Currently playing: Grow by Gloria Tells / Sigh by Chase Hughes and Michael Jaffe

I was in the middle of getting some notes done but my brain couldn’t really focus. I figured I might as well take these thoughts that are taking up space in my head and put them out into the world just to feel a little saner. You could say my writing process includes me putting on a playlist and letting the lyrics speak to me as to squeeze out those words that have been itching to be spoken.

• Ugh why am I crying now?!!? It’s interesting being a hopeless romantic in a world full of cynical beings who have just let their hurt overcome their will to freely express their deepest emotions. I get it though, I was that person. We all are that person in one way or another. But I just know it feels so damn good to keep the hope and love alive in my daily life. Once you give up on anything, whether it be love or a goal, you already lost. It’s easier to give up than to hope in what seems like a never-ending darkness. But I promise you, at that very end of that tunnel is everything you have ever dreamed of. Mind you, it’s never a destination or one certain goal that will be at the end of the tunnel. What will be at the end of the tunnel is you.
• I’ve been reflecting on my celibacy as of recently. I don’t see myself really ending it until I meet the one. Which I know sounds silly and I’m not necessarily keeping myself tied to someone, but geez, when I think about having sex with people, my initial reaction is like fuck yeah. But then I think and I’m just like dude, my peace isn’t worth messing up. Not to say a partner entering my life is messing shit up, I suppose I just don’t want to go down the route of dating a lineup that was similar to the last one. I settled so much for people who weren’t even on the same page as I was. I willingly conformed to what they wanted because I assumed that that is literally what you have to do for every partner. But geez, I honestly don’t want to be contorted anymore. I just want to stand by what I want and not feel guilty about what I am asking for. I am allowed to have certain wants. There’s also the fact that ugh, I just know that when my long-term partner enters my life, I’ll just know.
• I’m this whole sexual being who blossoms in and out of the bedroom. But god do I miss the physical and mental transformation that goes on between a partner and me. I can’t wrap my head around this conundrum. I know I’ll inevitably wait for the right person to open myself up to again because that’s just what feels right. It just doesn’t hurt to admit that I am having some feelings arise about my non-sexual activity. Like geez, more than anything I want to let my sexual goddess out but I seriously do not want to give that to just anyone. She is screaming to be let out and I have no idea how to silence her. Maybe I shouldn’t silence her, but let her out in a creative way. I just have no idea how to do that. It’s important to state that I do enjoy this little mental torture that I have put myself in. Why? Because well, there’s a pandemic so of course I’m not actively looking for people to have sex with but it’s just that when I see people that look delicious, my body wants to go on the prowl but ugh, then my brain chimes in and reminds me that what I am looking for can’t be given to me by just anyone. Honestly, this whole celibacy experience just proves to me how much self-control I truly have.
• Sometimes I do wonder what my partner will think if they were to ever read my blog posts. Would they think that I am a mess? That I am unable to control my emotions and that I’m a complete wreck? That I don’t know what I want in life? I remind myself that my person wouldn’t think those things. To be with me is to be with my many delightful facets. I’m not just a girl who likes to sit pretty. Granted, I do like putting on a show because well, people are going to look anyways so I might as well give them something to look at, that takes grace and confidence. Plus, I look so damn good soaking up knowledge from the world.
• There seems to be this disconnection between the youth and the non-youth. A disconnection between kids, teenagers, and adults. Why? And how do we minimize that disconnection? It plays out in everyone’s life, kids/teens don’t feel like adults understand them and the adults feel like the youth don’t understand them. But on the contrary, we do understand each other more than one would like to believe. This disconnection is driven by a lack of communication between both parties. How do we bring better communication skills to people? How do we get them to care?
• It’s just like geez, in life, there will always be things to worry about and all that shit, but whyyyyyy must we focus on just that? Why can’t we focus on the positive rather than putting our energy into focusing on all the what if’s?
• My textbook really said “men choose widely; women choose wisely!” lmaooooooo. Which makes me think, shouldn’t we bring evolutionary factors into consideration when choosing a partner? Well, we naturally do, men prefer women with signs of future fertility and women prefer men with loyal behavior and physical/social power and resources. But my thought process for this is more along the lines of, if we can understand how we function individually on an evolutionary level, wouldn’t that help in choosing a partner best suited for what we are looking for?
• I wish it was acceptable to mow one’s lawn in the middle of the night. It’s not my fault I have more energy at night. Plus I would just like to do some yard work without being stared at. I do love putting on a show but not when I’m doing stuff like mowing the grass or pulling weeds.
• See what I do miss about having a partner is just having someone who lets me nerd out and go off on my tangents. I tell my friends and family and they listen, but it’s different when you have someone who not only listens but adds to what one is saying. I guess I just need to learn how to nerd out on my blog without feeling embarrassed. But see that’s where I get shy about sharing my interest and knowledge in neural plasticity and genetics.
• You ever wonder if silence is the answer that you are supposed to get rather than the actual information you are looking for? But how does one accept silence as the final be all?
• Isn’t that so weird that I saw an ex in the most random place ever? Not only that but I felt nothing :’) No anxiety, no fear, no shyness. It just felt like a stranger seeing another stranger. It’s what I’ve been working on for so long. Idk why but I just wanted to get to a mental place where if I were ever run into an ex (the bay is just so damn small sometimes) that I would be strong enough to not freak out, but just continue on with my day. I drove away not feeling an ounce of anxiety!!! A new woman I am indeed.
• The previous point above reminds me of this dream I had the other week y’all!!!!!! (Lmao I was about to post this and almost forgot to come back to this point, oops) In my dream, I was having a graduation party. Family and friends were there, it was nice. I was walking around and my dream self had the audacity to not only invite my father and my ex’s to my party, but she even sat them all at the same table!!! This symbolized to me that wow, I did the right thing by leaving them in the past :’) and choosing me first!!! Back to the dream, I remember giving a speech and not only thanking everyone for attending but also thanking my ancestors and passed away loved ones for their guidance. And then I hear a voice asking if I miss them and if I wanted to hug them, then I woke up from the dream! It made me cry. It just gave me the reassurance I needed that I am most certainly on the right path. I have not only forgiven those who have hurt me but I also send them prayers and love because they’re humans just trying to figure shit out too. But eeeeek!!! My dream self really confirmed I’m getting my freaking degreeS, emphasis on the ‘s’.
• I have yet to find a plant-based shampoo that my scalp agrees with but this shampoo from Verb has proven to be exceptional so maybe I can bend a bit just for this product
• It is an everyday struggle learning to not hate myself for being a human with a world full of single-use items. I just don’t get why I make it so hard on myself to be alive geez.
• It just makes me cry that soooooooooo many people still use products that are tested on animals. It’s completely frustrating the world we have created
• I wonder where my shyness comes from and what it gets triggered by. I want to master the shyness.
• Does referring to my brain as “my brain” count as me disconnecting from myself? I don’t think so as the reference has assisted me in being able to better understand my many facets

Okay my brain has been juiced out and I’m done with my notes for the night so now I’m just going to watch “Enter The Void” and analyze it.

Xo,

Lexx (:

Fun fact: My dog’s official name is Pepper Flour. Pepper because of the character from Iron Man. Flour because it’s the word in “flourishing” and because it’s fun to explain that it’s flour like baking flour, not as in actual flowers. Shoutout to Miss Pepper Flour as she snores right next to me <3