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Bath Thoughts in April

Currently playing: That’s That by MF Doom

8:57p Hi blog! I’ve missed you. Life has been so interesting. The last time I was on here I had just started my new prescriptions. The initial side effects were extreme drowsiness but that went away after the first week. Except for the anti-anxiety (which is actually a antihistamine aka allergy pill), hydroxizine pamoate 50mg. I don’t know if I would say that I experience less anxiety, but that it just puts me to sleep so I kinda just use it as a sleeping pill. I feel like the Wellbutrin XL (anti-depressant) 150mg has me on the edge of a manic episode so there’s that. I don’t really have a review on Ziprasidone Hcl (anti-psychotic used to treat bipolar disorder sometimes) 40mg except that I feel more in control and understanding of the intrusive thoughts. Is there anything to help with all the nightmares? Who knows. And if I’m being so honest, I have been feeling like a chunky monkey, for lack of a better explanation. I don’t know what it is but no matter what I eat, I just feel so full so early on. And that’s that I eat pretty slow but whatever. On a different note, I think I’ve been less depressed? I have had some more energy lately.

Dude – I feel most myself when I am taking a hot bath, soaking in the human experience with the help of some cool tunes. This is my meditation. If I’m known for anything it’s my love of baths. I attribute that to my mother since she loves baths as much as I do. But I just simply make it a point to take a bath any chance I get, especially if it’s somewhere new. They truly allow me to make my squirrel self just sit down and enjoy being alive without the weight of the world on my shoulders doing a trapeze act. I feel very connected to my body and also very vulnerable.

Wild story: so yesterday I had this song, Around The World (La La La La La) by A Touch Of Class and Pete Konemann, stuck in my head. I was hanging out with Maya and we were just listening to music in the car and I told her, “All I can hear in my head is that one song that goes like La la la la la.” We joked that it was my last brain cell, lol. Fast forward to when I was FaceTiming Sol and she starts humming that song! I tell her that’s the exact song that was in my head earlier that day and we just sit amazed but not surprised considering we’re really each other’s half. An interesting moment indeed.

One of my favorite things to do is to sit down with Sol (and my other BFFs) and read her my journal entries. She just sits back and listens, pointing out connections that I may miss from my perspective. My entries from early February 2021 included a lot of writings about me just wanting to find the words to be able to spell out my trauma for others. okay I just get a tad bit triggered when people say I look “fine” as if that correlates to how my mental health is doing. In some cases it does, but for someone who as good as I am at putting up walls and facets, you’ll tend to only know how I’m doing if you just ask me, ready to listen with wide open ear canals. I seem to easily forget how open I am. I suppose because it’s something that I am on a soul level (realizing this has helped my little issue of identity) that it gets buried under the scuffle of my roller coaster of emotions and intruding thoughts.

Omg!!! I forget that I have a therapist and a psychiatrist now :’) I’ve only had two sessions with the therapist and 1 one with the psychiatrist so far but I’ve noticed my improvements. It’s nice having the medical and emotional support, but it’s pretty upsetting how much of a privilege it is when it should be readily available and offered. Back to my point, I seem to thrive on being able to observe myself, on a physiological and psychological level. It fulfills the little researcher in me. It’s been hitting me that of course doctors won’t know everything about bipolar disorder because they only know what patients tell them. Only we ourselves can truly know what our “disorders” encompass. We know ourselves best. It’s been uplifting to know that I am doing my part to destigmatize bipolar disorder.

I really like thinking, it’s my favorite way to pass time lol. Sometimes I think too much and my brain starts to hurt tbh, that’s when I focus on breathing. I’ve been practicing breathing exercises since I was in high school (shoutout to cognitive behavioral therapy!) to combat the anxiety I would get before a test.

I am so brave and courageous!! That’s wild to me.

Omgggggggg!! I forgot I got a new tattoo :’) RIP to my Odessa, the realist cat out there. Shoutout to Alex at Red Skull Tattoo in El Paso, Texas – he did an amazing job. I initially wanted Odessa’s name in old English but when Alex showed me the script he drew, I instantly knew that it was for me.

I also got my hair done as well. Shoutout to Bonnie at Urban Opulence in El Paso, Texas :’) My soul sister!! Completely blessed to have connected to someone so quickly and for her to have been my hair stylist that day. I felt so empowered and uplifted just by being in her presence.

Okay time to really enjoy my bath now. I let my brain get the words out and now I’m ready to relax. I’ll probably come back and edit this but who knows!

A human issue I’ve been experiencing: learning how to take people for what they show me rather than relying on my hope that they changed. Some humans do a whole lot of talking but are completely lacking in the follow through department. And I can’t fault them for that either. But geez, I would just rather there be no talking if there’s not going to be any follow through with those words. These situations have me feeling so dumbfounded because the words reflect change but only at the convenience of the other person. Ugh, my heart is fighting the air. It’s quite possibly why I tend to stay single and mingle because it’s rare to find people who have the capability to follow through their words. I know this for sure stems from my childhood and I guess that’s why I feel so dumb sometimes because it just irks me that you can’t “screen” people to see if they have ~improved~ or not. And I mean improved in the sense that they are able to show commitment to be in life, whether as a friend or just someone in my life or a partner. I do understand people are busy but you make time for what you want. And I do understand some people struggle making time for what they want and that’s fine, I just don’t necessarily want that in my life and that has to be okay. It has to be okay for me to have preferences and not feel bad about them! Letting go of the guilt that I actually do have preferences. I do adapt but geez sometimes it’s exhausting and I feel like a pushover because it’s hard for me to voice what I actually want because I’m so used to looking out for others and making sure that they are taken care of.

RIP DMX ❤️