Currently playing: Lento by Julieta Venegas

Thankful for the days that I get to spend time with my BFF. It is always a blessing to be in their presence. I’m really lucky to have people in my life who I feel so completely myself around. My bratty self gets a little impatient about being single but I check myself real quick and remind myself that I am surrounded by so much love and abundance. It’s funny how life works; just this morning (around 2am) I decided to clear some junk from my heart and then later on in the day during class, we were going over love and relationships. Dr. A made a good point that right now is a prime time to enjoy being single and not rushing into a relationship. I appreciated the perspective she gave the class. I could easily fuck around and have my fun if I really wanted to be dating but that’s just not what appeals to me anymore. It didn’t really appeal to me in the beginning but it gave me the years of experience that I needed. Now, it’s really just about me sticking to my desires and not backing down from them just to entertain a soul that doesn’t want the same things that I do. I can’t even be mad at the souls I’ve entertained because they gave me what they could but it just didn’t align with what I wanted. I believed that you had to compromise your entire self for any soul coming into your life but ugh!!! You really don’t fucking have to compromise at allllll! If I could go back in time and just shake young Alexis so she could realize that no one from her lineup was for her. God, it’s just like where did I freaking learn that the idea that I had to convince people that I’m worth keeping in their life? Like ugh no! I don’t need to convince anyone that I have sustenance. If they can’t see that for themselves then that is totally on them!

It’s like that thing of being frustrated (?) with your past self for having compromised your integrity just for the sakes of having a body to have sex with. I’m gagging lol. I can’t even or odd right now. This all just really has me thinking so here I go, analyzing myself to understand where my conditionings and ideas come from.

I also feel so much better having been able to really acknowledge my tiny broken heart of letting the past go. Maybe I won’t get the closure I was seeking but that’s okay. I can give myself all the answers that I am looking for. Because I’ll be fucking damned if my healing gets stuck on a hangnail.

Anyway, cheers to beautiful rainy days in SF!

XoXo,

Lexx <3

P.s. I’ve been having so many nice encounters lately and it’s been pretty nice. Daily reminders that I have so many blessings around me. Don’t forget to thank your essential workers for getting up and working in a pandemic!