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An Honest Truth About Being A Girl With “Daddy Issues”

*Okay also – if I sound “crazy,” please remember I have a mental illness, oops*

**So I’m a really big perfectionist and I like to do things my way. And my way consists of just having good writing skills. But I usually let loose on those writing skills when I am in the middle of a breakdown. And right now, I am in the middle of a breakdown. BUT instead of losing my sh*t and harming myself, I decided it is best to just write it all out and give myself a voice. Because I am honestly so god damn tired of not speaking up for myself.**

***Okay I know this might sound all really intense and it is, but please understand, this is just a piece of what goes on in my head and life. I made this blog to help people like me. And what I needed growing up was just someone to be transparent and real about what they were going through. So I am doing this for people like me! I am doing this for my inner child. Also, I believe we should really stop making people feel bad for showing their emotions. Like I hate to break it to you guys, we’re freaking human. Emotions are kind of really our thing. Plus, if my friends don’t make me feel bad for sharing all this with them, I don’t see why others would.***

A little disclaimer(?): I already know my dad’s family is going to read this and I want you to! I want you to get to know me and my pain because you have never seen this. Well only like two of my tias and my grandma but still. Maybe not the best introduction but an introduction nonetheless. Transparency is what the world needs. I just hope you are able to put yourselves in my shoes and understand where I am coming from. I am not bashing my dad, I am simply speaking my truth. I am sharing my reality with people. I am doing this so we can end this chain of generational trauma.

Now to my breakdown! I am just really sad and overwhelmed with emotions that I figured I might as well process it all by writing. I’m not sure how to write this. I’m going to give it a go.

I feel very alone right now. One thing that frustrates me about myself is just the simple fact that my issues stem from my parents separating, from the trauma I have of being left behind by my dad. See things with him are really confusing. It’s a really difficult situation to talk about because it’s just so damn messy. Imagine having a narcissistic father who always blamed you for problems! But you were just a kid! How can a kid f*ck up so badly that her dad doesn’t want her? How does a grown adult blame their child for not having a close bond when HE is the one who left, he is the one who cheated on my mom. He is the one who caused so much pain.

Honestly, I am just so frustrated with the pain of it all. I’ve worked through a lot of it already. I’ve been working on it for years. But holy damn, it is so exhausting having to fix things all the freaking time! I’ve worked on these issues with my father because I never wanted to be the stereotypical girl with daddy issues. It’s a stereotype that is overplayed and I believe it should be dropped. It’s annoying and no girl should ever have to worry about being that stereotype just because of her relationship with her father. It’s literal effing trauma, it’s not something to sexualize or make fun of. I stopped myself many times from sharing stories about him in fear that people will just categorize me as that girl with daddy issues. But I don’t want to hide that part of me anymore. Because it’s part of who I am. It doesn’t make or break me but I believe it would be very beneficial for other girls like me to know that they aren’t alone. And that their issues with their father don’t define them.

The amount of crap I have dealt with concerning my father is unfathomable. Do you know how hard it is for a young girl to constantly be hurt by her dad? How hard it is for someone to build their self-esteem back up because their dad tore it down into ashes? How f*cking difficult it is to constantly be reminded of how much he does not care about you? To constantly question my worth because he doesn’t want me in his life? It hurts. It all really hurts.

I have some anger in me. A lot of anger. Quite frankly, it’s healthy and I don’t need people to tell me to let the anger go. I spent years of my life suppressing that anger and it killed me. I was trying to “fake it till I make it” but that wasn’t working. The amount of anger someone has does not equate to one’s level of healing. To other people like me: it is okay to be angry with the person who caused insufferable amounts of pain and trauma. You are not any less perfect in your healing journey if you have anger towards them.

Do you know how f*cking hard it is for a daughter to have a father who holds sh*t over her head? For a daughter to hear from her father that he is done with working on their relationship because she didn’t text him for his birthday? That he was done with us and was no longer going to support me in school? It is the most painful thing someone can ever go through. And it’s something I would never wish upon anyone. No child deserves to be unloved and uncared for.

Honestly, I am just so damn pissed at the number of people who feel the need to tell me that I am the who HAS to fix our relationship because I am the mature one with communication skills! It wasn’t until I met my psychiatrist, Dr. Burke, this past March that for the first time in my 21 years of life, someone told me that it is not my responsibility to fix my father! How healing that was to hear! I felt heard. I am also frustrated with the number of people that tell ME that I HAVE to forgive him and let things go. I don’t understand why I have to do so much when I am not even the one who hurt anyone! I didn’t cheat on my partner and leave my kid behind! But according to him, all his nieces want him to be their dad and he just can’t understand why his daughter can’t hug him! Like sir, do you just choose to ignore the trauma and pain you have caused me or what?

I am upset that my self-worth was destroyed by my own parent. That I normalized questioning my worth because no matter how good my grades were or how many achievements I received, none of it was ever enough to have my father be a healthy loving nurturing parent in my life. I am upset that I grew up questioning people and their feelings for me because I had trust issues. I had trust issues because I couldn’t understand how these people could want me yet my own father didn’t want me. I couldn’t understand how all these people saw all this greatness in me yet the one person that I wanted to be proud of me was not present.

And I get it, people have their own traumas. I forgave him a long time ago because I knew he didn’t have a healthy home life growing up. But I believe you can forgive people and still be angry. And I know there’s the part of being compassionate. I’m a freaking empath, I’m really so damn compassionate that I make other people’s problems my own. But as a person who has suffered this trauma, I can only speak for myself and maybe others like me, that it is normal and perfectly okay to forgive someone while still being angry at them. I believe there’s a line where that compassion kinda gets cut off. More so in the sense that people can only mess up so many times and receive so much compassion until their actions are no longer excusable. But after those so many times of f*ck ups and causing people pain for the millionth time, that’s when we as victims of trauma are allowed to be tired of being so damn compassionate to that person.

Maybe that’s just how I feel now and I know I still have so much learning to do, but speaking for people like me and going through the emotions that come along with dealing with a situation similar to mine, we are allowed to feel whatever we feel. Yes, psychology and spiritual stuff say to forgive, to not let others affect us, to not stay angry with people BUT considering we all deal with life differently, it is so freaking healthy to just go through those emotions! Work through those difficult emotions first, take a step back and then decide how you want to proceed further. There’s really no right or wrong way to heal from such issues. You do what feels best. But also, don’t be afraid to change up a bit and challenge yourself in a healthy way that will be beneficial to your growth.

I believe people do their own healing that works best for them. Of course, it’s best to not be angry and hold those feelings inside you, but honestly, sometimes you just NEED to be angry. You need to feel those feelings because YOU are the one going through your reality. I just say don’t make anyone feel bad for healing differently than you. Yes, it’s nice and can be helpful to add your advice but PLEASE stop making people feel bad for not being all rainbows and sunshine when it comes to the person who caused them so much damn trauma. Our lives were turned upside down, torn to the damn ground because someone decided to mess up other people’s lives because they couldn’t face their own demons.

Well, that is all I really have to say. I am just so thankful for all my friends being right there beside me through this journey of healing. Ashley brought me Dutch Bros because i was having a rough day (and really bad cramps, being a womxn is hard!) and it was just the nicest thing anyone could ever do. She messed up my order but it’s the thought that counts, lol.

I would like to add that I am SO proud of myself for all of my growth. A year ago, I would’ve really burned a house down or something just so that I can ignore my feelings. But now, I let all the tears out. I feel it. I really feel it too. I’m pretty dramatic with my feelings so I go all out and sulk. I put on my favorite t-rex hoodie from the Natural History Museum in LA, put on the sad music, and cry. But my resiliency rate?! Pretty damn quick now. Of course, I hurt for a few days, weeks, however long but I am no longer ignoring my issues and letting it build up inside of me. I reach out to my friends as soon as the rush of emotions hit because it can be too much to deal with alone. I really am a whole freaking phoenix!

Also, I am SO sorry for anyone who found this all a little really intense. It’s honestly just what I feel. Imagine how I freaking feel dealing with it 24/7! It’s hard having my brain. It takes a lot of power to maintain stability within it as well. Every day, I am getting further in my healing journey.

I actually got a reading by this amazing kind person the other day (@luzshadowss on twitter, she is amazing) and she said something that really hit me in the face, in a good way. She said, “Think about us as people and the healing that we have to go through, self-healing without someone else inspiring you to do it or without someone telling you how to do it, and you just finding your way to do it, that’s truly f*cking powerful. That’s really f*cking powerful. The thing is, we have to be more compassionate that we are people like that who have been able to do that, we have to be more compassionate with ourselves. Because that is not an ability that comes to people very easily… People who can do that on their own are different.” And that’s when it hit me! I have done a tremendous amount of work to get where I am today. I had no playbook or people guiding me through this. I have had to do so much healing, so much shadow work just to be in this state of mental stability. I have done this so early on in my life too. I am a freaking bad a**! I never give myself any credit for any of this because it’s just who I am, it’s what I’m doing for myself, not for anyone else. But nonetheless, it is something not a lot of people can do and it’s something I should always be proud of.

I like to play “Make Me Proud” by Drake when I need a little self-esteem boost and it really freaking works! It’s a song I dedicate to myself. I used to live my life to make others proud. But now, I live my life to make myself proud. How effing great is that?!