Blog Posts

Depressed Bipolar Mami

Just here to show my not-so-glamorous side in hopes that well, it helps others feel not so alone. I don’t feel like writing right now so I’m keeping this short. I’ve finally stopped crying but all I want to do is soothe my inner child with Disney movies. Cheers to being alive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlJ7SAQg7XI

Here are some notes from today:

March 13, 2021

11:31a Rapid cycling in my episodes 

Ugh. I just feel so ashamed for relapsing. I really thought I had it all together 🙁

1:06p it’s just more of a thought process like wtf do I have to do to find my freaking normal

I feel like people see me as someone who has it all together – but that’s why I share my life on my blog – it’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to try and be okay. Trying to show myself that I’m worthy of living no matter what 

I just feel like it’s never going to get better and that I’ll always be at the mercy of my disorder 

I just want to sleep but I can’t seem to turn my brain off

3:22p idk how to give myself a break :/

5:14p that nap was nice but my head slightly hurts 

It scared me to see my grandma feeling sick yesterday. I felt like a little girl again, helpless and at the mercy of the cycle of life. What happened to me yesterday is exactly what happens to me every time I get worried about my grandma, just a full blown depressive episode triggered by stress. I had a mental breakdown in the car and for once, I described my feelings to my mom as the suicidal thoughts came rolling in. I felt like little Alexis not having control of herself. Yesterday was a really difficult day and that is why I feel sad. I feel ashamed for not being the perfect Alexis, I just want people to be proud of me and not worry. But yesterday was a cause for worry and it scared me. 

It scares me when I am in a depressive episode because I worry that I’ll be stuck there for years. I worry that I haven’t changed. 

Then I’m like what else do I have to show for my bipolar disorder besides my writing? 

6:48p right now I feel lowkey normal, just haunted by the sadness. 

Depressed Bipolar Mami.

11:02p I am really thankful that my mom stayed home with me today. It felt nice to manage my episode with my mom supporting me by making sure I ate. We’ve come a long way. Warrior women runs in my lineage.