The Key

An Ending To A Beginning To A Middle

Currently playing: Odessa (City On The Black Sea) by the Bee Gees

December 31st, 2014

10:58pm It doesn’t feel like New Years Eve. Why? Is this what growing up feels like? Because all these holidays haven’t felt like holidays.

11:00pm Watching “White Chicks” alone. I love writing but I’m so lazzzy. I love my black lipstick. I love everything black. Not because “it’s black like my soul” but because it’s a wonderful shade. It goes with everything. I actually feel a little better putting pen to paper. But I’m beginning to go numb again. I think I’m only depressed because nothing feels real. Like seriously, what is life? The whole not knowing anything about what’s going to happen scares me, it frightens me terribly. Like legit what happens after we die? What is death?

Ugh. I hate reading over this. I feel embarrassed to be having these thoughts. Fuck. I haven’t done shit all this winter break. How sad.

11:20pm 38˚-43º I’m freezing. I want to be happy. I strive to be happy. I need meds. Am I crazy? Am I going to amount to anything in life? This Pigma Micron .35m pen is amazing, well worth $3. For 2015, I want to attempt to write in this every day.

2015:

Less surviving
More living
Let’s be happy
Attempt to raise grades?
Be someone!
Well at least try to have a love life
Have a life in general

11:42pm Wow what a shitty ass NYE. I swear holidays are complete shit because my mom never wants to go anywhere. I’ll probably stop celebrating holidays because I get let down every time. Because shitty holidays aren’t worth celebrating.

11:50pm Ugh. Why do I feel like this?

11:55pm What’s a happy NYE? I’m hungry.

11:59pm Hella pumped.

January 1st, 2015

12:02 am Chloe and Odessa, my New Year’s kisses.

Note from 2021 Alexis: Both my babies are in the 5D now. This is my first year not being a cat mom and honestly, I cry a lot lol. But I am forever grateful that I was able to be their mom. Thank you my loves for well, for making sure that I didn’t kill myself. You did what you had to do and now here I am, still alive. Thank you. I love you. And I miss you so much. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams.

12:12am I can see the sadness in my eyes. How disappointing. Before the word “selfie” was used 24/7. what word did people use? I love writing my thoughts out but my writing position hurts my elbow.

Goals for 2015:

LESS being sorry
MORE being naked
MORE accepting of myself
LESS accepting of bullshit
LESS surviving
MORE living
Get good grades so I can graduate, get a car, and get a graduation ring

Should I kill myself or have a cup coffee?

More things that I wish I would’ve written:

“To judge a man by his weakest link or deed is like judging the power of the ocean by one wave.” — Elvis P.
“Poets: They never tell you the reason for the pain or why it still lingers, but they show you how to wear it beautifully, at all times.” —Unknown.
“I’m ashamed of myself because I know I should be better and I have no idea how to get there. I don’t know where to go from here.” —Unknown.
“Even in this world where you’re seemingly getting everything you need and having this nice life, there’s still loneliness and longing and isolation and disconnection.” —Unknown.

January 5th, 2015

“If Frodo can get to Mordor, you can get out of bed.” – Unknown

Date Unknown, First day of school after winter break

I don’t like people using angry tones with me, it’s bothersome. Anyways, I cut my hair and dyed it black yesterday. Still need sometime to get used to it, but I like it for the most part.

I never actually understood what Philosophy was but I googled it. And I think I might have a career in Philosophy. Because I am constantly asking myself: Is our universe real? Is there life after death? Does god really exist? Is any of this real? What is life? And I think that that is why I’m depressed. Because I have no answers to the questions that will never have answers. The not knowing scares me.

Btw, you got back together with Wolfie on 01/03/2015. Maybe this time it will last.

March 2nd, 2015

(Note from 2021 Alexis: This odd thing happened with this page the other week. The page just ripped out, perfectly intact, in some odd manner. I was moving the notebook (it was opened) and then it just fell out. That’s never happened with any of my journals. Interesting.)

I want to break up with Wolfgang. It’s not fair that I’m talking to Sinatra seeing him, dating him, while still with Wolfgang. I know it’s fucked up but I think this just proves that yes, although I do love Wolfgang, I was just used to having him there and was scared to find someone new. But I found someone, I found Sinatra. He’s a good thing for me. I’ve been getting back into drawing and writing. My favorite day, 2/22/15.

April 19th, 2015

Lol, I used to be such a child. I honestly fucked up my life, ugh. Let’s just hope I can do something with my life and be a part of society. Will never understand why I’ve grown/matured faster that other people. (Note from 2021 Alexis: girl, its the ~trauma~)

“For me, the camera is a sketchbook, an instrument of intuition and spontaneity.” — Henri Cartier-Bresson, The Mind’s Eye: Writings on Photography and Photographers

“A synonym for San Francisco: Inspiration. Whatever one’s field of study – arts, humanities, science – SF is a microsphere of everything inspiring to the human spirit.” — Denise, SF Native

“My greatest problem in life is my indifference to the outside world.” — Unknown

“I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.” — H.C.

“To survive her own darkness, she strangled the stars for their light.” —Va’Zaki Nada

“Flower by flower, star by star, wave by wave, Love, I’ve made an inventory of your body.” — Pablo Neruda, My Ugly Love

02/12/2021

To reflect back on these journal entries, all I can say is damn, I freaking survived. I suppose looking back at all that I have experienced in my lifetime is that, I am totally capable of overcoming all the loops that life has in store for me. I may cry a lot but thank god I do because it was SOOO difficult for me to even be honest with myself! I accept myself for all that I am. I look at myself in the mirror and I see strength, love, and perseverance. I glow from within.

2014 Alexis would be sooooooooo happy that she has her own car!!! :’) Miss Anita is just waiting to be taken on a road trip. I can’t wait to document that. I often wonder how little Alexis would feel if she knew 2021 Alexis. I think she’d find me so cool, not many people can heal themselves. We aren’t given a guidebook but I followed my heart, and geez, it feels so good. I can only further believe in myself from here. I’m living proof that a Brown girl can do the damn thing!