Death, it is such a taboo thing to talk about, isn’t it? But why must it be so taboo if it is something that we can’t avoid? We know it is going to happen so why can’t we embrace it? Why must it be so scary?

 I grew up in a Mexican household that celebrates Dia De Los Muertos, the day of the dead. We don’t go all out and we don’t really do an altar every year but it was just something we did and talked about. I loved decorating sugar skulls and creating altars with my schools though. From the things I did with my family to what I did with my schools, it all gave me the comfort of being able to have a belief system to lean on that allowed me to approach the difficult subject of death a little more differently than others. Death, an inevitable part of life, should be in fact something we celebrate. 

Our family members don’t go away forever. The two days of celebrations are days dedicated to our deceased loved ones. They’re always with us and during Dia De Los Muertos, our loved one’s spirits come back to our world and celebrate with us. I like to keep a little ofrenda (an altar of offerings) in my room all year round for my family members (and my pets) that are no longer here with us. In the picture that I attached of my ofrenda, you can see all the little things that I’ve added to it over time. I believe that whatever you put on your ofrenda, they get to enjoy it in the afterlife too so I also added a perfume bottle, palo santo (good energy!), and a 40oz bottle of rosé because the dead deserve to have some fun in the afterlife too. I’m not a religious person at all, but I like to talk to them once in a while and just ask for them to watch over me and make sure I’m staying on my life path.

One of my favorite altar creations was one that I made with my best friend, Solangel. We created an altar for her dad who passed away when she was a child. We put together some of his favorite things like candy, dried mango, beer, and a picture of him in the store he owned in Nicaragua. It is a way for her to always keep his memory alive and have him by her side at all times.

Despite having a close relationship with the concept of death, it is still something that I struggle with emotionally every day. I’m split between crying for days because I miss my loved ones that have passed away and also simply just trying to remind myself to be happy for them that their souls are finally at peace. It’s a never-ending battle between one’s emotions and beliefs, but they coincide just well. Even though my family and I celebrate Dia De Los Muertos and openly talk about our wishes for when we pass, death is still a difficult subject for us to talk about. Which rightfully so, the death of a family member never gets any easier to deal with, no matter how many times you’ve gone through it. And yeah we know we’re going to die but why bring up such a morbid topic at a dinner table? But honestly, just speaking a morbid truth at the dinner table for me is one way for me to come to reality with death. I talk to my family and friends about what I want to be done with my body after I pass. I want people to get used to this discussion so, with due time, they’ll feel more open to such discussions and it won’t be something that they shy away from.

A pretty common feeling/thought I had when I was a child when someone passed away was, “well x person just died. I want to cry but I don’t want my family seeing me cry because they’re also crying, but they also feel what I feel. What happens now? Do we all hug? How do we just drive back home in silence?” It’s just overall a pretty difficult thing to work around in general. I don’t really remember my parents sitting me down and explaining to me what happened either. I suppose what can be more difficult is that as an adult with children, somehow trying to figure out a way to your put feelings aside for a second and taking the time to sit down with your kids and have an honest discussion about death, and the feelings that can arise from it. Maybe you don’t even have to put your feelings aside, maybe it would be beneficial for both child and parent, to show your kids that their parent/hero, have feelings too and that it is okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. I don’t think I ever really needed my parents to sit me down for a talk, I just needed someone to show me that it was okay to cry in front of others! That crying isn’t for the weak, but for those that are strong enough to face their emotions head-on and not shy away from any of it.

I find it is pretty common in the Latinx community that the act and discussion of feelings are something that we shy away from more often than not. My hypothesis is that because it is such a very vulnerable thing to open up about and that we as Latinx’s like to be “strong” and not let people know that we are, human, that we simply choose to suppress our feelings and emotions. I’ll talk more about this in-depth in my next post, but for now, I want to just focus on the feelings that are connected to family deaths. 

It is interesting when you take a step back and look at the Latinx community, a lot of our songs are about losing a loved one. For example, “Si No Te Hubieras Ido” by Marco Antonio Solis, “Amor Eterno” by Rocio Durcal, and “Las Golondrinas” that different mariachis play, are all popular songs that are known throughout our culture that we sing so beautifully from our hearts. We suppress our feelings, yet let them come out in songs, but hey, maybe that is us unknowingly giving ourselves some sort of therapy. We teach our kids that not acknowledging your feelings is normal, but honestly, that sets the children up for emotional failure. It is an avoidance problem that we’re instilling in our children that was passed down through generations and generations.

But this generational avoidance problem doesn’t have to continue. We can stop it in its tracks and create a new normal for generations to come. We can educate ourselves and others around us, and provide our children with the correct emotional tools they need to advance in life. It will promote social interaction and create emotional attachments amongst other things. It would beneficial to all generations that we help close the gap between us and focus on our emotional and mental health. It is crucial for us to not repeat our damaged emotional history for us to move forward and be able to destigmatize mental health in our community. And that my dears, will be talked about in my next post 🙂

“We must be impatient for change. Let us remember that our voice is a precious gift and we must use it.”

– Claudia Flores, Associate Clinical Professor of Law, Director, International, Human Rights Clinic

Pictured above: Solangel’s ofrenda for her dad

You see, death is no stranger to my family and I, so I would like to take the end of this post to share the names of my passed loved ones with you because they all have their part in making me the womxn that I am today:

• My Tia Alma: I, of course, don’t remember her because I was a year old when she passed away from thyroid cancer. But we always had pictures of her hanging around our house and we never once stopped talking about her.
• My paternal grandpa, Bito: I don’t have that many memories of him, but I do remember that my parents would always take me to his car shop to say hi. He passed away at the age of 72 in June of 2009.
• My cousin Junior: He was my best friend. He had down syndrome but I believe that’s what made him just so amazing. He lost his battle with cancer in December of 2009. I was about 9 years old but I remember everything: the night we got the call, seeing him in the hospital bed, going to the wake and funeral. It gives me knots just thinking about it. If anyone had the purest kindest soul, it was him.
• My Aunty Mima, who had been battling a rare genetic colon cancer for years, had lost her fight in April of 2012. I still can’t write, talk, or even think about it without bursting out into tears. I can’t even put my feelings into words. I have a tattoo of her signature that she signed on the last birthday card that she ever gave me.
• My Aunt’s dad, Michael: I wasn’t really close to him at all seeing as he’s the dad of my uncle’s wife. But I would always see him at family parties and well, that’s my aunt’s dad so he was family at the end of the day. 
• A family friend, Fernando: He was like another brother to me as he grew up right next door to my grandma’s house in the Mission and was best friends with my sister. He passed away in June 2016. I would always see him around the Mission while growing up and he would always give me the most brotherly hugs ever. It was comforting.
• My cousin Nico: Now this one, this one affects me differently. My cousin and I were born just a few weeks apart, so we grew up together. He was murdered on September 19, 2016. I still remember the text I got from my mom when I was in class and how my stats professor just held me while I cried. I struggle with survivor’s guilt every day. It is just so odd to be alive while someone that was the same age as me is, to put it frankly, buried and in a grave. I just can’t grasp that at all. I hope you all take the time to read this article: https://www.ktvu.com/news/family-fights-for-justice-in-richmond-teens-slaying-just-blocks-from-his-home
• My high school yearbook teacher, Ms. Nickels: If you know Ms. Nickels from Lowell, then you know exactly how special of a human she was. One of my greatest regrets was not getting a chance to talk to her before her sudden death. I hope, and try to believe, that she is always looking down on me and watching me complete my accomplishments. I like to play the Bee Gees, Earth, Wind, and Fire, and Fleetwood Mac in her memory every day. She had a great taste in music and perfumes (she wore Flowerbomb by Victor and Rolf and we would always laugh that we wore the same perfume every day, that has to be some type of connection, right?)! Thank you for always believing in me Nickels, I love and miss you.
• My pets: I grew up with pets my whole life. In my grandmas’ house, family member’s houses, my house! I won’t write about each of them because we would be here for days but I’d like to mention their names because they’re my family. Minkus, Bella, Austin, Chloe, Zelda. I miss you guys every day!