Blog Posts

Back Down Memory Lane

Hey siri play, “Kiss You All Over” by Exile

One quote I have always lived by is “Be the person you needed when you were a child.” It’s a great saying as it speaks about growing into the person that you would’ve loved to have around as a kid. Someone who supports all your wildest dreams and ideas, someone who captures all of life’s memories, someone who freaking listens to music whenever she wants to! That’s the person I’ve grown into and it has brought me so much fulfillment. I decided to go down memory lane and look back at all my photos on my external hard drive. I have photos from back in 2009! I have wayyyy more photos on one of my older laptops too but I can’t remember the password to that one. One day I’ll crack it though. Back to my main point, I have about 110,000+ photos (that I have access to) documenting my life for the past 12ish years, how freaking beautiful is that. I just have this total fascination with photos, like you know when you care about something so much the love and passion for it just flows through your body? That electric feeling? That’s how I feel about photography, as we all should know by now. So it completely thrills me to be able to document my life and other’s lives as well. I have had the privilege of following a couple of moms on their journey of motherhood. From documenting their baby shower to the baby’s first birthday. I also love graduations, birthday parties, and family gatherings. That’s what makes me happy. Something about capturing life’s moments, whether big or small, really just fuels my will to live.

I’ve been editing videos and photos since I was in elementary school yet I’m not sure why I have never shared my work. I mean I shared some of my high school work on FB but that’s just school dances, rallies, and just all the yearbook stuff I did. I have all this gold sitting in my hard drive and I’m barely freaking realizing it is gold, wtf! Looking back at everything, I was able to notice patterns. I’m really the person with a camera in my hand at all times just literally capturing history, for yearssss now. Idk, this is where my bipolar ass really has to ground myself because, in times like this, where I’m on coasting on this creativity train, I get so excited because I can see the whole vision freaking years down the line and I knowwww it’s good. And because I know it’s good, I can easily get carried away and feel as if I have to rush to put everything out there. And that’s where the great Mother Gaia (in the form of the Strawnana strain today) comes in handy! *Cue Tocatta and Fugue in D minor, Bach by Ormandy* I can ground myself and focus on my breathing. I set an intention, speak affirmations to Gaia/the Universe/myself, do my favorite breathing exercise as I enjoy Gaia, look at my vision from a more calm view, and just freaking be okay with not having every single one of my ideas out there yet. Which is expected because I’m just a 22-year-old human, I have plenty of time because time is just a social construct.

Yo on a personal note though – I really wish people knew just how much weed has helped me manage my bipolar disorder. I don’t even take my prescriptions anymore! I haven’t for months. I didn’t like who I became on those pills. I want to tell people all about it but there are still soooo many people out there who have sticks up their bums. I had this coworker who would constantly minimize and talk crap about other coworkers and just say terrible things like “So and so keeps smoking too much weed that’s why they are always late. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” I’m just listening and all I could think was, dude if you only knew that they aren’t even the ones who smoke weed!!! You like me but only because you think I don’t partake in substances. But in actuality, I’m the freaking stoner here. It just goes to show that people like to make negative assumptions just because they are so unhappy with themselves. And why I keep private about most of my life, I am protecting my energy and all that I care about.

Hello, my name is Alexis and yes, I am a stoner. That is so funny for me to say because of the negative connotations the word “stoner” has for no good reason at all. That’s really why I like to keep my weed usage on the down-low because I like for people to show me their true colors themselves before I really open up my layers to them. In silence, that’s where people reveal themselves.

But now, as I am getting older and starting to grow into my skin, I am learning to well, wear all my layers out on my chest for the world to embrace whether they like it or not because this is who I am. It’s just so freaking interesting how my people, my indigenous Mexicans, use(d) weed and mushrooms (and many other earthly things) as a freaking MEDICINE. They had rituals to go with it, RITUALS! But then a white colonizer comes along with his insecure little dick energy, doesn’t do the ritual, goes ahead and consumes the plant, has a bad high because they are forced to face themselves in the mirror. And what do they see in the reflection?! The devil Why? Because THEY themselves were the devil. The devil’s energy (and I say energy because I don’t believe there is an actual devil, just low vibrating frequencies) was in them. They were literally murdering a shit ton of people just for the simple fact of wanting ~power~. And boom, that stuck for some reason and now white people are capitalizing off our medicine which was never supposed to be used for money exchange in the first place!!! Now people like me, have to go through white people just to connect to our culture. How fucked is that? Idk why but I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. It’s just been on my mind and it’s been fueling some amazing writing entries.

**I just think it’s funny how when techies use MDMA to micro-dose, it becomes a trend and people praise them for it. But when Brown people, like me, micro-dose or use any form of “dr*g” for HEALING purposes (or whatever purpose we see fit), it’s seen as the most terrible thing and it goes into people saying we don’t deserve to have any rights, blah blah blah. Just something white people should acknowledge and be mindful of when they themselves are deciding to buy these substances for themselves and their other privileged friends.**

https://www.faena.com/aleph/maria-sabina-a-most-fascinating-mexican-healer

If I can just document my life as well as others for the rest of my life, then I can die happy. And I can do that! So you know what that means? I will die happy. I won’t be dying to end my life, I’ll be dying because it’ll be my time to go and I’ll be happy to dip out this human existence because I accomplished what I had set out for and stayed true to my heart.

ALSO, I’m learning to stop code-switching. I’m letting myself talk how I want to talk. I shouldn’t have to adjust my speech just to please some colonizer. I don’t want to fit into white culture, nor do I want to survive in it. I just want to remove myself completely from it and just be in my own culture. And me being in my own culture has to, oh and it will, be enough for everyone, from colleagues to strangers to family members. I am not changing myself just to make others comfortable. That’s so ridiculous.

You know I’m really not exactly sure wtf I am doing but trusting my intuition, I’m freaking on to something!

Omg, I was watching Sabrina The Teenage Witch yesterday, and by their definition of what a geek is, like yo, I’m a geek. I wear glasses, I have asthma, and I want to do well in school. How funny. Just interesting how titles don’t just have one fit all image because titles are just, nothing.

Now enjoy this little trip down memory lane 🙂

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Question of the day: If you were a condiment, what condiment would you be?

*You know one thing I have noticed about myself, like I mentioned earlier, I get pretty excited about my ideas and all the revelations I have. And they come fast so I have to be quick to capture them physically. And with that comes not really finishing whole ideas. I notice that I do that and it may bother some people when reading my blog because some thoughts could be elaborated or continued. But I am trying to get better at being able to slow my roll and actually take the time to go back and finish up those unfinished thoughts. I’m also just being kind to myself because it doesn’t have to be perfect! And that’s what I really need to learn and humans in general need to learn, I truly believe it is okay to not finish something if it really is not calling you to finish it. Anyways, that’s my brain, lol*

XoXo,

Alexis

P.s. One observation of myself revealed to me that when I am feeling a little manic, that’s when the Bach by Ormandy comes on the speaker and I just create. So to my future partner, if you’re reading this which you should be, when you hear Bach (or any of my more intense classical music) come on, just know that I’m amped up and I need to just be left alone to let my creative juices flow. If not, I will let this energy out in a not so fun way. Like anger. Thank you in advance for being so patient, you’re so cool.

This playlist is where I go to channel this intense energy into something more positive instead of a more destructive route as young Alexis would’ve done without hesitation.