothing we could do. If we wanted to keep him alive, he would need a permanent IV so that we could administer daily medications. But even then, that wouldn’t be a 100% guarantee that the strokes would stop. So we had to euthanize them both and I haven’t gotten over that ever since. It’s just weird having to play god but it is also better than letting them suffer. I was 15 at the time, my parents hadn’t been separated for long, and then to throw this pain on top of that? I was a mess.

Nevertheless, we have to move on with our lives. After the passing of Bella and Austin, my other dog, Achilles, became a single child. But his time is coming. He’s 14-15 years old now. He lives with my dad so I haven’t seen him in a long time which I feel incredibly guilty about. I think that’s what’s eating me up, the guilt of not having spent more time with him. But I feel like he knows just how much he means to me either way. I know he can pass any day now since he’s had a pretty rough week already. So I guess it’s a waiting game really. I’m tremendously devasted but I also have to remind myself that it’s just his physical body we won’t have anymore. His spirit will always be with us. I guess this loss will be a little easier because he isn’t suffering from any major illnesses, he’s just an old man now.

I am an incredibly strong person who has been through hell and back, but the loss of a pet never gets easier. It kinda just throws me down into a spiral. I grew up with my dogs. I had them since I was a child and now I’m a whole ass 21-year-old about to lose another dog. It really is the most painful type of hurt I ever have to experience. They’re just so pure and we that fact that we have to lose them because that’s the cycle of life is really messed up.

I’ve been learning how to identify my emotions and the reasons behind them which hasn’t been easy. Mostly because you have to be self-aware and also have to make it a point to do some introspection to get to the root of it all. So that is what I just did. I was trying to get myself out of this rut for a while but was unable to identify what exactly I was feeling. I was feeling, and still do feel, a little hopeless. Guilty. Exhausted. Heart-broken. Now that I know what I was feeling, I can be a little easier on myself now for not eating and staying in bed all day. I was starting to go down the path of hating myself for not being in a happy mood but I’m glad I’ve learned the skills needed to avoid that path. I just really love all my pets more than anything. If I could, I would only surround myself with animals and no humans at all. I’ll do that once I retire.

*I am just a little mad at the universe because I seem to experience a lot of loss right around my birthday every year and it can just be really hard to not be a little depressed by that. 2009, my grandpa died 10 days after my birthday. Austin died a month before my birthday 6 years ago. Two years ago, my cat, Chlo-Money, died 7 days before my birthday. Now that messed me up really bad. Anyways Universe, I’m hurt.*

**I would like to say thank you to my friend Mariela for unknowingly getting me out of a rut. The universe sent you at the best time for me 💞**