Blog Posts

Getting a Hang At Life, Que Milagro!

Hey Siri, play “Someday” by Sugar Ray

The sight of stars makes me dream

— Vincent Van Gogh

Sol and I took a bunch of food to the homeless encampment on University Ave. and they were so grateful! A man told us that “charity is the greatest form of love.” And I felt that in my freaking core. I love that my best friend and I share the same values and that we are both warriors for justice, lol. So we are working on some ways to provide the homeless with at least some basic necessities. Our dream is to build homes for the homeless where they can also get all the help they need, whether it be for healthcare, food, shelter, getting a job, or even therapy! They deserve it all. One day we will make it happen. Until then, we will be helping out in any way that we can especially since this “government” that we have has completely turned a blind eye to the homeless situation. It just really aggravates me that nothing is being done to help the homeless when all society does is spend endless amounts of money funding the armed forces. MIND YOU, the Pentagon funneled damn near $1,000,000,000 of taxpayer money that was meant for masks/medical equipment to defense contractors building jet engines and body armor. JET ENGINES AND BODY ARMOR. And then we wonder why the government says they can’t allocate money because they have sticks that have been in their asses for years and have no intention of removing them. Anyways, it’s always fuck the government. And I stand by that until the end of time.

I finished another journal! I started it on 06/20/2020 and finished it officially on 09/22/2020. My first journal was used from 12/05/19 – 6/19/2020. I find it pretty interesting that it took me 6 months to finish my first journal and 3 months to finish my second one, adding up to a whole 9 months of journaling my well-being journey. It just reminds me of Nikola Tesla’s Key to the Universe, the 3 6 9 Number Theory. I have learned so much these past 9 months. I really do not like the Alexis that I was a year ago. She was so sad, filled with so much unhealed trauma, and just so damn lost. I had no clear intention for my life. I was just doing what society told me to do. Ew, I just see old me like an empty vessel who mostly lived in her head thinking about how unhappy she is. But me now, ugh, I love her. She lives in the moment. She isn’t in her head as much because she found ways to cope with all the voices she had yelling at her. Sometimes it feels a little surreal that I’m not as sad as I used to be! I understand that my emotions lean towards more on the depressive side but I’ve learned to work with it instead of working around it. I’ve come to embrace all of who I am, even the parts of myself that I don’t really like it. I had to be honest with myself even when all I wanted to do was act like everything was fine.

You know the thing I really like about journaling is that you can have a physical reminder of the progress that you have made over time. Which is incredibly helpful when needing to remind yourself that you are worthy and are such a hard worker! I’m a little over critical of myself so my journals remind me to be kind and use nice words when talking to myself.

One thing that I have had to be honest to myself about was just the simple fact that it does scare me to be completely unveiled to my future partner. Well it used to scare me, now it’s just something I embrace because I know with the right person, it will just flow ever so naturally and I won’t feel the need to put any guards up. But it used to scare me because I didn’t want to be honest with myself that my basic level of emotions is much lower than the average person. It’s hard to describe. I’m happy but my emotions tend to hover at a low level. I put time and energy into bringing up the level so that I don’t have to work as hard to get there. Over time it has definitely risen thus making it easier to be happy. It’s becoming almost second nature so now my brain gets a break from that stress so that it can just bask in the positivity. I guess I always knew that for me to feel secure within a partner, I had to be secure within myself first. Which meant having to work on coming to a version of myself that I am proud to share with someone else. And this version of myself, I am completely adore so much.

Omg, I have also had to freaking come to terms that I realllllyyyy have to be honest with someone else which freaking means, opening up parts of myself that I hid for so long. I’m not even sure why I hid certain parts of myself anyways! Maybe I just knew deep down that none of the guys that I was dating were meant for me so my subconscious knew to keep things on the low. I also just like having parts of myself that only certain people know. It keeps things on a more personal level you know. Honestly, that makes so much sense now that I think about it. I have yet to really open up to a romantic partner and I think it’s just because well 1. trauma and 2. my higher self knew to not waste my time, lol. But it’s not like I’m not open to anyone. My best friends know who I am, even the parts I try to purposely hide yet come out from hiding eventually.

I have really become the queen of not worrying. Okay, maybe that’s me reaching a bit but I just like how worry-free I am becoming because wow, it has not been easy at allllll. It’s been one hell of a ride. I didn’t know if I would make it out alive but I did! And now it has just really become second nature to remind myself in moments of anxiety that everything is okay and everything will be okay. It’s just best to stop your worry in its tracks before it picks up some real speed that can cause some detrimental damage.

I love that I really am a simple woman, in my own ways, lol. I just know what I like and I’m clear about it, and that for me, is simple.

I am also a very complex woman. It takes many lifetimes to completely unravel me.

I wonder if the cravings and likes that our moms had with us when we were in the womb would be considered healing to your soul to do now as a grown adult. For example, my mom had a craving for smoothies and pineapple pizza. She also listened to Sublime a lot too. And what are the things that make me so incredibly happy to do? Drinking smoothies, eating pineapple pizza, and listening to Sublime. I feel so at peace when I have it all too. You could even say its a good pick me up!

The maternal instinct runs so deep in my blood. My great grandma has been taking care of kids since she was a kid. It wasn’t until she turned 85 that she finally stopped! I always wonder if she wanted a break and I’m sure she did, but it’s just the way her life worked out. Plus, when I talk to her about all the kids she’s taken care of, she speaks of it with so much love and joy. Every kid that she has cared for, whether it be her own or someone else’s, she always provided the utmost genuine love for. I’m sure that’s where my grandma, mom, and I got our nurturing abilities from. I’ve been baby sitting since I was 9! I literally have dreams of my future kids, lol. Just something I really look forward to but I am also so very patient and not rushing at all because it really does take a village to raise a kid. All I know is, being a mom is a dream of mine. I always talk to my friends about it. Maybe because my mom did a great job of raising me and I know I can provide the same for my kids too. I’m going to be such a cool mom, a MILF if you will :’)

Life is so interesting. I really love my life. Which was the whole point of my well-being journey. To just get to a point in my life where I no longer want to kill myself. And I freaking reached that point and I can’t ever imagine going back. And now, I am learning to just really enjoy life for all the ups and downs, for the bruises and hugs. Plus, I’ve already made it this far, I might as well see my life out you know. Let’s see what happens! It should be interesting.

Anyways, I guess I’m pretty bad ass and I really can say that with so much confidence. It’s so bad ass to pick yourself back up from the lowest of lows and to turn out better than you ever expected simply because you persevered.

XoXo,

Alexis