Local Bipolar Girl In A Pandemic
Hey Siri, play “Let Me Fly” by DMX
Omg hiii! this is me trying to write and get over this little weird writers block? Is it even a block or is it me trying to have discipline about me writing? I’ve been doing great at journaling every day but there was this part of my brain that kept thinking about wanting to write on the blog.
I took Anita Baker to her first car service the other day. It was a much more pleasant experience at the Lexus dealership rather than when I would have to take my previous car to Honda. I truly appreciated not having any unnecessary car services pushed on me. I don’t enjoy being treated as if I don’t know my car. Which I don’t know much but that’s why I have uncles, lol.
You know it always amazes me every time I go out in public and so happen to have some skin showing that people really have a tendency to just lock eyes of my chest. It used to bother me but now I’m just thankful to even have a beautiful vessel for people to enjoy looking at. It has been a challenge for me to step out of my shyness and into my confidence but embracing the stares has proven to have been a step forward to a more joyful Alexis.
Hmm, I guess I can say I would not have thought that I would be here! Alive and actually committing to myself. I’m learning to enjoy having a daily life. Honestly, I have never really been excited about being a human but unfortunately, when I was a mere soul without a vessel, I chose this human experience for some freaking reason. Lol, when I was a kid, I would always tell my parents that I didn’t ask to be born. I was a whole brat but nonetheless, just really struggling to grasp the idea that I really am a whole ass human that is self-aware. I think I may be a little too self-aware for my own good because it honestly drives me a little insane. I overanalyze and overthink everything. It’s fucking exhausting. But I’m working on it. I’ve gotten better at letting go of control and just trusting the unknown.
I have been diving deep into self-exploration though. I assume there’s a difference between self-exploration and self-analyzation? One thing I have been asking myself is why I am so damn different than my siblings? I respect them and love them but our beliefs and the way we function are just completely in two different lanes. Neither is good or bad, I just simply love and enjoy my freedom. I also really enjoy self-improvement and really into learning. Maybe it’s because I was raised by a single mom since I was 14? Is it because I am so much younger than they are? Is it because I have a mental illness? I don’t know! I am so different yet I share so many similar qualities, hmm. Maybe it’s just because psychology is just well, my thing. Nonetheless, I don’t imagine it concerning a certain topic or situation I have been in, I just think I am wired differently.
Something in me clicked or it’s always been aware that I don’t wish to follow the same steps that my family has taken. I like comfortability but I also enjoy staying true to myself more than anything else. The whole cycle of life thing has been on my mind as of late. I’ve experienced sooo many deaths and the most recent one being this past November when my cat, Odessa, passed away after 18 years of being my bestest friend in the entire world. That’s so crazy. I cry about it every day but it was also just a harsh truth of reality that no amount of love can save any one of us from dying. It’s inevitable and you would be insane to try and fight the hands of fate. I guess I’ve been embracing this whole truth because I no longer see a point in ignoring the truth or completely dismissing the whole beauty of it. Duality in life is what allows us to be grateful for all of the good and the bad, the birth and death of beings. The topic of death has been one of my interests for a long time, possibly because it ties into my Mexican roots and our connection to the afterlife. But my ancestors speak to me and are always reminding me that life is too short to not speak my truth.
I believe that I closed myself off from intimacy, like true digging into the depths of soul intimacy, for so long because I am just so scared of losing people. Not just losing people figuratively, but losing people to the cycle of life. I’m this whole vessel of unconditional love and nurturing energy, it completely crushes me to have a loved one pass away. And I know I’m not the only one who struggles with loss, it’s a tremendously difficult thing to go through but we all experience it in one way or another. Like damn isn’t that crazy, no amount of love or protection can save any of us from dying? So wild. I understand why parents find it so difficult to watch their children grow up. This world is so scary and so unpredictable. There are so many variables at play for us to even try and save our loved ones. It would drive one insane and completely mad to even attempt such an impossible thing. It really freaking sucks to love someone so much, to share all these amazing experiences all for it to simply be a memory until the souls involved move on and then it just becomes, idk, simply a feeling in the universe?
On a personal note, ugh the researcher in me just wishes to have access to getting brain scans to document my whole freaking journey on a whole other level. Lol okay I know MRI machines are expensive but since I can’t scan my brain as of now, I’m just going to put it out into the universe that I hope to be on that type of level where I can do scans of my children’s brains and document their brain development. Ugh, how amazing would that be?! I get so excited just thinking about it, lol. I just really love the brain and the whole connection to human development and all the factors that are at play with these very odd human vessels. We’re literally just self-aware ego having creatures. How weird!!!
Continuing the topic of my interest and fascination with my brain, it really dawned on me recently that my action of journaling on a daily basis is simply and quite amazingly documentation of my self-development and my whole experience as a human. My journals from the beginning of my journey to a little bit after the age of 25 (2023), those are journals documenting my pre-frontal cortex (PFC) development. How sick is that! My little PFC is developing and there’s no rushing it. With due time comes my ability to have increased self-control, better ability to solve problems, and make plans and decisions.
With what I have learned about the PFC journey of development and my knowledge of my level of self-awareness, it makes sense that as I have gotten older, I am less dare devilish. I feel as if I don’t just jump the gun on things anymore. Now there’s also the belief that young humans that experience challenging stimuli may mature quicker. And that’s the category I believe I fall into. See but there’s also the spiritual side of me that understands that we are just souls in human vessels so age really isn’t an important factor in our lives. I say my soul is old, I’ve experienced so many freaking lifetimes that my soul has been through some things and has carried that knowledge to this current lifetime of mine. I look back at past decisions I have made and honestly I don’t regret any of them. I truly knew what I was doing in every situation. But just as any teenager who’s PFC isn’t fully developed, that’s where my impulse and simply throwing the consequences out the window comes in. Ugh, I just wish the psychology world incorporated more spirituality but I suppose that is what my personal journey includes. To be that bridge of connection that I have been desiring for lifetimes.
Omg, I also have this thing called ~bipolar disorder~ which is that extra twist in my life that adds a little pazazz to this journey. Just the whole story of my life, the brain development of people who have been colonized for generations. It’s just fucked up that black and brown people, especially inner-city humans like myself, are basically born and set up to fail by this society that runs on power, control, and greed. I don’t believe my disorder came out of nowhere. I believe it’s a result of the accumulation of trauma that my lineage has endured since colonization first began. Souls never forget what their bodies had felt when they were alive. so you can only imagine the type of energy that is passed down through our DNA. It gives me so many answers to why black and brown families suffer from fuck, idk, life. It’s just like dude before we were colonized, we were just vibing being connected to the universe, Gaia, and our culture. Then colonizers arrived because they were unhappy with their homes so they decided to invade other people’s homes, tell the natives that their way of life is wrong, then the white man takes it for himself in hopes of obtaining power, money, and control. I just don’t understand why one would go through with the whole thing of invading other people’s homes. And the fact that it literally happens in every lifetime, bro, it’s exhausting. Sorry not sorry, I just feel a certain type of way about colonization.
It upsets me that I have to go through the white man to learn about my culture. I have to cling onto the lasting threads of my bloodline just to feel some type of sanity. It’s just crazy how my people are born into poverty. That’s so wild to me. It breaks my heart and is a topic that really hurts me on a deep level. But I also understand that everything had to happen the way it had to happen and that it is our responsibility as fellow souls to be that uplifting energy for each other. Like geez, we all know how difficult it is to be a human, so why must we make life more difficult for each other? And that’s where the act of self-reflection comes in. To find that strength within our egotistical selves and shine light on those dark parts of ourselves, to allow our inner child a chance to actually be involved in the creation of our life.
Geez, hey brain.
Honesty moment: I suffer from extreme paranoia. I didn’t really understand it at first but since I am learning to let go of my need for control which aka means letting go of my anxiety. I had to be really honest with myself about my thoughts. And they aren’t freaking pretty sometimes. I do my best to stay positive but in my act of burying my thoughts instead of understanding them, I’m pretty sure it created this monster of paranoia. I tried to act as if nothing was going on which was obviously just me ignoring the issue at hand, my need for control. And that runs deep so it makes sense to me why it has been an issue for me to acknowledge in the first place. I also believe there might be other factors that contribute to my paranoia but I have yet to discover those. Maybe it’s just from the bipolar disorder, who knows!
Listed as a manic-depressive with extreme paranoia
Hey dog, I got something for ya
Hear my name, feel my pain
DMX, “Fuckin’ wit’ D”
Isn’t that crazy, I used to be really scared of myself because I didn’t understand what was going on in my brain. I used to never want kids because I was so scared of passing on my monsters to them. It frightened me to think about being like my dad or just being a terrible parent in general. But!!!! Now that I have some type of idea about what exactly is going on in this magnificent brain of mine, I so believe that I am going to be such a freaking amazing mom! One of my inspirations for all my work in self-development is my future lineage that will one day be in the 3D. I want to be the most balanced being that I can be for my partner, our kids and their kids so that their human experiences may be healthier and better than my beginning.
Until that day of having those beautiful kids of mine, I shall enjoy being a dog mom :’) I’ll always be a pet mom. Imagine, I’ll have a ranch one day and just be saving and rehabilitating all the animals that I can.
My family and I were able to re-home a lovely pup that a family could no longer care for. His name was Gandalf for the days that he was with. Fun fact: growing up, I had 3 dogs, 2 cats, fish, and birds in my homes. Imagine one day I’ll have the space and capability to care for exotic animals. Or maybe just farm animals. Or all the above. Like I said before, I just want to give as many animals the best life as I can š
XoXo,
Alexis Mariah
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1 week
Tagged bell hooks, john welwood, journey of the heart, love, the path of conscious love