The Key

I guess this is where I truly open up

Currently playing: La Llorona by Irma Villa y Su Mariachi

6:57p I am very happy and grateful for my life. But as I am being more honest with myself, I still have some lingering pain in my heart. I don’t think I necessarily want to go down the road right now to decipher where exactly the pain is coming from because I truly believe it comes from just many years of pain being accumulated within myself. And right now, I just want to do what all my great ancestors did, take their pain and turn it into art. I was thinking about how a lot of Spanish songs are just truly about heartbreak. And honestly y’all, I do have some heartbreak lingering around. It’s not that I want it to go away. You could say it’s a reminder of a great love that I once experienced so long ago. And as badly as one wants to give up on their life after a heartbreak, our persistence in our journey truly shines light on our strength that we my not have been aware of. I think that’s where our ancestors whisper into our ears and say, “Ponte las pilas, pendeja! Girl, you better freaking use that heartache as fuel to make your dreams come true. We are not by your side just for you to give up because you didn’t get one thing your way. You are always going to win and lose some, it’s honestly just about perspective. The contrasts are going to happen whether you want them to or not, so you might as well just embrace it all with open arms. Byeeee mija!”

And you know what, you could say I’ve accepted the heartbreak. More so, I’ve accepted it for what it was, a lesson that is most definitely a blessing. Without that heartbreak, I wouldn’t have fought so hard for myself and for my voice to be heard. I would not have taken another breath if I didn’t keep that hope that maybe just one day, on a Sunday (I just really love Sunday’s lol), that day would be the day that somehow with the snap of a finger, my heartbreak would go away. But as I’ve been learning, when you wait for something and then you get it, you then just end up waiting around for something else because you couldn’t learn how to just be happy with all that is in front of you. That’s why a lot of humans are so unhappy because they’re always waiting for the next thing. But I don’t want to wait for the next thing or for my heart to be healed to pursue all that I want to pursue. And then there’s the aspect of just well, accepting the now for the now.

I also just want to be happy enough with myself to stop having the need to be a better version of myself when the current version of myself (me in any given current moment) is perfect just as she is. Like holy fuck do I just want to let myself breathe. But I guess it just comes from me having been me in the past and when I did that, all hell broke loose. So I try to keep all of Alexis contained inside a bottle but honestly, it hasn’t been affective at all.

I am controlled chaos. I am a monsoon in a bottle, floating in space, approaching a white hole ever so slowly.

AMG

“O Me Voy O Te Vas” – Marco Antonio Solis

I guess I’m just embracing that heartbreaks are soooo not ugly and gross! They’re actually so incredibly beautiful. They show you a whole other side of your emotions. It’s something your body never forgets and that’s why it is important to treat everyone with compassion because we know what it is like to get our hearts broken. The pain transcends you into another dimension, and it is impossible to return to who you were before the heartbreak. Then you’re faced with two choices, to ignore the pain and brush it under a rug, which if you do that, the pain will always haunt you and be in the back of your mind waiting for a moment of weakness OR you dive deep inside the pain and witness the beauty that comes from the birth of a new you. At the end of the day, it is nobody else’s choice besides your own to decide if you want to heal or not. The entire population could hand you a step-by-step guidebook on how to heal but without you wanting to be healed, then you’re just left with a little piece of you stuck in the past because you weren’t able to shed that layer of yourself.

Omg I should also say that healing yourself is NOT a walk in the park. It is painful, scary, and completely life-changing all around. It can be isolating and sometimes you just want to give up, but even when everything says no, that’s where you persist and trust that you can heal your wounds.

I’m embracing me as in my brain as in my mental illness. I talk about my mental health a lot but I have yet to get the “yucky” feeling out of it lol. It’s because it’s a pain that runs so deep for me yet I hid it for so long that now that people know about it, I’m just like dude, I don’t know how to explain it to you. I just know that it affects my everyday life and I can’t draw distinct lines, right now, between myself and the mental illnesses. And I don’t even want to put labels on myself but it’s just the simple fact that well, it’s a reality. And our realities are what we make it so this is just me making my reality and accepting all that comes with it.

I’m working on sharing more of myself, but an unedited version. Because I really like that Alexis. She isn’t hard on herself about grammar and the length of a sentence, she just is! Holy fuck for so long, like to this very day, I get stuck not writing on my blog because I get so god damn self critical of myself. And then when I actually do let myself free write, I’m like damn, my mental illness is showing and I sound like a crazy lady so let me take it a step back. But then when I take it a step back, I don’t ever share it because it just isn’t me. I’m trying to be clear and concise, but god I also love being a little “erratic” with my words.

So in honor of sharing more of myself because geez I do love being vulnerable despite being so shy lol, I will be sharing my first ever journal that I started. I’ve mentioned this journal before but I feel like I brushed it aside like it was nothing. When in fact, this journal is not just some random journal, it is the key to my life. I started this journal in 2014 and I was 16! At this point in my life, it had been two years since my parents had separated and I was still dealing with untreated and undiagnosed mental illnesses. Now Miss Alexis has always been a little too self-aware for her own good so I had already known there were some demons in my mind. But no one, as in adults, would listen to me when I would bring it up for concern. So just as I do best, I resorted to myself to self-soothe. And that is where this journal starts off.

Thank you all for coming along with me as I put together the pieces of my puzzle.

December 14th, 2014

This is weird putting pen to paper to write about my “thoughts” and “feelings.” It feels more real than typing them out on Tumblr for some random people to read. Like idek where to start. Do I start with what im thinking right now, or what? I don’t know. Okay whatever, currently going on at 8:40pm on 12/14/2014. Jerry is being a stupid f*ck be used he’s such a p*ssy about asking our father if mom can pick up Zelda from him. Like do you not understand that from a woman’s perspective, seeing your ex of 27(?) years is f*cking hard as shit. I mean I don’t know how my mom feels about seeing my dad, but I just think it’s uncomfortable, for both of them. Okay. What I think of my stupid dumb nut brother needs some damn closure about the separation. Because yes, I was the one who actually witnessed all the fighting and felt the awkward tension, but still, maybe he never understood why they separated. I mean, I don’t really either but I’m over it. I’m over the whole father-daughter trying to repair relationship, I’m done. Maybe I haven’t tried as hard as I should’ve but I’m the daughter, you’re the father. Stand up, be a f*cking FATHER and step up. But hey, he hasn’t stepped up for 2-3 years so wtf. All I want is for Achilles to be in a safe loving environment until I have my own place and I’ll take over him. Well ok, Jerry texted mom saying he doesn’t understand why I don’t talk to my dad, and that I should be lucky for all that he has done for me. Yo, I don’t remember growing up, at all. I don’t remember living all together, only like a handful of memories. And FIRST OF ALL, THE ONLY shit my/our “father” has done for me is pay “child support.”

Other than that, he’s only texted me because I texted him happy bday and to bring Achilles inside because of the rain. The last text he sent me was, “OK.” Like okay? Oh, f*cking kay? Wtf. Not even a f*cking how are you, how’s school, NOTHING. And as much as I try to hide it, it fucking HURTS. Because my own father, my own flesh and blood, a man who gave me half of my chromosomes, doesn’t care about me. At least, personally, to me, it seems like he doesn’t care about me because he never asks how I am. Like if you’d ask, you’d know I’m a depressed daddy issue having b*tch. And you know what, mom was right, nobody ever asks about how I am. Which sucks, but whatever. I’m just so IRRITATED because I went through all this separation stuff two years ago when it first happened, now I have to go through all of this again because my brother finally decided to speak up. BUT WHATEVER.

If he needs to know why our father and I don’t talk, then I’ll give you a hundred and a billion reasons why we don’t talk. But right now, at 9:46 pm, I am in a semi-goos mood and would much rather write about something else right now. Point is…

• We all need closure
• Jerry needs to open up
• Father needs to act like one
• I need professional help
• Mom probs needs a therapist too because she’s crazy
• How has Lizzy dealt with the separation?
• We are all FUCKED UP. Why?

Issues: *with mom

• Way do I need to dress/act depressed?
  • I’ve gone year’s hiding it so I don’t need to “harm” myself or anything. Just get me help, please.
• Why assume that just because my dad is depressed, that that’s the only reason why I think I’m depressed?
  • I mean it explains why I’m depressed, but not all of it. I wish I knew why I was born defected, but I don’t.
• Why must you tell the whole family about my conversations with my doctor?
  • You have lost my trust, sadly. Stop being a blabber mouth.
• Why can’t I tell people that I’ve gotten the help I needed?
  • Im only happy about getting the help because I’m one step closer to being HAPPY. Don’t we all wish to be happy?

There are so many thoughts in my head, I can’t stop thinking. For once, I would just like to be able to focus on just one thing, but I can’t. I can’t keep up with alllllll these thoughts… SOS… One minute I’m thinking about what to think about, then food, then what’s making that noise, then oww my head hurts, then hmm are we actually going to do family therapy? So many thoughts, they’re racing by me, I wish they’d wait for me to catch up. Is it raining? No, but my head hurts and my handwriting is shit.

02/07/21 Thank you for reading and persisting through my grammatical errors. I’ll go back and edit them another day. I proofread then when I went back to fix the errors, my brain went bleh and now I can’t find the mistakes lol. I freaking use Grammarly to avoid this issue but the iPad version is annoying and my laptop is still broken. *deep breath* And instead of forcing myself to search for the mistakes with my eyes, I’m going to stop while I’m ahead so I don’t have a breakdown over fucking spelling mistakes. *deep breath* I’ll also be adding my current perspective about this journal entry so live until then.