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Finding Peace of Mind: Thank You, Maya

Hiya fam! I realize I have been in a manic episode for some time now. Thankfully this episode hasn’t been as intense as before when I was unmedicated. Yooo, being this honest with myself is really strange. I feel that I have the tendency to sort of turn a blind eye to my symptoms as to pretend that I have everything under control, and I do, to a certain extent. But that control doesn’t help minimize the extreme discomfort that mania can bring on. On my mental health journey, I’ve been trying out different ways to carry out this excess of energy into more healthy ways of coping. So my latest thing to try is expressing myself via a variety of mediums. I got some pastels recently that I’m going to experiment with on canvas. I’ve also been really into tye-dye!

I’m not sure how to write this into one coherent piece so I apologize if I’m jumping over the place, it just makes sense to my brain right now. Anywhoo, one thing I wanted to discuss was the fact that my sex drive skyrockets when I’m manic, which can be almost intolerable as I would say my baseline is already higher than the average human. I don’t think this high sex drive would be an issue if I were seeing a consistent partner, but seeing as that I am single and taking my time to connect with people, this intolerable drive is almost a nuisance. I hesitate to even use that adjective because I am a person who is really connected to her sexuality. And the unfortunate thing about that is that it can be taken advantage of further making me feel as if I have to constantly protect myself because others aren’t caring enough to be respectful of others.

Anyways, my brain isn’t really in the mood to let my thoughts from my head streamline down to my fingers down to this keyboard. But I am capable of typing out something I have written previously. And that something is the speech I wrote for my best friend’s celebration of life. I was so nervous because I just wanted to make my BFF and her family proud. I know I did just that, with some laughs in between too!

This is the journal entry of that speech which I had written the morning of because writing such a thing for such an occasion does not come easy. It was my first time speaking at a funeral, wild.

February 2, 2022

1:29a Why am I hesitating to write this speech? Ehh. I’m scared to fail and let people down. But that’s just the “Jerry (rightfully named after my father)” inside me who is a cornball. I guess it’s also the anticipatory anxiety. I just feel the responsibility and want to make your family proud.

“Kindness: Honesty. Warmth. Forgiveness. Contact. Sense of belonging. Trust. Mindfulness. Empathy. Humility. Patience. Generosity. Respect. Flexibility. Memory. Loyalty. Gratitude. Service. Joy. Love.

If you are kind… you sleep/wake easily, have pleasant dreams, Deras (celestial beings) + animals will love/protect you, radiant face, and serene mind. Reborn in happy realms.” – I forget the book which I quoted this from, oopsie.

Maya Giselle Bonner. Mi Hermana. My BFF. My Soul Sister.

Hi. I would first like to invite everyone to place a hand over their heart. Take the moment to feel your chest rise and fall as you take a deep breath.

I met my sweet soul sister at Lowell High School when we were either 14 or 15 years old. I wish I could tell you all how exactly we met but of course, our two brain cells couldn’t ever come together to remember how our story began. But that’s okay because what truly matters in a healthy relationship is the quality of time spent together.

Maya and I spent a lot of time talking about our dreams, our pains, our mental health, and all that we love in life. Many know Maya as a social butterfly, but she also had a bit of shyness to her that one could only notice if they were attuned to her radiating energy. I am tremendously overjoyed that I get to call this magical spiritual woman my best friend, my sister. I am grateful that we both always took every opportunity to express appreciation and gratitude for one another.

Miss Maya is a soul that you come across once in a lifetime. I have no idea what I did to be blessed by her presence in my lifetime but I thank our ancestors for helping our paths intertwine. When you enter Maya’s life, you are also entering her wonderful family. And wow, it’s refreshing to know that there are genuinely loving and caring souls on this planet! Maya and her lovely mother, Momma Renee, opened up their home to me and held the space for me to experience life with them. Both of our moms always knew that we were safe and well-fed at each other’s homes. And that makes me so happy when I reflect on that fact! Dang, it’s not every day that you meet someone you can be your genuine smiley self around, wounded inner child and all. It’s not every day you can nurture a deeply connected and honest relationship with someone. It can be difficult because you are faced with having to see yourself in the mirror and challenge your rocky perception of life.

I would not be this highly evolved version of myself if Maya had not been in my life. It is because of her that I have the strength to overcome my self-doubt. I’ve always been a storm, but Maya was both the sun that kissed my skin and the calm ground that helped me walk my path with confidence. In this life that is filled with cornballs who don’t know what dust looks like in the sunlight, [I thank you Maya oh so very much for being a constant in my life].

We always talked about how we wanted to make the world a kinder place so that people wouldn’t suffer the way we have. It is quite difficult for me to not be angry that you were snatched from this dimension. But I know that you, my loving sister, would not want your loved ones to let their hearts sit in a low vibration. And knowing that is what makes me cry tears of joy because your love for others transcends across dimensions.

You are incredibly powerful Maya and I thank you endlessly for helping me have faith in the world and spirit. I can never thank you enough. I can never say “I love you” enough. And I will never stop telling you how much I love and cherish you. I will make our dreams come true. Now I can’t do it by myself but thankfully your besties love coming together to make magic happen.

My kids will know about their Tia Maya and how she would always tease their mom just like a true sister would. I would tease her right back by surpassing my “once-a-year-hug limit” and completely embrace her. There was never any shame in allowing our inner children to play with each other. Yes, it was corny because we are tough strong women to the world but when with each other, we always let our personal guards down. Every moment we spent together was filled with laughter, necessary tears of vulnerability, and compassion.

Maya, I treasure our many sleepovers and all the cuddles with your cat, Pumpernickel <3 Thank you for loving my fur baby as much as I do. I love that you would tell your students that the dog on the back of your phone is your niece 😉 Maya, I love that anytime we got together just us or with our other love bugs, we always had such an exhilarating time singing songs at the top of our lungs as I drove us to get food. I love that you were an early bird like me, but even more so. When you would wake up before me and you would clean the kitchen for my mom and make breakfast for everyone in the house. I never want to let go of the wholeness and tranquility you bring into my life. I dream of being able to hold your arm as we walk down 16th street on a sunny crisp morning after having had a sleepover full of delicious food and watching Bob’s Burgers or scary movies.

Today is a celebration of a remarkable soul, so alight. Look around at the love and beauty that is Maya Giselle Bonner that brought so many people together.

She is a free spirit but always stayed grounded in her roots. In this life, it is the choices that we make that make us who we are. And damn did she always make wise and well-thought-out choices.

I read in a book once that the virtues to be safe and happy are: Intelligence, Friendship, Strength, and Poetry. And Maya practiced all of those virtues and more.

Lastly, breathe. As long as you breathe, there is hope, and there is love, strength, and joy.

Maya Bonner, I love you. See you in another lifetime and thank you for the peace of mind. Hermanas para siempre. Sisters. <3