Blog Posts

I Don’t Even Know Who I Am Anymore

Currently playing: Leave The Door Open by Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic

I’ve been recording (via video and journaling and note taking) my everyday life in hopes to better understand my human form.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEB_0xbHu5U

8:32p Lol I just want to lay on the floor and sleep 🙁 Sometimes I wonder if I’ll make my dreams come true. I know people can accomplish what they want despite having a mental disorder but god, it doesn’t take away from the thoughts I have you know. I just feel very nonhuman yet stuck in this human vessel unable to escape the tragedy.

I’m doing some homework right now and all I want to do is kill myself.

I think I am going to go back on medication. I stopped because my psychiatrist stopped working under my insurance and my primary care doctor idk, couldn’t refill the type of meds I was taking???

I think what is so hard about grasping this reality is just the simple fact that what we do matters but it also doesn’t in the grand scheme of things you know. A double edged sword.

How do I explain that I LOVE food but I feel that my disorder gets in the way of me truly enjoying food or even cooking. I’ll go through periods where I have a regular appetite and everything, then there are periods where nothing seems appetizing. Sometimes I’ll just have a slice of bread and water in the span of a couple of days. There are times where I can f*ck me up some tacos though. I find that more often than not, I am forcing myself to eat just to get the empty stomach feeling away.

Bro and I don’t even know if I still have my old sleeping pills!!!! I just want to sleep for days.

okat maybe I’m not feeling as good as I thought I was. Maybe I just really so badly wanted to be out of the darkness that I pretended that it wasn’t there.

Broooo. See not going to lie, I lowkey miss having a partner you know. I love being in love and I love sharing such a strong intimate connection with a partner. But I don’t want to just date “anyone” because I need someone just as as strong as I am. Someone who sticks to their words because that’s literally how I keep myself grounded. I cannot stand when people lie. It literally makes me physically ill (panic attack and hives) to lie. Idk, I just expect someone to be honest the same way that I am honest. I am so tired of these boys saying they want a future with me when literally none of their actions support their words. Their lack of action takes away the depth of their word.

9:12p Honestly, shit is just really hitting me right now and I just want to cry. I can’t believe I have to do everyday things not only to stay alive but well, maintain my life. I try so hard but I feel like it isn’t enough but it’s all I can offer. I don’t know where I fall in my episodes right now. All these questions and worries is what makes me want to sleep. I just want to silence my brain but that’s impossible. I should try meditating right now but it’s so much easier said than done.

Sometimes I want to say fuck my celibacy and follow through with my urges but honestly, I just really want to save my “first” time for someone special. I’m an old school romantic, I embrace that now. I want someone to wine and dine me and show me that they care about my soul!! Give me the candles, the ambient lighting, the comfy king sized bed, the roses, the freaking dedication. Show me something different than what others are offering because what they’re offering makes me want to gag.

How do I let myself enjoy being unproductive???

And then it’s also the fact that my brain really gets in the way of me having a job for a long period of time. And this is me being as honest as I can be. There’s just so much that goes to it and I fucking can’t. Not “can’t” like I don’t want to, “can’t” as in I might kill myself. I did the manager at a start-up life, that wasn’t for me. I didn’t have time for myself, family, or friends. I wasn’t myself. I was a robot. I was reckless. I did retail, never again. I worked at a church, but then a pandemic. I worked at a camera store but the environment was so toxic!!!! I worked with people who were like 50+ y/o but their age didn’t stop them from being weird humans. It’s like I can’t commit to that 9-5 life because well, that’s hell and my brain. I was literally having panic attacks at my places of work. Then it’s also the simple fact that long hours don’t work for me. I just feel so fucking stupid dude. I feel so worthless for not fitting into what society wants us to do.

Honestly without my dog, Pepper, I would probably completely go insane. I can’t help but smile when I am with her. And I really love being with her everyday, all day. It stops me from killing myself.

10:20p It’s just the simple fact that society wants us all to be so linear but my brain cannot do that.

I guess it’s just hitting me that I’m going to be 23 soon and it’s just like damn, I have no choice but to be patient with my mental health journey. I still have so many years to go 🙁

It just frustrates me that nothing happens in the flip of a switch. It’s literally just learning how to manage my brain.

Honestly the last few days just well, shocked me. It just made me rethink who I was for the last few months. I thought I was feeling “normal” but now I’m like oh shit – I think that was the hypomania. It just sucks not knowing. It sucks feeling like I’m a whole different person when I’m in my episodes. I just don’t even know who I am anymore.

It’s just like, I just feel so embarrassed. I feel really helpless to my emotions right now. I really have to continue living like this for another 65+ years?!?

Not going to lie, it lowkey hurts when people rethink me in their lives. As in, they don’t know if it will work out with me in the long term. It’s just wild because idk, I take people as they are and offer unconditional love and support. I don’t see why the same can’t be done for me. When you love someone, you take them for all their flaws. You don’t point their flaws out and tell them that’s why it won’t work. Idk. I just think there is a better way to say shit, that is all.

It’s wild that I won’t have insurance after I turn 25, like wtf am I gonna do lmaooooo. Kill myself I guess. Fuck the US healthcare system. Like how am I going to afford all the medications, doctor visits, etc?!

I just really want to get some brain scans done and just really learn wtf is “wrong” with my brain.

It’s just that when I’m in a hypomanic state, I literally forget that I have a disorder because it just feels so damn good to not be depressed.

Does my guilt come from childhood trauma or is it the disorder???

It’s 11pm and I figured now would be the time to bring out the bipolar disorder books. I just want to get some help now… Yeah jk, I opened a book and closed it right back up lmaoooo. My attention span is not here today!!!

I guess I’m trying to find out who I am in between these episodes. And to know when I am one.

It’s really a thing of not being able to identify with who I was in the past and who I am in this very second.

There’s also the thing of like what if I pass this disorder onto my biological kids?

I literally just want to get away and chill in nature for a few days.

I just feel dumb when I tell my friends that I’m feeling better then 5 minutes later, I’m back in bed curled in a ball.