Siri play “I Can” by Nas

I love looking back at my childhood photos and just seeing the happiness in my face. I haven’t changed much either. I still smile just as wide. I’m always waking up in a cranky mood with my hair looking like a freaking birds nest. My brother and I are usually together, but making fun of each other at the same time. I’m usually spending my time cuddling with my pets. I am still very much of a brat as I used to be. I still don’t pay any attention to how my facial expressions are coming off to people (my family really dislikes that I always raise my left eyebrow, it’s just so fun!). I’m really just one big ball of crazy and love! I wonder what characteristics I will pass down to my kids. I also wonder what will be passed down genetically and what will not. I only want to birth like one kid. I really don’t want to put my body through so much change, I’m not that strong. Plus, I want to be like Angeline Jolie and adopt a bunch of kids. Maybe not a bunch, I don’t know the amount, but I’ll have at least two kids. I just want to help kids and pass down my legacy to them.

I guess I’m curious to see what will be passed down to my kids because I can see what my parents passed down to me. I’m very driven and determined like my dad. I’m nurturing and caring like my mom. Eh, I look like a perfect combination of them both too, 50/50. I can cook pretty damn well, I get that from my mom. I’d help people in a heartbeat like my dad. I can spend the entire day reading just like my mom. There are some pretty cool things that they passed down to me! I’m proud of all of it! I’m even “proud” of the trauma that was passed down to me. Maybe proud isn’t the word I want to use but basically, I’m not ashamed of the trauma. Intergenerational trauma to me is trauma that is normalized and not yet unlearned that, as the name implies, gets passed down through generations! The trauma stems from not only one singular event but multiple events that were constantly being replayed time and time again, across generations and generations. Trauma is just an unfortunate thing that happens. But that’s no excuse, it can be avoided and the cycle can be broken. It just takes a lot of work and time. It isn’t easy. It’s pretty ugly and so uncomfortable so much so that you get sick to your stomach and end up having a dissociative episode that you’re stuck in for like 5 hours after therapy and have to sit in your car and cry while you ride out the episode.

Healing generational trauma is ugly! But it is so worth putting the time into! I don’t think that there’s some magical recipe or a solid timeline on how to and how long it will take to fix it but all I know is that it’s possible. You don’t have to forgive people right away. Only you yourself know what is best for you. I’m just saying that forgiveness was apart of my healing journey. I do suggest going to therapy though! You don’t have to go through therapy the entire time, but it’s definitely helpful and gets things really going. I started going to therapy with my parents in high school. That sh*t was so weird! But it also felt pretty cool and like “yeah I have my head on right” because I go to therapy with my parents. At the time, I definitely was NOT happy to go therapy, especially with them together at the same time, just a few years after they separated, so there was still very much a bunch of awkward tension. But because I survived the awkward waiting room moments and ugly crying sessions being rudely disrupted by the therapist’s alarm signaling the ending of our session, I can now say that I am so happy I went to therapy with them! It wasn’t easy but it was easy, ya know? It was difficult but necessary. Things still aren’t perfect, life isn’t perfect. I recently went to therapy with my parents for the first time since high school! But this is the first time that I was going as an adult who can drive herself and also has to now have two separate sessions with her parents. It was only a handful of times but it’s mostly because I felt as if my therapist was not the right one for me/us and I honestly just was not strong enough mentally to work through the dirty work of going to therapy with my dad! I still had to do a lot of self-work to get my head on a little bit tighter and have the tools necessary to proceed forward with the healing of dad thing. I just needed to work on myself and my issues so that I can be able to leave my ego and past hurt at the door.

So I took a break from therapy with my dad. I started going to therapy (and my psychiatry appointments) for just me myself and I. And then the p*ndemic happened. Now I don’t have a therapist or a psychiatrist behind me. It’s a little scary but I’m glad I have the right medication dosage and some new tools to hold me off until I do get some people back on my team. Anyways let me fast forward to now, I’m on good terms with both of my parents! This is a really big thing because I’ve always had a difficult relationship with them. Not that they didn’t love me or that they hated me, we all had some emotional wounds that we never healed. BUT, being the all-knowing Alexis that I am, doing this pretty great thing of going to therapy with my parents to heal intergenerational wounds, well now I get along with them, on a healthy level. We still aren’t all there yet but we’re getting somewhere which is better than nothing. I went from always questioning my place in their life to having the security within myself to be okay with whatever happens between us.

It makes me laugh looking back and telling my story to people. They just have this 4 eyed Gen-Y Latinx telling them her story about going to therapy with her Generation X super Mexican yet Americanized parents. It’s pretty funny! It’s a thing you would only hear in 2020! I know I’m not the first person to do this but I am the first me to do this so it’s an overall pretty big deal. Hell, I don’t know anyone else personally that has gone to therapy with their parents! Lol sorry to my parents for stressing them out and having to be told they have to go to therapy with their teenager who just dyed her hair like 5 different shades of blue. It just sounds so surreal and funny but at the moment, it was all so painful, awkward, and just difficult to face. But heyyy! Shoutout to my parents and I, we did the damn thing! It isn’t easy and every day I choose to continue working with them to better our relationships together. They were just out there trying to work hard for my brother and me while going through a separation, then they just have my dramatic ass in the background wishing to die 😂 Ugh it’s crazy! But it’s my life. And hey at least we all have interesting family stories to tell people now. We could probably win at some type of drinking game. Anyways I love my parents. They don’t make it easy and some days I just like to pretend they don’t exist, but at the end of the day, they’re my parents. They’ve done the best they could do with the knowledge they had. They sort of f*cked me up along the way but everyone is f*cked up one way or another. At least I still have both my parents alive and healthy and in my life, even if it is just a foot in the door. I wouldn’t be where I am without them.

Now imagine how I feel about ever having to open up my family story to a maybe significant other, they would run in a split second. I guess we’ll just see how this life thing comes out. I can’t wait to share all of this with my future kids! This blog will be their physical proof they need to really believe me when I tell them about how crazy their family is!

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” – Dolly Parton, my country queen!