Blog Posts

Bro, I Might Be A Mess

Hey Siri, can you play “Take A Chance On Me” by ABBA

** I feel like I have to put a note on this because this piece was going one way and my brain just flopped on me but I still want to share it, as is. I am currently going under the process of being a human so thank you for being so patient with me 🙂 **

AHHH, isn’t it so crazy how Pepper is so photogenic? And she freaking poses for the pictures too. She really is my dog :’) I can only imagine what my human kids will be like. Much cooler versions of me and my partner for sure.

You know what’s crazy, that I am actively doing things to change the wiring in my brain, like I can actually feel the changes that I implemented a year ago coming into play now. I’m doing all the positive ~lifestyle~ changes that doctors and spiritual leaders say to improve one’s life and soul yet I still feel like I’m not doing enough. How silly is that? I’m really trying to get to the core of this thing that is in me that always feels like she is never good enough. I literally have so much anxiety over my own life because I feel as if I am not doing all that I can be doing. And what is it that I could be doing? I don’t know! So I have no conscious clue as to why I am so damn hard on myself. I feel as if it’s just not enough, that I’m inhibited by this human vessel. It’s this whole mental ordeal.

I guess all that I am trying to do with my life is to help others like me who were so lost and just looking for some type of completeness. I want to help others find that fulfillment within themselves just as I have because it is such a beautiful feeling and it completely changes one’s life for the better.

You ever get your period and just feel like you’re dying? It’s so wild to me that even despite knowing all that my body will go through with the whole child birthing thing that I still want kids. It’s crazier for me to even say that with so much confidence because I really didn’t want kids before. But then I got over my fear of being a bad mom and really thought about what I want out of this lifetime. I think for a long time I denied wanting a family of my own just because it sounded so corny to me. But it only sounded corny to me because I just couldn’t imagine that families, in general, can be healthy and loving. I thought every family was like mine (my immediate family) where we can’t even say “I love you” to each other or hug each other! I had to learn how to be affectionate with friends and partners. But I don’t want that for my kids. We always go outside of ourselves and our families looking for wholeness when it’s right in front of us the entire time!

Omg not only was I scared to admit that I actually want a family, but I was scared to admit that I want commitment. Partly because that involves me having to have discipline in my love life and not letting my lust get the best of me as it has in the past, too many times but hey, I was having fun.

Lol, it also makes me laugh knowing that there are people are out there who have opinions about MY life.

Maybe one day I will find something better to say instead of saying “that’s so interesting” all the time.

Honestly, this sort of just turned from a mini ramble to me just sharing some pictures. I’ve been sunbathing when I can, trying to keep my color brown as ever and the depression away.