Finding The Missing Piece (Hint: It’s Me)

Hey Siri, play “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker

I had this recent revelation about myself which prompted me to write this. I unknowingly blocked this little lovebug I have in me from coming out for so long because the main example that I had of love had fallen apart. And we all know how the separation of my parents made me feel lol. That time period of my life was so difficult for me that I completely blocked it out from my memory. Until recently! I have this memory from right around the time period that my parents started fighting and little Alexis was being her creative self. The only outlet that I had was my writing. I got this bright idea to start writing an autobiography about my life because well, they were always my favorite genre of books and I just wanted to give myself a voice. But then all hell broke loose and I never got passed a few pages of writing because I was filled with so much sadness.

Sol brought it up once that I really did use to write a lot! I used to write all the time because I was happy. I feel my emotions sooo deeply, my only outlet is writing. The physical act of pen to paper or even just typing my emotions away, ugh, it’s the only thing that allows me to breathe! I’m an empath AND I suffer from bipolar 2 disorder, you can only imagine what level I can take my emotions to. Writing allows me to face my emotions, I get to process it all one piece at a time. But when my parents separated, I was hurt so deep that I just wanted to be numb, I didn’t want to feel anything. And eventually, I just stopped writing on October 12th of 2012.

I didn’t start writing until December of 2014, a whole two years, two months, and two days later. How wild is that! The first thing I wrote in my journal from that time was, “If you don’t capture that inspiration or idea immediately, it’s probably lost forever.” My first few pages are just of me ranting about my family and my frustration with everything. I cry looking back at these pages because all I was worried about was my family. I was too busy caring about everyone else’s feelings and how they were processing it that I never allowed myself to process wtf was going on. Little 16-year old Alexis really wrote “I’ll give you a hundred and a billion reasons why we don’t talk. But right now, at 9:46pm, I am in a semi-good mood and would much rather write about something else right now. Point is… we all need closure. We are all fucked up. Why?” Ugh. My poor teenage Alexis. She had no idea what life had in store for her!

I continued with my writing for a few months. I was really depressed at the time so all I wrote about were my intrusive thoughts and how impossible it was for me ever to silence my mind.

So many thoughts/

they’re racing by me/

I wish they’d wait for me to catch up.

I used to write down a lot of quotes too! I really like hearing what other people have to share. All of our individual experiences are so different yet so relatable. I wonder why that is. I started learning that I write for two occasions: when I am in love or when I am just simply falling apart.

I am unable to describe exactly what is the matter with me. Now and then there are horrible fits of anxiety, apparently without cause.
— Vincent Van Gogh

I just figured out why celebrating New Year’s Eve is such a difficult thing for me. I wrote about my whole night on 12/31/2014 lol. “It doesn’t even feel like NYE. Why? Is this what growing up feels like? Because these holidays haven’t felt like the holidays. I actually feel a little better putting pen to paper. But I’m beginning to go numb again.” Ugh my, Alexis! I just want to hug her when I read through my journal. My first journal entry of 2015 was pretty indicative of how the rest of my year would go, “Should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee?” Poets never tell you the reason for the pain or why it still lingers, but they show you how to wear it beautifully at all times.

My next entry was pretty interesting too, “Is our universe real? Is there life after death? Does god really exist? Is any of this real? And I think that is why I’m depressed. Because I have no answers to the questions that will never have answers. The not knowing scares me.” Little did I know that just 5 years later (today), I have all those answers. And I am no longer scared of the unknown. I didn’t write again until March of 2015 when of course, I found love. Now that’s a story for another century but I like the fact that when I am in love, my inspiration and creativity skyrocket. I really am a hopeless romantic and I take great pride in that. Love just does something to me where all I can do to properly express myself is through my art. Through my writing, pottery, photography, drawing, and whatever else makes my heart soar. It’s really quite beautiful. Everyone deserves to experience unconditional love.

First image: Some great words from my English teacher at the time. Melts my heart every time. She knew I would be a writer before I even knew it myself. Second Image: some quotes from one of my favorite authors Anaïs Nin.

The last time I wrote in this journal was in May 0f 2015. Fast forward to just a few days ago, 07/15/2020, I decided to reopen this painful journal and start writing the rest of my life story, my new beginning!

I am grateful everyday that I did not kill myself.

I read this whole journal with Sol and I cried. I am so glad I kept this journal for so long because I was able to look through it all and just bask in how far I have come in life. I discovered that the missing piece I was looking for all along was myself. I was the missing piece to living a happy fulfilling life. By following my dreams and passions, I am staying true to my highest self and that is all I ever need to do. Staying true to our highest selves is all anyone of us ever need to do. Lead with your heart! And you will never fail. You can never lose at the game of life if you are betting on yourself. So take all those chances and leaps of faith for yourself.

Remember, you are the master of your own destiny. You can turn every single one of your visions into reality. Be a true visionary every day. When you lead with love, all else will follow. No worries baby! Live in your bliss every day. This really is my last life on earth (I have no karmic debt, amazing. https://seventhlifepath.com/karmic-debt-number/ ) and I freaking plan on leaving Earth with a bang. So I will be damned if I do not follow my dreams! I’m ready to change this world so let’s do this. Yay 🙂

XoXo,

Alexis