Not me freaking out because I have to balance my social life with family obligations. Its like having to choose one over the other but really, its just finding the balance to do both.

Me being super raw and honest because I can no longer hold in my emotions ~~

Okay honestly I guess what I’ve always had trouble with is finding a healthy balance between myself and my family. I’ve learned how important it is to not overextend yourself and how putting yourself doesn’t make you a bad person. But then if caring about myself is so important and crucial, why do I feel guilty about feeling so iffy about being there for my family right now? I don’t want to sound ungrateful for my family because I am beyond appreciative to have them in my life. But it gets difficult when you have to live your life because you’re so young while also being a caretaker to someone.

My great grandma is my best friend, she’s my rock. She just turned 90 this past April, an Aries Queen! She was able to live on her own up until last year after having two strokes. So now, two of my tias are her primary caretakers. My grandma needs someone with her 24/7 now. Unfortunately, one of my tias has a stroke and is currently in the hospital recovering. My other tia, she works everyday so she isn’t able to take care of my grandma on weekdays. So that’s where I come in! The unemployed 22 year old who is just trying to survive this pandemic. I have the time to take care of my grandma so here I am, taking care of her. And I am so glad I am able to spend this quality time with my grandma. I cherish every moment I have with her. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Being a caretaker is well, stressful. It’s a lot of responsibility and I give props to all the caretakers in the world!!!

But holy fuck am I stressing out about it all for what it seems to be like no reason. Now analyzing it, there is a reason I feel this way. It’s just the simple fact that I don’t want to put my life on hold for my family anymore. I know it must sound so terrible and selfish but that’s not my intention. It’s just facing the facts and emotions that do arise for those who are caretakers. I’ve been skipping school to care for my grandma since as long as I can freaking remember. She really is my world so it’s not that I mind much. It’s just me realizing now that I do want to live my life, I want to actively be a player in my life. But it gets difficult when you sort of have to pause your life for the greater good.

I know my life isn’t the only one on hold right now considering we’re in a pandemic but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I am struggling right now!

How am I supposed to not feel guilty about my feelings? I’m lucky to care for my grandma. But I’m also a young human who just wants to have time for herself and her pets. So how does one find a balance for that? And it’s also the fact that we live in a fucked up country that can’t provide for its people so here I am, further unemployed and not even having the time to even look for or have a job because I have so many family obligations.

AND I KNOWWW, I could sound so ungrateful and this and that but I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s okay to want to live your own life!!!! We shouldn’t have to feel so guilty about it. I’m just saying, the world needs freaking balance. I need balance. I also need to freaking cry.

Thank you for listening to my rant. At the end of the day, I’m grateful for my family and to still have my grandma here with us. I know the universe hands us tasks that we can deal with so this isn’t the end of the world. It just feels like it.