Hey Siri, play “Mountains” by Charlotte Day Wilson

** this is just a post of me ranting about being sad that I’m stuck being bipolar **

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Maybe a little too much thinking because I almost fell down the depression rabbit hole. It was pretty scary, all I could think about was that if I did fall down that rabbit hole, would I have failed at being a happy spiritual person? But I wouldn’t right? Because my spirit guides know that I do suffer from a mental illness and some days end up being harder than others. I don’t know, it just makes me sad that I am sort of “stuck” with this bipolar thing. I’ve been doing pretty great mentally but things have been a little difficult as of lately. Maybe it’s because of my dog’s passing, who knows. I’m just sad I’m bipolar lol. It honestly feels like a death sentence at times. I can be doing so good and then I just get caught up in my brain about being like this. Even with these good days, these bad days end up taking over a bit. I haven’t been having any suicidal ideation a up until recently. I think it’s just the stress of things that really throws me over the edge. It just feels as if I always have to have it together, that I can never have any bad days. I’m probably looking at it all wrong and I know I definitely need a new perspective on this bipolar thing but fuck, it’s just hard right now. And it’s hard not being able to open up to the people I am surrounded by. People understand that I’m bipolar but like they also really don’t fully understand. It’s just being in the place of wanting to be open but also not wanting to bother anyone. I mostly don’t want to bother anyone because I know I can overcome this since I’ve done it so many times before, but sometimes I do need help. The “unfortunate” part is that no one really knows how to help. And I don’t know what I myself need to make myself feel better. A new brain would be really freaking nice. I don’t know, I’m just sad. I’m sad that I’m so open about this thing but I’m also so embarrassed by it. It’s sad that even my own family can be pretty insensitive to what I go through. They aren’t bad people but they just have yet to change their way of thinking when it comes to mental illnesses. I suppose I simply get exhausted of constantly having to explain that I’m freaking deal with a whole mental illness, sometimes I need to be treated with a little more kindness than the usual treatment I get. I just need more patience. I don’t need to be poked at and constantly being told how “sensitive” I am. Like no shit I’m sensitive, I’m trying to not kill myself everyday but the way you treat me really throws me over the edge at times. It just hurts me that no matter how open I get with them, their brains just can’t wrap around needing to change their old behaviors so that I’m not constantly being overlooked at.

I’m just sad. I’m happy that I’m in San Diego with my best friend and that we’re really enjoying ourselves. But I’m sad that I can’t even enjoy it completely because I’m fighting my own thoughts so I don’t fall down a rabbit hole. It feels like no matter how much I try to stop thinking, I I just can’t turn my brain off. And I really just need it to quiet for at least 5 minutes so I can see things with clarity and not through the eyes of someone who wants to kill herself. I just don’t think it’s too much to ask for that I receive a little more patient and understanding. Also how many times do I have to explain to people that little things can take me from 0-100? I literally feel the anger build in my chest when I am thrown that route and it takes everything in me to not lash on people. Idk. I would just like some props for keeping my damn shit together is all. And I knowwww, I have to give myself my own props but it would still be nice to receive it from others.

See, and then I start thinking even more. My mind brings me to the thought of having to share all of this with my future partner(s). Like damn, I’m a whole ass mess. I’m really going to have to explain this whole thing to how many people until I find my divine love?! Maybe I should just be single for the rest of my life so I don’t have to worry about explaining my life and mental illness to people. I can definitely being a single career mom! Single people adopt kids all the time! Who knows. Plus, I’m honestly getting tired of trash men only seeing me for my body. I know I’m not the only one who deals with it but it’s just too much for me. The amount of times I’ve had to have conversations with guys telling them to not bother trying to be in my life if they aren’t going to benefit it any way or respect me for more than my body, well it’s a pretty baffling amount. The male species is just pretty disgusting and I’m kinda really over it to be quite honest. But what’s new, we all already knew that.

At the end of the day, I just wish there was some magical pill to stop the suicidal ideations completely because the antidepressants aren’t enough. I’m just tired of crying so much about being so broken. It’s just incredibly difficult trying to have it all together everyday because I honestly don’t have it all together. I know I’m put on this earth to help heal people but I always think that I’m a small blip in this life. There were people before me and there will be people after me to help heal others. Can I, one single human, really help enough people to make my life feel significant? I already know what my therapist would say, I have to find my own significance in my life but honestly, I don’t really care to half the time.

Anyways, I’m going finish this bath and rest because we go back home tomorrow. I really look forward to being with my pets again. They’re really the main reason for me continuing to live. They’re my babies! Also okay I feel better now that I talked about all that. Thank you for reading! Please send funny memes or cat videos my way.

Fun fact: poison ivy and poison oak are both a part of the cashew family!