I had a really big aha moment the other day. I was talking to a friend who really gave me some perspective on the type of thoughts that I was feeding myself. I tell myself pretty negative things such as, “Oh people are just lying to me and telling me what I want to hear. They tell everyone this. They just want to get in my pants.” But there are two parts of me that do that, my ego and my mental illness. The lines get blurry sometimes and they both take over. It didn’t hit me until the other day that I realized that the parts in me that are so negative aren’t me! My ego and mental illness are in me but they aren’t actually who I am ya know. The real me is someone who feeds herself nothing but positivity, love, and kindness. I am not someone who tells herself negative things that do nothing but make her sad, that’s my ego and mental illness talking to me, the evil monster in me. When I took a step back to give myself perspective, I noticed that it is completely possible to separate myself from that monster inside me contrary to what I thought before. I used to think that I was the person who said these nasty things to myself but no! And how refreshing that was to realize! It felt like a breath of fresh air. I could breathe for the first time knowing that I am not a monster, I just so happen to have a monster inside me. The monster really makes a point to inhibit me from living my everyday life. Somedays, I can’t even get out of bed because all I want to do is die. With the help of medication, therapy, and support, I am able to manage those really bad days much better. Now the Alexis that I am without the monster can have more days to shine!

So here I am in all my glory. The Alexis that I am when I can separate myself from my ego and mental illness. I am kind, generous, helping. I am someone who loves to learn new things and share her knowledge in order to educate others and the generations after them. I am someone who believes in her future and in all of my wildest dreams. I love to be adventurous and have new experiences with the people I care about. I love being someone people can depend on! I am SO resilient! I’m compassionate and empathetic. I am a freaking bad a** honestly! Now that I am able to know who I am without my monster. I can really trust and believe in myself which I couldn’t do before because that monster only told me how worthless I am.

It’s difficult to separate ego and mental illness from oneself but what I’m learning is that it can be done. I wish I could tell you that both could go away forever but I honestly have no idea about the ego one. I can for sure tell you that mental illnesses don’t go away. It can be managed but it’s always going to be there. Think of managing it as the remission time. You might not be experiencing any symptoms but that’s because you found what works best in managing your illness. And unfortunately, a relapse of symptoms can happen whenever. It’s important to be able to take the right steps to realize when you’re symptoms are starting to come back out and work towards not letting the effects of those symptoms affect you so much. It is difficult and it is time-consuming. You’ll probably get tired of always trying to manage your symptoms but it’s worth it. But also be patient and kind to yourself when your symptoms do come back. We aren’t perfect but perfect doesn’t exist. We can be proud of ourselves for at least trying our best to live our life! Not many people can do what we do: heal ourselves. So be proud of how far you have come! Because I am proud of you.

One thing I would like to mention that has really been on my mind lately is the saying, “you are not your mental illness.” It’s something I am told pretty often and I know people mean well and others might appreciate it but for some, like me, it comes off almost condescending. What comes to thought when someone tells me that saying: you don’t think I know I’m not my mental illness? This might sound like I’m contradicting my revelation that was mentioned but hmm this is the best way to explain it. I simply believe that it’s a saying that should be used more lightly, especially if you are someone who doesn’t have a mental illness. For those of us that do have a mental illness, it’s really difficult to constantly hear the saying while already knowing the truth of it. I know my mental illness doesn’t define who I am BUT it is a part of me. Unfortunately, I can never get rid of this monster. It’s stuck in there. And as many good days that I will have, I am bound to have bad days as well. Which is okay! Because I now have the tools to manage the reoccurrence of that monster. I know I am not my bipolar disorder but news flash, it affects who I am every day. I’ve come to terms with having a mental illness. It is difficult to deal with and it is separate from who I am, but it is also a big chunk of me. Almost like a birthmark. It’s not who I am, but it’s on me. I can try hiding it as best as I can, but at the end of the day, it is still there. So I hope the next time you use the saying “you are not your mental illness,” that you word it just a bit differently or think of saying something else because your point might not be coming off as helpful as you think. Thank you for being mindful of your words! 🙂

Food for thought, Redefining Remission in Mental Health: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/redefining-remission-in-mental-health-0424131