Now playing: “Universe” by Ambar Lucid

Alexis (adj): Delusionally hopeful, always horny (excited), and feels everything so deeply. Super confident in being connected to the other side/realm to the point one may feel crazy at times

Ways in which I trust myself:

• When I am hopeful about the current moment and future
• When I am less open to unwanted suggestion
• When I want to live my life to the fullest
• When I listen to my body
• When I allow myself to relax and not clean, LOL.
• When I allow people into my life who deserve me and are genuine authentic people

Ways in which I hurt myself:

• Second guessing myself/ not trusting myself
• Not trusting the good feelings I have
• My inner voice telling me how I’m doing everything wrong
• Letting go of my daily routine that is a big factor in keeping me mentally stable
• When I tell myself I’m not doing enough
• Putting too much on my plate when I don’t even have enough spoons
• Not allowing myself to relax or breathe
• The people-pleasing tendencies that get me into not-so-good situations
• When I tell myself that my world is ending and that I shouldn’t even try to show up
• When I allow my nightmares to throw me off balance

I am officially trusting the process. For so long, I was ‘faking it’ until I made it. I’m no longer faking it. But I am embodying all I have ever wished for myself. And I’m having fun doing it. Eeek!!! Even though my decisions may seem crazy, wild, and stupid to others. I’ve made it this far by pretending to trust myself. And where I’m at now is pretty damn good.

There are moments in which I feel as if my ancestors are giving me a slap on the wrist for my mistakes. Like when I was a freshman in college and thought I was super slick about sneaking a boy into my house! Or when I’m feeling impatient and a bit desperate for immediate changes. Timing can feel so tricky at times. Like when you’re running late to work and encounter all of the world’s slowest drivers. Time can also feel nonexistent at times. When I’m driving with my favorite person listening to music while holding their hand to my cheek, it’s complete bliss!

I’m evolving. I find myself at a loss for words. I want to use new words to describe my new experiences. So I’m going to use animals to help me.

The hummingbird in me likes to do things at warped speed. The ladybug side reminds me that I am the embodiment of good luck. The scarlet macaw in me mates for life. The sweet jirafa that I carry with me in my heart reminds me that I am safe, loved, and taken care of.

This feeling that I’ve become more attuned to is a maternal instinct! Sheeeesh! Who would’ve thought that I would experience such a human thing?! When I don’t listen to my instinct, life is that much harder. I lose trust in myself and make decisions from a place of fear. By denying my wants and aspirations (artist, best friend, incredible wife, cool mom/tia, educator, doctor, farmer), I unknowingly was doubting my gift. Sometimes I feel ~crazy~ when this instinct informs me of something that I can’t visually see with my own two eyes.

At the core of all this, getting to know my real self is pretty fucking cool! I share my light and love with those around me. I love feeding people. I love inspiring others to be their best selves. I love being able to care for people in ways that they have not been cared for before. I enjoy sprinkling my Alexis magic just like a dandelion was born to do. I’m freaking assertive! I know how to be direct and transparent. I embrace the unknown even when I’m scared. I dive into new things with a smile on my face. And when I fall and crash into the clouds, I will feel all the feels and laugh the pain away.

XoXo,

Alexis Mariah Gutierrez (Lexxtastic)