My grandma and I have been spending our days watching marathons of Blue Bloods and eating our little hearts out. What I’ve been enjoying about our time together is that because I have to cook my grandma’s meals, now I’m regularly cooking for myself as well!! Which has been a massive improvement compared to how I used to treat my body which was by starving it and only fueling myself with coffee and air lol. I used to be so tired all the time too but I noticed I no longer dread my days. Don’t get me wrong I don’t deny myself my daily naps, that’s just something that helps me recharge my brain. 

Mind you, my brain has been a little extra frazzled lately. But I talked to the universe about my feelings and I got to the bottom of some of my fears and worries. It really isn’t that easy reprogramming your mind into a more positive one! It takes daily work and sometimes you don’t even want to freaking try. All I can tell you is that it becomes second nature eventually, but we’re also human so it’s okay to have your “bad” days. Or well okay, I’m also learning to not label things good or bad, they’re just simply experiences to learn from. And that seems to be pretty effective in helping me not throw myself a pity party anytime something doesn’t go my way. 

My days consist of being knowledgeable about myself, mindful if you will. I’m not sure if it’s called living in the moment or just being overly analytical but I find myself pointing things out. Like the fact that I basically live out of my freaking traveling bags because I’m always staying somewhere. I really used to think I was a homebody (and I am) but I didn’t realize how much of my time I spend not at home. I think that just goes to show me why exactly I love my home/room so much, it’s my freaking sanctuary! It’s where I go to be selfish and be in my own bubble. It’s where I can literally disappear and do anything that pleases me. I thought I was a person who struggles sleeping in other beds but lol no I don’t! I guess it just depends on if I’m comfortable or not, but more often than not, I am definitely comfortable. I used to think that I was someone who was so nervous and that people could tell that my energy was off but no! I’m actually always smiling and people always tell me how healing my energy is to be around. 🥺 

The reason I am pointing these things out is that I’m super realizing how hard I am on myself! I honestly think so much is wrong with me when quite frankly, I’m just freaking fine!!! It’s so lame to say but like y’all, I really do give myself the hardest damn time. I’m working on it though. My friends are great people and always provided me the affirmations I need. They remind me that I’m literally being the best version of myself and that’s all I ever need to do! 

I suppose my fear of not doing things perfectly stems from a fear of failure. I didn’t realize that was a core issue for me but really, my fear of failure stops me from doing a lot of things! More so that they stop me from being myself 100% just because I want to succeed at being me. And I have to remind myself, as long as I’m staying true to myself, that’s literally freaking succeeding at life! Just because there are all these people stressing and overworking themselves just to get by, doesn’t mean that I’m failing because I’m not doing what they’re doing. My own life, my own path type of thing basically. I just struggle with letting go of my fear of failure because all I ever freaking aspire to do is succeed for myself, my family, the generations behind me, the freaking world. Maybe it’s an empath thing because I just want the freaking world to be peaceful. 

Ugh, I don’t know. I just see so much wrong in the world and I have so many solutions. But well, I can’t change the world but I can change myself and share my knowledge with others. 

Anyways, I’m off to binge Insecure (Issa Rae is amazing in everything she does) and just survive this pandemic.

Mucho amor!