Blog Posts

Being “Strong”

Currently playing: Think by Aretha Franklin ❤️

*this was written at like 1:30am and I didn’t have the brain capacity to correct the errors in this so please ignore them until I do fix them lol*

I’ve been reflecting on the word “strong” lately, learning what it means to me. I’ve discovered that it means so much to me. For me being strong involves being available for myself, putting myself first, and to not bend backwards for anyone. To be strong means having to make sacrifices, and some of those may even include cutting people out of your life that no longer serve you.

God I can’t believe I spent so much of my short amount of time on this Earth just trying to make myself fit into other peoples lives. I deserve so much more than that. It’s taken me some time to gain perspective on my past behaviors (which are pretty recent) but I gain a bit more each day. I am just very happy to say that I am so completely over and done with trying to show people that I can fit into their daily lives. Like lmaooo, why would I even do that? I just now accept that someone who is truly meant to be in my life will have me in their life without having me to ask. *Go Ms. Alexis, embrace your worth!*

I haven’t cried in awhile. But this cry really hurts you know. I guess it’s the child in me that tries to minimize herself in hopes that maybe that will be enough for people to realize that I’m worth having around. But god I am so tired of proving myself to people, putting on a whole PowerPoint presentation on why I should be the one. I don’t need that. I choose myself. And that’s what it means to be strong. Choosing yourself even when the whole world is looking elsewhere.

I’m a vibrant 22 year old Latinx woman that is most definitely a force to be reckoned with.

I’m reading this book, “My Good Friend the Rattlesnake: Stories of Loss, Truth, and Transformation” by Don Jose Ruiz and in the book, Ruiz discusses how we should put a picture of ourselves on our ofrendas and pray to ourselves. It comes from the idea of not having to go outside of yourself for answers. We have all the answers within us since we are the source. So I put a picture of me when I was 9 years old. It’s a different type of feeling praying to a portrait of your child self but in a very marvelous way. I feel more empowered, determined, and inspired.

I am very thankful for all that I have done for myself. Cutting people out from my life isn’t easy for me at all but it’s something I do for my sanity. I find that I must end things with people over a conversation (or a message via online because I have social anxiety baby) and then block them just to keep them from contacting me. It might seem extreme and I understand that some people don’t understand the idea of “blocking” in this day and age. But to me, it’s a form of cutting energetic chords with someone, to clear the energy and untangle the web of connection. It feels good knowing that I am able to protect my energy as best as I can. Plus I truly believe that if someone is meant to be in my life, they’ll make it known very clearly. It frees me to know that I am able to gently nudge someone from out of my life. It just takes sooooo much of my energy to have people in my life and I’m picky about how I exert that energy. But I’m no longer apologizing for my need to protect myself and my energy.

Lmao I just feel SOOOO silly. I feel silly because I put myself completely out there to get all the healing that I can and in the end, I’m just left cleaning up the wounds myself. No complaints though. It makes me sad but I’m also like welp, that’s just the way it is and I chose this life so I know this has to happen for a reason. We aren’t given anything that we can’t handle so here I am, handling it.

Idk. I wanted this post to be cohesive as to best express my feeling of empowerment, but I also feel just as sad as I do strong. I’m bouncing between feeling like the most bad ass warrior and just a girl who needs a freaking hug. I guess I’ve put myself in these situations of having to self soothe because I relied on others to soothe my wounds for me before. I did that mostly because it was more exciting and thrilling having other people involved in my sea of emotions but also because well, it just felt comfortable. But with the time that I have been gracefully given to explore my soul, I’ve learned that it can be just as captivating to embrace one’s craziness to the fullest without needing an audience. Plus, it’s a little funnier when you row into the sea of your own emotions only to find a hurt child in the middle of the storm going on.

Lol I feel like when I look back at this I’m going to be so mad at myself for not editing this right away but I’m forcing myself to let go of the idea that something has to be “perfect.” I’m being disciplined with myself by exposing myself to things that would usually drive me crazy if I didn’t attend to them right away.

Anyways, I’m kinda sad but also not so sad because if I survived all that I have been through before, I can get through this as well. It’s just difficult having emotions that blend with your personality. Like ewwww seee now I want to cry because a part of my brain is saying, “see Alexis, you’re so fucking broken. You can’t even keep your emotions together to write a coherent blog post. You shouldn’t even try. Just stop.” I just want to give myself the space I give others to be themselves. One day I’ll get to the root of my need to be so hard on myself. It’s really exhausting! 🙁

2:03am Lmao see now my brain kicked in reminding me that I’m a ball of fucking sunshine and rainbows who creates somethings out of nothings. A powerful Queen. And I get to look beautiful while doing this life thing

XoXo,

Lexx 🫀🧠

P.S. I’ve been reflecting on the million times that I was supposed to die. I’ve survived bomb threats at my schools and work places lmao (it’s funny now but it was extremely scary in the moment). The car accidents I have been in where I was the only one who walked away with no bruises or pain whereas others in the accident were pretty messed up for a couple of weeks. The time my best friend and I almost got kidnapped in Las Vegas because people don’t respect when women say no. Or that time just the other day when this car was so close to hitting me that all I could do was just accept my death lmaoooo. Idk, my brushes with death truly remind me how protected I am and how much my ancestors truly want me to see my life journey through. It’s pretty powerful, knowing that one’s life is guided. I’m just like damn, I really should have been dead so long ago!!!! That’s crazy. I laugh it off because I only know that I’m alive due to the grace of a higher power. That’s wild. I really test my fucking limits to the extreme lolololol. My ancestors must be so annoyed of my ass but hey, at least I’m keeping them on their toes in the after life 😌 It’s the least I can do.

P.p.s. I also had a dream that I was with a partner (I wonder who because like hellllo, I’m here lmao) and they introduced me as their girlfriend to their family. Eh I know sounds so bleh and typical of this life but in the dream- it was just so beautiful because I didn’t have to ask. I didn’t have to bring it up in conversation. My partner had the confidence, the energy, the fucking determination to announce their position in my life. Ugh, it was just so attractive. It’s a rare quality to find in someone who is upfront about their wants and personal desire to be in a relationship with you. I just know that all my dreams and manifestations come true sooooo watch out world, in some x amount of nonexistent time, I’ll be having the most balanced healthy relationship that I have been looking for. That’s so freaking sick. I really love open communication between two people who want nothing but deep honest feelings to be conveyed, it’s a real turn on for me lolol, not gonna lie!

Yo on a more personal note, I have a recurrent dream where my parents are together (like a in a relationship). It’s not even a dream, it’s a whole nightmare. I wake up from those nightmares feeling soooo fucking incredibly happy that I am in my current life. Because I’m 10000% positive there’s a world where my parents never separated. Which makes me sad because in that world, my mom is wrapped around my dads narcissistic tendencies leading my mom and I to not having a relationship at all. Which is crazy because in my current life, my mom and I really fucking close. Mind you, it wasn’t like this at alllll. It’s taken us years of therapy, arguing, talking, and listening to get to where we are now. A whole lot of understanding that we are both just humans. Anyway, this nightmare just reminds me that my mom did the right thing years ago by leaving my dad and taking me with her (not that my dad fought for me lol) and I did the right thing last year by cutting my dad off :’) Cheers to being strong Latinx women!

To think this time last year, I had many entanglements just because I was looking to keep myself busy. But now I’m just busy doing whatever it is that makes me truly happy and fulfilled.