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Introspection, Faith, and Dating With a Mental Illness

Listening to lectures from Alan Watts has been crucial in keeping me afloat and keeping me from killing myself. That may sound morbid but life really is about doing things that you enjoy and keep you from killing yourself, finding a reason to live you know. I’ve been doing some major introspection lately and it has been so eyeopening.

I honestly used to think I was batshit crazy and that I was so out of my mind that I would just end up in a psychiatric institution. Let me just be really raw and say, that is my greatest fear. To not be understood and locked away to be forgotten about like so many others. Any form of institution that makes people feel unworthy of their lives is my greatest fear. I am just really against any form on institution because they weren’t made to benefit anyone, they were made to just cast away the people we deem “weird” and “different” from the rest of society. Which is pretty messed up because bro c’mon, there are more or less, 7 billion people in this world at all times and human life form has been around for who knows how long, you’re really going to try and tell me that we all have to fit a mold? Expecting everyone to fit into this mold of societal perfection is completely detrimental to the survival of our soul. Thus making us feel inadequate because we feel like a deformity. But I fucking promise you, you are so uniquely perfect to who you are and it is crucial to keep that belief in the forefront of everything that you do.

With this introspection, I have come to learn that I am in fact, not crazy. And only I myself can tell myself that because it doesn’t matter what others say. To be free is to not be affected by society. No matter how many people I ask if I’m crazy or not, it doesn’t matter! If 100 people tell me that I am crazy but I know within myself that I’m not crazy, I’m just not like them, then I am in fact not crazy!

Basically, I have had to just find peace within myself. I had to get quiet and remove myself from outside stimulation to be able to hear my intuition and higher-self speaking to me. Now I used to this before but unknowingly. I was a really introverted shy kid so I spent most of my time alone in my room, getting lost in my thoughts. But you see, I wasn’t able to pull myself back out of my thoughts so I would get stuck, falling further into the hole. That hole created a deep depression within me because I had no sense of faith or belief that helped me understand the world. Now at 22, I do!

No one teaches you how to have faith or even what faith is. You hear people talk about it but they don’t explain it. I really thought that faith was solely for religion, but no, its in everything. You have to have faith that you won’t die in your sleep so you can continue living your everyday life. You have to have faith that someone loves you back. You have to have faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Because once you lose faith, take it from me, you lose your will to live. You lose it because you don’t believe in anything but black and white. You discredit all the magic that life has to offer in every instance.

Oh! I just remembered that you know what, everything does in fact, happen for a reason. I just think that the reason I had to have my mental breakdown was to be able to finally seek the help I was needing for so long. It was a gift from the universe to tell me that I am in fact, not “crazy” as much as I had thought I was. And mind you, I was really under the impression that something was completely wrong in this brain of mine! But it’s calming to hear a professional tell you that you are well-spoken and do, in fact, have your head right on your shoulders. It was the old me that was seeking outside validation to tell me that I am doing okay in the reality part of life! Shoutout to Dr. Burke for giving me the clarity I needed. She reminded me that I am creative, like a lot of people who have bipolar disorder, and that I should use that as an outlet for myself.

Sometimes I forget I have a mental illness!! Which I’m not sure is a good or bad thing. I’d like to note that when my well-being journey began, I thought it would just consist of my mental and physical health. I had no idea spirituality would be apart of my journey as well. It all intertwines so beautifully that I can’t just separate them to distinguish things.

Honestly, my biggest battle is with my emotions. It’s a solo journey that has come close to killing me many times. But I’m learning how to not suppress my emotions, but to let them flow and basically come at them from a neutral standpoint. My emotions really have the ability to take over my mind but I’m learning that I am in fact, much stronger than my emotions.

It’s funny to me that this thing we can’t really see, emotions, can be such a powerful monster. It’s the basis of all that we are yet we ignore our emotions, we’re taught to put every feeling aside and just be a robot. But I can’t do that, I would much rather die than be like the rest of the world. Not that I’m trying to be a rebel, I’m just simply choosing to step out of the matrix.

Which involves learning how to control and understand my emotions. To use them as fuel for my creativity, to understand who I am. And I’m learning to harness the power of my emotions using a bunch of techniques such as psychology, spirituality, religions, science, and just my damn intuition.

I should mention that I get lost in my thoughts and emotions a lot. Actually, let me rephrase that. I am learning how to think clearly and find clarity through the clouds of my thoughts and emotions. I’m not sure how to describe this but basically, when I remember “oh lol I’m not crazy, I just have a mental illness,” I feel like I just need to take a step back and sit down to process that. I’m not sure what it is. I guess I’m learning to balance my spirituality with my mental illness. Society keeps the two separate but they can definitely intertwine for the better. In short, what I’m trying to say is, when I am feeling mentally stable, I forget all about having a mental illness. I’m feeling on top of the world, super invincible. But then my bubble gets popped by some not so positive emotions wanting to be present. That’s when my brain wants to tell me that I don’t deserve those good feelings because I’m useless and what not. Then I go down the route of having to keep myself from falling down that hole. And that’s when I remember that LOL NO WONDER my emotions are a rollercoaster! It’s not me, it’s just my mental illness.

I have tools for my spirituality but I forget I also have tools to help my mental illness too! Lol okay, now I’m crying. Not going to lie, sometimes I’m a little embarrassed that I have a mental illness. I feel like I have a dirty secret despite being open about it. I guess I’m just shy to share this part of my life with someone. Before I got any type of diagnosis, I was just dealing with the depression on my own. I didn’t know how to deal with it so it would spill out into my relationships. My boyfriend(s) at the time had no idea what was going on and neither did I. Thankfully, it was never an issue of like “damn she’s crazy.” It was just a matter of me needing to learn to not let my personal tornado spill into my partner.

From “The Bipolar Survival Guide” by David J. Miklowitz, PhD

I have yet to be in a relationship now that I have my mental illness in check. So lol, I’m honestly so scared to share this mess of my life with anyone new. Like yo, I don’t think anyone understands what I deal with on the daily. And it’s all just an internal battle with my emotions. How am I supposed to explain that to my partner? When I’m with my friends, my moods are pretty stable but not really because more than anything, what I’m dealing with is so internal it’s hard to express it into words.

Idk, I guess I’m just coming to the realization that one of the hardest things for me before was, to be honest about my emotions with my partner. But like I can’t run from that anymore, I have to face my fears. So I’m going to have to be super-duper honest about my rollercoaster of emotions and just know that the right person for me won’t mind the ride at all. This topic of figuring out what I want in a partner has been in my head this week so I made a little list of qualities I’m looking for. This is what I have so far!

In short, I just want a divine partner who makes me feel less crazy. I’m already doing that on my own but I would greatly appreciate the support because holy damn, it’s hard doing it alone! But I have come to learn that people really are reflections of who we are on our own. The only way to come together with your divine partner is to come together with yourself first. Don’t ever wait to have a partner for you to do something. Buy yourself flowers! Take yourself on a date. Massage every inch of your body in the finest of oils because you deserve it. Society taught us to long for someone to complete us but no, we have to complete ourselves. The most important thing is to remember that everything you want a partner to do for you, you have to do for yourself first. So have fun being single! Date yourself first before getting into a partnership because you want to be two whole people coming together. Get to the point where you don’t need a partner but want one!

Long ago, I used to be really codependent. I would have my boyfriends do everything for me because I was too scared to do it myself. But that was counterintuitive to who I am, and who I am is an independent free woman. I was upset with myself for letting my fear get in the way of what I wanted to do. But one day, I got really damn tired of waiting for someone to do something for me. I got tired of the results not coming out the way I wanted. I got tired of relying on people. So then I did this thing of ending my long term relationship because I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t easy either. It was incredibly difficult because I was scared to be alone. I was also scared of what my family was going to say. But let me tell you!!! Despite all the shit that people were telling me because the guy was so good to me and how could I be so evil, I fucking came out happier than I ever even imagined! And that’s what makes my independence worth it, my happiness with being myself and not suppressing who I am for anyone.

So you see, I guess I really am changing :’) I am becoming my dream version of myself every day! I am a woman of faith. A woman of emotions. A force of nature. I have bipolar 2 disorder and sometimes it does get rough but I continue to rely on my resiliency to get me out of the dark. I am so lovingly single and I am so happy with that. But don’t get me wrong, I so look forward to being with someone, I just want that someone to be my counterpart.

I have come a really long way and I am so happy to be able to keep track of my growth on my blog. And how amazing it is to be able to share my story with people! I love that. My purpose in life is to help heal people and help them connect to their inner power, so that’s just what I plan on continuing to do, in some way or another. I may not know exactly what I am doing but I do know that I am being myself to the fullest and with that, I can never fail in life.

Let’s sit back, relax, and be in the moment at all times. Let go of worry because more often than not, its just our ego causing that anxiety within us. Thank you for being alive today.

Some videos to enlighten you: