Blog Posts

I Am Tired: Finding Strength in Vulnerability

Currently playing: “Universe” by Ambar Lucid. Shoutout to my dear sweet friend Jaida who showed me this song :’)

**I’m prefacing this blog post to say that it is definitely not like my other blog posts. I suppose this is more of a free flow release. I’ve been at home with Flu A, barely getting some energy back**

Emotional Awareness

Nov. 28, ’21 journal entry:
Allowing yourself to feel the emotions is great!! Letting your emotions build up can lead to an eruption. But it’s important to have it erupt in a way that you and others feel safe and in a way that you can handle. Feel, identify, and use your words. 
Emotions can overflow if you don’t release them 

The Weight of Leadership

I am tired of being a leader all the time. It feels burdensome to navigate my social circles while grappling with the nagging feeling of unworthiness. As the youngest in the room, I often find myself teaching lessons to those older than me, breaking unhealthy patterns, and patiently guiding conversations. While I believe in leading by example, I wonder when it will be my opportunity to simply relax and just be. The pressure to take on this role constantly leaves me weary. I am tired of teaching people that there is work to be fucking done.

I am tired of teaching someone to use their words and communicate. I am tired of expressing myself while the person I want to hear from is holding back from expressing themselves. I am tired of being so fucking kind all the time. There is rage inside me that truly doesn’t care who I burn along the way because quite frankly, someone’s feelings are gonna be hurt anyways. It’s impossible to protect everyone’s feelings and that is OKAY. That doesn’t mean I want to be mean just for the sake of being mean. I’m calculated and purposeful with my words & actions.

Frustration with Vulnerability

I am tired of having deep emotional talks over a damn phone rather than in person. I am over the need to tip toe over someone’s wounds just so they may keep their feistiness at bay. And I do so because I know such person so fucking well that I am willing to bow down in the moment simply to ease communication and understanding. I am just so fucking over the fact that I keep being made to feel the same way.

I am tired of putting my heart on the line each and every time. I am tired of taking things slow for YEARS. I am really just completely over being so fucking VULNERABLE and OPEN for the sake of a deeper connection. I am tired of separating myself from someone who does things I don’t agree with just for them to come back in and open my heart again. Sometimes it just feels like I have nothing to show for all my hard work and efforts! Though I do have my freedom, peace of mind, and space. It would be silly of me to say that I don’t wish for a little more, something physical and 3D to represent love and care…

The Search for Authentic Connection

I thought my next (this one) my blog post would be some elaborate piece about shifting from external validation to internal validation. But fuck. I’m fucking tired. I was over here telling my loved ones, “I wish someone would’ve talked to me when I was younger about hypersexuality and how that ties into the system of patriarchy & capitalism. And how that further ties into seeking external validation rather than deep INTERNAL validation.”

It’s so fucking IMPORTANT that we discuss these issues so that the younger generations—my little cousins or future kids—do NOT lose themselves chasing outside feedback that will not sustain them for the long run. Quite frankly, I have spent practically my whole life being seen as a sex object and fucking feeding into that idea just because of the damn EXTERNAL validation. Such validation is NOT sustainable as its a mere crutch that doesn’t nourish self-esteem. This feedback from outside sources can become addicting and steer our internal compass in the wrong direction.

A Balanced Perspective

To be completely honest, I do really fucking enjoy the external validation I get from my loved ones hehe. I fucking LOVE being praised and told words of affirmation. Though now I’ve learned to value such words from my loved ones rather than people who are mere blips of existence in my life. With the freedom I have gained from letting go of outside noises, I’ve gained a deeper appreciation for my life.

How do you navigate the balance of seeking validation in a world that often demands more from us? Have you found ways to cultivate internal fulfillment that feel true to you?

Xoxo,

Alexis Mariah <3