*I lost my shit today and that is okay. Why? Because I didn’t kill myself*

• I need to find a better word in place of “mental breakdown.”
• People with a mental illness (obvi I can only speak for myself) need more credit for not killing themselves
• It really is a battle everyday with my own brain, trying to convince it that it actually does want to live
• If at all anything, I just wish people would give me my space after I first say it. I don’t need to repeat myself, I just want my wishes respected and honored.
• I wish it wasn’t so abnormal to let out a scream in your own home. Would it be better that I killed myself?? No, so let me get my emotions out how I need to.
• I’m just really tired of living
• Why can’t the good feelings last?
• Why do the bad feelings and emotions make me want to end my life?
• I’m only human and I’m only 22, why do people expect so much from me?
• I just want to find someone who understands me and can be there for me when I have my little fits of intense emotions
• I look forward to having a place I call “home.” Somewhere I feel safe, heard, and respected. Somewhere I can be myself without having to worry about what someone is going to say. Somewhere I am wanted and appreciated.
• I’ve taken my parents to years of therapy, why do they completely forget that I have a mental illness?
• I literally want to die every second of the day, why must people make things more difficult? I already don’t want to live, please don’t make my life any more miserable by projecting your own insecurities and issues onto me
• I know I’ll be okay and this bad day is just a day for me to learn but holy fuck, I just feel so alone. Not that I don’t have friends but I just long to find someone who freaking gets me.
• How is it possible that I’ve only been on this planet for 22 years yet I feel like I have been on here for centuries???

Anyways I have a bad headache. I just needed to vent and jot down a few things via my blog because my writing hand hurts pretty soon after I write with a pen. So here I am, picking myself back up after that emotional mishap because at the end of the day, we only have ourselves to rely on. And I mean that in the most self-responsible independent way possible. I’m not saying we are alone forever and we can’t ask others for help. I’m just coming from a place of self-empowerment.

These emotional mishaps used to be my everyday thing and not they aren’t so bad but damn, when they do happen, they drag me through the depths of emotional hell. I can easily see how people may harm themselves in fits of rage. I have every chance and intention of harming myself in those moments but there’s that one thing (idk what it is) that stops me from doing anything drastic. It’s just interesting though like I get how people get to the point of driving their cars into trees or jumping off bridges or literally just anything, I get it. And that’s the scary part of it all. Being in that mindset.

Anyways, I’m ok. Just alone but alive. I just wish I had some answers about my brain is all. it sucks, lol.