I am sad that I am sad. I’m sad that I feel things so freaking deeply. People with bipolar disorder deal with emotional extremes on a daily basis. Think of us as martial artists right. They have a set of skills to kill someone with a set of moves. They have to learn how to control it and be responsible when they’re in the general public. When they are in a conflict, they can’t use those moves because they’re a lethal weapon. That is what it’s like for someone who has bipolar disorder in the sense of our emotional extremes, how we react to a situation. We have to exercise control.

But controlling those emotions can be so exhausting. I really have to practice not going overboard with my words so I don’t hurt people. I have to control my emotions for myself so I don’t end up doing something I’ll regret. I’m just tired of it right now. On my good days, having control feels quite powerful. But on my bad days, like today, I feel so weak for having emotions be such a big thing in my life. I know it’s just a part of me but damn, sometimes I wish it wasn’t so difficult. That it didn’t weigh on me so heavily to balance my emotions.

Right now, I’m watching a video about emotions for people with bipolar disorder. Professor Sheri Johnson Ph.D. from UC Berkeley talks about the things people with bipolar disorder deal with. I attached the video below if you are curious about what she talks about. It’s very informative and straightforward.

I’ve decided to take a little break from social media because my mental health was really being affected by how f*cked up the world is. I’m now taking the time to understand myself a little better. Because that’s all anyone can ever do, understand the origin of our actions and emotions to get a grip on our life.

I’m also just going to spend the rest of today crying and attempting to gain perspective on the lessons that life throws at me. Joyous times baby!