Hey Siri, play “Lover Man” by Etta James

I’ve been really working on myself lately, every day really. I feel as if I’m constantly evolving, growing into a better me. But I’ve been feeling some blockages lately. At first, I was pretty unsure about what exactly was causing this blockage because I’ve dived pretty deep into myself to work through all this pain I’ve had. It was eating me up for a while. Not in a bad way, but I was genuinely confused about what in the world could be causing such blockages if I don’t necessarily feel blocked, ya know?

Apparently it’s because the sweet kind Alexis in me is sort of broken-hearted. Nothing crazy intense nor would I even say it’s directed at one single person. Maybe, but it’s more directed to a few people. After rereading this, I guess this is directed at just one person. Gross. I really pride myself on being such a sweet person who always has the best intentions with anyone I interact with. I make it a point to set up my boundaries pretty quickly just because I like to get everything out on the table of what I won’t tolerate from someone trying to be in my life lol. And what bothers me more than anything is people not respecting my boundaries! I just don’t think it’s too difficult to be completely honest with someone because everyone deserves that type of respect, we’re freaking humans, we have hearts and hopefully a moral compass.

Sometimes I do blame myself for involving myself with people who I knew better than to continue things with, who I know won’t take me seriously and just want me for my body. But what can a young doe-eyed 21-year-old girl do when this person she was talking to for so long, all of a sudden admits that he had a girlfriend the whole time you two were talking? I guess I rely on their heart a little too much because I would just think, any kind person would take into consideration my feelings especially if I had opened up to them about my past hurt before? I don’t know, maybe that’s me asking for too much! Who knows. It’s a pretty shitty situation all around but I would like to just say, I know me staying was a bad idea but we all always hope that the person we are so in awe of, would be honest and really keep his word about how much you meant to him. It’s pretty silly to tell someone x, y, and z if you’re just going to continue staying in your complicated situation. It does get more complicated as well when you try to end things but you’re swept up off your feet by their charm for the third time. And stuff like that really has me feeling so stupid because I would like to think that I’m smart enough to not get dragged into a situation that I know isn’t good for me.

Ugh! Love is complicated. It makes you do things you know better than to move forward with. You always hope that one person is going to choose you. You hope that you would be enough for them to change and want to settle down with just you. I mean they tell you how much you mean to them and how much they enjoy your presence, so why wouldn’t that be enough for someone to change their behavior in order to stay in your life? But I guess we have to blame ourselves in that situation because we’re also dumb enough to believe someone who is already hiding secrets from you and you two aren’t even close to being anything serious!

Maybe what hurts more than the actual ending of that mess is just the fact that there was so much hurt that had happened for both people that at the end of it all, you can’t even be friends. First, you lose a lover, then you lose a friend. And it’s pretty shitty because you had both just started really opening up to each other. You know all these intimate details about each other and now, you’re both just at a place where you know you will never talk again. But I guess it’s for the better ya know. I never want to settle for anyone who doesn’t want to be with just me. I want someone to confidently claim me with their whole freaking chest! Okay well not “claim,” but I want someone to be proud of having me as their little girlfriend! Like damn, how beautiful is that to have someone who is so grateful to the universe to have you, that they want the whole freaking world to know that you’re theirs. Now that’s the type of man I want!!

UGH. Lol, I’m just upset that I was so hurt!!! I honestly didn’t think I would be that hurt after the ending of that shit show, but I was. I am. I should’ve known how heartbroken I was when I made a whole ass playlist just for that heartbreak. How corny lol. I never wanted to admit my heartache about that situation because ugh, how could I be so dumb for someone who never even took me seriously! But whatever. Things happen for a reason so that whole situation was just a lesson to teach me to know my worth.

I know we’ll never talk again and I’m becoming okay with that. I know it’s for the best. But one day, I’ll write a whole book about this interesting love life of mine and there will be a little section for him. And I’ll mail him a signed copy of that book as a thank you for being an interesting chapter in my life. I still want to punch his guts but whatever, I think that’s healthy!

Now that we are fully processing this pain, I so freaking look forward to being over this sh*t! I’m honestly so excited to let in all this divine love that is coming my way, I’ve never been more excited to fix a heartbreak. Like wow, I’m really going to meet someone who thinks the world of me and makes sure that his actions back up his words?! That’s freaking exciting!