Blog Posts / Womxnhood

Becoming One With My Sexuality And Waiting For The One

Hey siri, play “Alone & Unafraid” by ELIZA

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When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

— Maya Angelou

I found myself through celibacy! Of course, it’s definitely a group effort between all of my disciplines and beliefs that have gotten me here today but celibacy was something I didn’t even know would be so crucial to my growth. Sexuality and relationships are two topics that I hold very dear to my heart, they are my passions! I was able to learn about both subjects through personal experience yet it never accord to me that I could gain more knowledge by being single, alone (not lonely), and celibate.

Celibacy in 2020?

In my journey of celibacy, I have become more creative, loving of myself, and one with the universe. I actually didn’t realize how important my celibacy was to me until I had a slip-up, which I won’t even call it a slip up because it only further propelled me into my spiritual journey. I want to type up this blog post as if I’m talking to a friend instead of strangers SO I am going to be super raw here.

I’ve always been connected to my sexuality and I never wanted to really put a title on it. I never really wanted to identify as straight because I’m not only into the opposite gender and I didn’t want to identify as bisexual because I’m into it all so I’ve come to terms with just not labeling myself in the sexuality department. I knew I wasn’t “straight” since forever! Yet my dating life has consisted of strictly males so I never got to experience anything else thus leaving me questioning what I already knew deep inside myself. Fast forward to this year when I really started having fun with my sexuality. I had my first sexual experience with a girl and wow! Women are beautiful.

I was celibate at the time but open to encounters that the universe deemed worthy of my growth. So I told the universe “hey, if I’m supposed to do this thing with this person, please let them make the first move.” And they did! It wasn’t planned and it just happened, just like all good things do. It was a beautiful experience but a scary one. I was scared because I was completely out of my comfort zone! I always dreamed about this happening and now it was FINALLY happening. I had to be honest about being a newbie in this department which was a first for me because I enjoy the fact that I know how to pleasure others. But considering this was new for me, I had them take lead and it was so enjoyable because there was communication the entire way. It was the first time that someone actually told me to not rush anything and just enjoy the experience. That completely caught me off guard because I’m so used to there always being an “end goal” in sex. When in reality, there really shouldn’t be an end goal, it should really just be about the experience of being completely raw and intimate with another person especially considering you are literally sharing energy. Despite having such a beautiful experience with someone that I trust so much, I started to notice a shift in my behavior and how I was feeling.

It had gotten me quite confused and I was not expecting that. I was feeling so many things. I was reveling in the fact that YES I finally got to have my experience that sort of “proved” to me that I really am not straight like at all. How eye-opening and relieving that was. There was communication between this person and I before, during, and after yet I was still feeling like “Well, what now?” I just didn’t know how to go about this because my encounters with men have just been a hit it and quit it type of thing. I was scared of opening up to people and being in a relationship so I always kept them at a distance. These men weren’t that romantic or in touch with their emotions which only made me more fearful of relationships. They only cared about having a Latina (can you believe a guy has called me a devil because I’m Mexican LOL) with big boobs and a pretty face in bed. But I can’t blame them, I chose to let them into my life and I accepted their treatment of me. ANYWAYS, I was processing this whole experience for like a whole week. After talking to my best friends and myself, I finally got the answer I was looking for.

I wasn’t questioning the experience because of the person it was with, I was feeling off because I had broken something I committed myself to and that was celibacy. Mind you, I really pride myself on being able to commit to something so I really felt as if I let myself down. When I took this route of abstaining from sex, I took it seriously but not like super seriously, it was basically a surface layer thing. But that experience taught me just how much I value my commitment to celibacy. Now I don’t regret my experience at all!!! It had to happen and I’m so glad I was able to be so open and trusting with this person that I had known for years prior. It opened me up to parts of myself that I never got to experiment with before and it just brought so much clarity. But on one of my drives home that week, all of a sudden I was bursting out into tears. I was disappointed in myself for breaking this promise to myself, for letting lust take over me.

I had been telling myself that when I did get that moment of breaking my celibacy that it would be with someone I love and adore, there would be candles, flowers, lights, literally the whole thing! I had that all in mind yet I let lust take over me just because my body was craving affection after not having had it for so long. I was completely sad that I didn’t get the romance which is what I had wanted. After that, it made me look at celibacy in a completely different light. I was starting to look at it more seriously and putting real meaning behind it. I guess it just further proved to me that I am certainly in fact, a one-human woman lol.

I never wanted to admit that to myself because lol I just enjoy doing the opposite of what I am told and what I see. Monogamy is what we are presented as children so I wanted to do just the complete opposite. The experience helped me figure out what I truly want, without the influence of others. I let others influence me for so long in so many of my sexual encounters with men because no one taught me that women deserve just as much pleasure as the man does. Young girls are taught that our needs aren’t important, that our desires are evil and sinful. We’re taught that orgasms are supposed to be rare and that not having one is normal. We are taught to make sure the man is pleasured the entire time and that we get nothing in return. But f*ck that!

In the Jewish tradition, the word ‘to know’ in Hebrew, it’s ladat, ‘to know’ somebody. It also means ‘sex’ which is wonderful, because the word ‘sex’ means ‘to know’ each other. It means to take the time to listen and to talk to each other.

— Dr. Ruth Westheimer

Women deserve pleasure! We are literal ethereal goddesses who deserve all the good in the world. We literally create human life!!!! And you’re trying to tell me that MEN are superior?! Anyways back to my main point, I basically just freaking learned that it is totally not silly to wait for the one and orgasms are not rare. Make the women cum! I should put that on a shirt lol. I learned that I actually really do value my celibacy and people need to respect that because it isn’t a silly thing. I’m not going to give my body to just anyone! I also just really learned that monogamy is my thing because I don’t want any outside energies in my partnership.

I’m simply really into the idea of sacred sexuality. Sex is more than a mere encounter. It is the sharing of souls, letting one dance with the other. It’s a connection of the minds, letting the bodies follow. I want sex with my divine partner to completely take me into another dimension! I want to get lost in our magic. Celibacy taught me the difference between lust and sacred sexual attraction. Sex is something nuclear, something cosmic. I truly believe that when you share your energy with someone that you are letting everything about them inside you. They carry energy from past partnerships, stress, and just overall their everyday lives. Hence why you want to be picky about who you have sex with. And why you also want to make sure your energy is balanced, protected, and vibrating at a high frequency because you want to be the best partner that you can be.

I should say that it truly has been a journey with sacred sexuality. This isn’t the first time that I’ve gotten into it. I remember being 18 walking in SF and I was talking to one of my best friends, Johnny, on the phone about my usual boy problems that every 18-year-old has lol. Johnny was explaining to me how sex is really the sharing of energies and how I really should be mindful of who I share my energy with. I listened to him but then of course, as any teenager would, I gave in to lust. Which I now realize actually led me to losing who I was. I was having sex just to get my socks off, to prove to myself that I really am some hot little thing who has power over her body and that I could have sex with whomever I so please! Society teaches you that it’s just super cool to have sex with a bunch of people and while it is, it is also just as cool to be celibate. In my encounter with men, I found myself conforming to what they were looking for because I was so fearful of being alone. If they wanted to see multiple people, to be monogamous, to be a friend-with-benefits, to be a situationship, or whatever, I would conform because I was scared of losing them and I just so badly wanted to have sex so I didn’t care what way I was getting it. Lust made me lose my voice so I either never told them what I wanted or I just let them tell me what they wanted and I did that.

I wasn’t forced into anything I didn’t want but that’s my exact point! I never took the time to figure out what I wanted because no one taught me that was a thing! I was also just so weak to lust that I cared more about having sex than who I was actually having sex with. It actually does make me a little sad knowing I was silent for so long. I didn’t really start using my voice until people starting asking me if I wanted to join their little situations they had going on. Honestly, that’s one thing that really does irk me lol and I’m not quite sure why it bothers me so damn much. Lol jk, I know. It’s because I would be in these non-committed relationships with a person who was seeing multiple people and me conforming to what they wanted, I was upset that they were seeing people who weren’t me. I was bothered by their advances because I was bothered with MYSELF for not speaking up for what I wanted all because I was so scared of being alone.

So here I am, embracing the idea of sacred sexuality because it makes me feel so damn good! I am choosing to be celibate until I find the one that I will be marrying. Lol, I sound so old! To be fair, I’m not waiting until marriage but I am waiting until I meet the one. And how will I know he’s the one? Just as the great Whitney Houston once sang, “How Will I Know?” well I’ll just know, my intuition will tell me. It’s just a feeling that your soul gives you when you finally unite with your divine counterpart. I know the one is out there for me and I am willing to wait for that person. I am so sure of his existence that I, of course, made a playlist titled “Divine Love” filled with all the loveliest songs that bring the most calming feeling when I think of my future counterpart! Here’s the playlist:

Lust may be strong but my commitment to myself and my future partner is so much stronger. I don’t want to waste my time having these lustful experiences knowing that it won’t go anywhere because I know I won’t be marrying them! Omg, I just remembered the song “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye which further proves my point that mindless sex should be a thing of the past because sex is so powerful and transformative as it can be so damn healing to both parties involved. Oh yeah, I should mention that I never wanted to embrace the idea of monogamy because I thought that if I did, that I would be losing out on my true love. How silly that is! Because I now know that if someone isn’t into what I’m into then they just aren’t for me. But there is that one person out there who completely aligns with who I am, my beliefs, my frequency, and all that fun stuff! And how beautiful that will be to share such magical healing moments with that divine partner.

In short, I just want my magical moment to be like a freaking Teddy Pendergrass song!!! Specifically the song “Close The Door.” That song has truly healed me. Here’s my playlist for that one night that I am so patiently waiting for. I’m manifesting my divine partner and our magic moments with this playlist:

Here are three videos I found helpful in my journey with celibacy and sexuality that I believe will be very informative for you all to watch to educate yourselves on both topics if you so please.

5 Things to Wait On:

1. The person who sees you for you… and loves you regardless
2. The one who sees value in what you value
3. Purpose, not in fear
4. The one who makes you a priority
5. The one who meets your standards

To sum up the video above:

• Short-term sacrifice for long term relationship
• The wait is: powerful, focused, disciplined
• I DO NOT NEED ANYBODY THINKING ABOUT ME WITHOUT ACTION
• Find someone to heal with
• Baby, you know what, it’s cool if you don’t value the same things I don’t value. We’re just not going to make it. You are not the one for me
• I’m happy that you thought about me but without follow-through, we are not going to make it
• Do not subscribe to fear. Rely on your faith of the universe and trust the unknown
• the thing about standards, they are your OWN. Be picky with your energy and who you allow into your life
• You can have whatever preferences you want, fuck what people say about them
• The wait does not disappoint
• Hope against all hope
• run the race & keep the faith

To sum up the video above:

• Orgasms shouldn’t be rare
• Men need to GTFO of the conversation of women’s sexuality (IMO)
• We need to end female mutilation. Clits are not deformities
• Medical ignorance of the female body continues
• we need more cliteracy
• we didn’t get the full 3D map of the clit until 2009, AFTER mapping the entire human genome
• society belittles sex
• sex is more than just an act
• sex is a relationship with our senses
• it’s about slowing down, listening to the body, coming into the present moment
• whole health and well-being
• SACRED
• Understanding your body is crucial to sex education and consent
• learn what you like
• define pleasure and satisfaction on your own terms
• sex is part of our whole well-being!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• What is sex to me?
• Why don’t we teach people how to masturbate?

if you cant understand your body, why give that power to someone else?

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My message to you all: Embrace your sexuality. Take the shame out of it! How can you be shameful of something so beautiful that literally creates LIFE? Embrace your desires and needs. Unlock your cage. Remember, your sexuality is sacred and should be treated as such. Mindless sex is poison to your energy, so be mindful and do understand that sex is a magical thing where two people come together to gain a better understanding of each other. Develop a strong sexual bond with yourself first before sharing that bond with someone else. Also – let’s STOP OVERSEXUALIZING THE FEMALE BODY. I am so damn TIRED on men commenting on my body, my breasts. Celibacy gave me my power back and further instilling in me that we as a society need to work together on overcoming our previous thoughts of sexuality that were instilled in us. Let’s change our ways for the better and create a beautiful foundation for kids to walk on.

And to those interested in celibacy, I highly recommend it as nothing negative can come from it. Celibacy gave me the gift of being alone. Learn who you are first before getting involved with someone else. You do have power over your lust. You are in control and you are worthy of validating yourself. Plus, what’s really so bad about masturbating until finding a partner who truly values you for YOU and who is also a high vibrating person? Consider celibacy if you are looking to connect to your sexuality. I promise you will discover some beautiful parts of yourself that you wouldn’t have been able to before. You will find meaningful ways to fulfill yourself rather than having mindless sex. Your self-worth and self-love WILL skyrocket!!

ALSO, celibacy proved to me that you can in fact be a sexual sensual woman while still abstaining from sex. You don’t need sex to be in touch with your sexuality!

XoXo,

Alexis Mariah