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Ba Dum Tsss, Uncreativity!

“One must also accept that one has “uncreative” moments. The more honestly one can accept that, the quicker these moments will pass. One must have the courage to call a halt, to feel empty and discouraged.” — Etty Hillesum

Y’all I have been trying to write on my blog for the longest. But I kept feeling like whatever I had to say wasn’t good enough or that I have SO many things to say and that I don’t know how to put that into coherent pieces one by one. So this is all the energy I have to exude.

My journey with grief as I continue to make great strides in my life has been so damn illuminating. I have noticed that my days are very routine, I cry at usual times of the days. I cry on my way to work (to get the grief out so I’m not crying around the kids LOL), I cry on my way back home (I miss being able to call my BFF and talk about our days), and then I cry when I am transitioning from work mode to home mode (S/O to my fur baby bc she really is my emotional support). So much crying but I welcome it even though crying causes physical pain that is really annoying.

Tbh, I feel that I am very open about my pain because I hope it reminds people that there’s more to the surface than a smile and colorful hair lol. I’ve been minimized for so long and I’m so over it. I’m going to feel my big feelings and unleash the utmost confidence in myself. I grew so tired of not being able to see the good in me that other people see. I grew tired of it because it felt like everyone else knew me better than I knew myself. Which is completely false, I know myself more than anyone. People (mostly talking about my toxic family members lol) like to make me feel as if I don’t know what I am doing with my life. And sadly, I freaking listened to them. But that resulted in me becoming oblivious to wtf my soul, heart, and brain were telling me. Now that I’m listening to my intelligent knowledgeable self again, I am having so much fun in life! Life really is more fun when I wear the colors of the rainbow and glitter on my forehead. Human disclaimer: just because I’m connected to my intelligent self doesn’t mean that mistakes won’t be made. Mistakes are how you know you’re learning 🙂

Life is that much more sweet knowing that my BFF Maya is in a different dimension, and not ‘gone’ forever. I miss her every day. No words can explain all that I am feeling. But knowing myself, I’m still going to try lol!