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Happy (late) 1 Year Anniversary!

Currently playing: Silly by Deniece Williams

Hi Blog. Sorry, I’ve been MIA, life has been doing its thing. Ugh. How do I even say I’m having writer’s block when it’s actually happening? Should I not be forcing myself to write? Do I let myself free write for an extended amount of time? I don’t even know what I’m exactly trying to write. Happy one-year anniversary (April) to my blog!!! I can’t believe it’s been one year since I started my baby. Thank you to all those who take the time to read my words. It surprises me that people want to hear from me and actually like what I have to say, who knew! I look forward to seeing where my blog takes me :’) Thank you all for the kind words and unconditional support. It truly means the world to me to know that people like what I have to offer.

Some questions I have been asking myself lately:

If I don’t have standards for myself, who will?
How do you know when you are in love with yourself?
What does it look like to love myself unconditionally?
Why am I so hard on myself? I am literally stepping on my own neck.
What would happen if I saw magic within myself?
Why am I scared to embrace my strength and power?
Why not give myself the benefit of the doubt that things will work out for me?
Do you think you’re born with a mental illness? Is it latent until triggered? Nonexistent until factors come together to create a mental illness?

It’s just like holy fuck. When I tell you that grasping reality is difficult for me, I truly f’ing mean it. It’s the root to my depression honestly. It’s incredibly difficult to accept the fact that my soul chose to live this life, for all its mistakes and miracles. When I close my eyes and sit with my essence, I feel an ocean within my chest. So why can’t that be enough for me to want to stick around to see my life through? Is it the mental illness that makes living difficult? Would I still be struggling with some type of emptiness if I was mentally stable? I’m opening up some door within myself that I’m not entirely sure will be pain-free but I know will definitely be a breath of fresh air.

I just feel torn between so many worlds. But I guess the bright side is that there’s a reason my blog is about finding the balance. Maybe I’m on to something.

Omg so I have been having sleep paralysis lately and I have no idea what tf that shit is about. It’s been going on for about a month now. Stress? Probably.

It’s just been really hitting me lately that I dated all my exes for a reason and it’s clear as day how they all mirror me. I just don’t like that their insecurities reflect my own. I got annoyed with them because I was actually annoyed with myself (because they’re a mirror). I know it’s bad to say but with some of them, I would just dissociate when they would open up to me emotionally. I was in a whole different dimension while they were being vulnerable. Due in part to that being how my family reacted when I was emotionally vulnerable, as well as it just truly being a trauma response. With my most recent encounters, it’s reflected in me that I do want and need some more time to be single so that I may heal myself. I’m making my stance known rather than waiting for someone to ask me. I don’t necessarily like what’s being reflected because it just shows me that I still have some deep insecurities that I have yet to even acknowledge.

It’s also the simple fact that I will be just a mere 23 years old in June (the 18th, save the date!) and god, I am just not ready to give up the fun of the prowl tbh. Despite the depression and social anxiety going on, I still wake up every day just wondering what great souls I will meet. A part of me of wakes up so overjoyed to get my day started just because I have high hopes of interacting with creative souls like myself. I’m single as a pringle and I love the freedom that comes with it. Maybe it’s because I spent so many years of my life dating people and rather than just letting myself enjoy my youth. Fun fact: a couple months ago marks my one year of being officially single and string-free! I guess it’s a change of perspective because I thought by this time around I would be “ready” for a relationship and I am, but I just don’t want one. I love that I am saying this with such confidence because this wasn’t the case a couple of weeks ago.

Food for thought:

Oh yeah! I started using a diva cup. It took me a cycle and a half to get the hang of it but I got it down!

A couple days later… I am eating an apple while trying to finish this essay that I low key procrastinated, oops. But it’s okay, I just have these two last essays to finish and then I get to focus on my finals! I know I can do this (as I keep telling myself as motivation).

It’s teacher appreciation week! I am literally living my childhood dream of being an educator and I finally get to celebrate this week?! I feel pretty darn cool (I have the biggest smile on my face right now).

It’s been like two weeks since I stopped taking the anti-depressant (Wellbutrin) and it’s been interesting. The nightmares have stopped, but my dreams are still kinda weird. I’m not on the verge of a manic episode but my moods have been on the low side. I’m learning that there’s some psychological work that I have to implement because the medication itself isn’t enough to be able to manage the severity of my symptoms. BUT every day has been getting a little easier. I didn’t realize that I do a lot of self-care which means I love myself more than I thought. It’s the fog of society that really had me thinking that I didn’t value myself. But I truly freaking do. I’m so freaking badass but it’s been hard for me to see it myself.

Ugh, you ever have to end it with someone because they have a partner and you just want to be ethical and not be involved in any cheating, because same. First-world problems bro. It just sucks when you see the potential in someone but they themselves can’t even see the value of their existence. So here I am, being ethical and stepping away from any and all entanglements as to have clear energy for the right people in my life. I just don’t like the feeling of things ending. I don’t like not talking to people, it really irks me to stop speaking to someone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll do it because I care about my mental health and it’s for the best because the other party is not valuing me for all that I am so I have no choice but to step away to not exhaust my energy. If I’m going to give someone the time of the day, they must be able to do the same for me because I am not some afterthought. It just sucks when you can’t even be friends from afar because they can’t even be a good friend in the first place! Slightly frustrated with being a human. I could easily ignore my ethics but I tried that and well, here I am, having stuck to my ethics even though I would really like to not listen to them. Maybe that’s me just trying to have too much fun, but honoring the girl code feels better in my heart.

I also might be a little impatient. I know I should probably just be focusing on myself and all that I have planned, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that my inner sexual goddess wants to be released every single day. But here I am, choosing to not be reckless even though I really would like to. I’m just having this dilemma but I know I can’t be the only one who wants to have new experiences, but is finding it difficult exuding patience for the right people. It’s not that new experiences aren’t available, I just don’t like the current people that accompany the new experiences. Watch none of this make sense and I just look like a fool for rambling. Anyway, I guess this is where I practice patience and not act like a brat just because I’m single without a lineup. And I knowwww I shouldn’t even say “line up” but it’s just my ego that is coming out, my bad.

I’ve been distracting my reckless tendencies with yoga. But I so badly want to just well, say fuck it to a lot of things. But I have to care about my mental health first because I’m a delicate flower lmaooooo.

I’m 90% done with one essay. I’ve been sigh’ing the entire time. UGH.

Not going to lie, I was butthurt when someone called out my brattiness as if it’s one of the worst qualities to have. All I know is I am human and I do have quite a few flaws. I understand I can be a bit too much for some people but good, I’m not for everyone. Plus I feel as if my communication skills counteracts the brattiness because now I am able to use my freaking words! Also, I’m young, I still have sooo much time to be a better version of myself. But right now, I just want to be me, with all my flaws! Is that bad to say? It’s just me learning to step away from my perfectionism…

I feel so good right now. Pepper and I got back from our walk a bit ago. I had the best shower of my life. I’ve been implementing kindness as a reaction to things rather than from an anxiety induced perspective. It’s been a mindful practice to say the least. Not me crying because I feel happiness in my freaking veins. I’ve dedicated so much time to healing myself and I can feel the effort paying off. I’ve laid down such a strong foundation for myself and now that I have a little perspective on all that I have built for myself, I can now bask in my greatness. I used to feel so guilty about being happy for myself. Leaving the sadness behind felt unsafe and unsettling. It felt like a dishonor to my trauma to leave the bitterness behind, as if I were saying that the trauma didn’t actually exist.

OKAYYYY. It’s Thursday now. Pepper and I are outside sunbathing (one of our favorite activities). I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. My moods are still a wild rollercoaster, the ziprasidone (anti-psychotic) doesn’t seem to be super effective. There were two options: stop the ziprasidone and start something new, or keep the ziprasidone and add a mood stabilizer. I chose to continue the ziprasidone and add a new stabilizer. It just seemed like a better transition rather than stopping the ziprsidone and switching to something new. Adding a mood stabilizer seems like the best idea because I still have no clear baseline of emotions, they are still ever so erratic. It makes me sad not having a clear baseline or any sort of brief period of mood stability. So here I am, a couple hours away from my first Lithium dose! The thing with Lithium is, you have to start it at half its dosage (300mg) for the first 5 days then switch to taking the full dosage (600mg), and then get some blood drawn to make sure your blood levels are at a certain level in order for the Lithium to take effect (therapeutic range). You’re required to do these blood tests to avoid lithium toxicity, further explained in the video below. I’m getting my blood drawn next Saturday (lithium, thyroid function, and basic metabolic panel), how exciting that this is my life. But who am I to complain about having healthcare! Omg a downside is that I can’t take NSAIDS (advil) anymore because they can increase lithium levels.

Not me crying. It’s just a lot to take in. It’s not an easy decision to take prescription pills but I’ve tried so many different things that I feel like the best choice for me right now is to continue this prescription journey.

It’s Friday now. I have a slight headache and I’m sad that I can’t take advil right now. I’m going to finish this up. I just wanted to give a little life update. I’m alive. I’m happy but still experiencing mood instability. I’m managing 🙂 I hope to write on my blog more often, I just needed some time to get my life together. Now that I can take a breath of fresh air, the writers block is gone 🙂

XoXo,

Alexis Mariah <3

Some photos: