Late Night Thoughts: I Don’t Want To D*e Anymore

Hey Siri, play “All I Want” by A Day To Remember and “When You Can’t Sleep At Night” by Of Mice & Men

*This post might be all over the place and I do apologize for that but this is one of my more informal posts so eh, I don’t care lol*

In the moment that I saw my smile, that’s when I new I had a new found love for life

Surprise surprise, I don’t want to kill myself anymore 🙂 I don’t want to be anywhere else besides being in the present moment at all times.

Pepper is so photogenic! She really is my daughter :’)

Lol a sudden urge of tears has come over me out of the blue. Maybe it’s because it started raining. But I was just laying the couch with Pepper, the tears hit me like a soccer ball to the face because wow, you can be a completely high vibrational being and feliz at the same time while also still being able to mourn at the same time. I’ve really been living in the moment and this moment just reminded me that we can literally never get time back. As time continues and does its thing, humans and everything else in the universe are just cycled out for their purpose and what not.

Meeeeeeeee crying 🙂 My skin is glowing!!!

We have a purpose and we can leave an impact on so many people’s lives yet the other side of it is that we are else just mere grains of rice in the universe and we will all be forgotten about, eventually. I guess it just hit me because I had a really beautiful day with my pets and family. I noticed myself reminding myself and thanking the universe for all the beauty in my life. I thanked the universe for making sure that my family and I are always protected with a warm home always filled with food, water, and electricity. I thanked the universe for allowing me to choose who I want to be every day. I thanked myself for staying true to myself and getting all the tattoos and piercings that make me happy! I thanked myself for persevering through the shittiest of times to get to this balance I am in now. I am just so grateful for everything and it just makes me cry because we really are so blessed but society can be so evil thus affecting your growth and how you see the world. Not many can break out of society but when you do, you find so much freedom and beauty.

I suppose I was crying just for the simple fact that I freaking love my life so much that I treasure literally every second of it now! It wasn’t always like this for me, at all. I spent my whole life just wishing for death to take me. I would wish for my life to end because I was so damn lost in all my pain and trauma. LOL okay, I understand why I’m crying now. I am officially mourning my old self, the depressed Alexis who’s outlook on life was so negative to no fault but her own. There was a lot of pain and heartbreaks but that was just part of my journey. I was cleaning up my Spotify playlists and got around to a playlist I made earlier this year when I was going through some of my darkest times. I called it “depressed” because well, it had all the songs I would blast during those times where all I wanted to do was die. I usually don’t delete playlists but I’ve really gotten used to decluttering what is of no use to me anymore. And because I don’t plan on being in that dark black hole again, it just seemed right to delete it. As simple as that was, it didn’t hit me until now that by deleting that playlist, I am choosing to have faith in myself to be strong in my dark moments. I am choosing to use all the tools that I have learned to keep myself out of ever falling back down to where I used to be because I am not that person anymore. Don’t get me wrong, moments happen and we can’t escape our emotions, but the important thing to remember is to use that tool belt of skills and tools that are meant to keep you at a high vibration.

Basically, this is me starting my new cycle of life. A much brighter peaceful life is ahead of me, I can literally feel it. The pain and trauma are all left behind as I step forward into fulfilling my destiny. I literally stopped caring about all outside voices and opinions! I have some moments where the universe tests me but I am so in tune with myself and intuition that I am just so secure and nothing can change that!

Side note: It’s amazing being such a high vibrational balanced being because I can embrace the little things in life that like to remind me that I am human lol. Something about technology but I swear I tend to have some recurrent issues like pretty frequently! I just got this laptop in 2018 and it’s been so problematic the last few months. Which is a total annoyance because I had just gotten it repaired earlier this year and it’s stilllllll glitching and freezing all the time. I’m not complaining because I am so damn grateful that it works most of the time, even if I have to restart it a hundred times a day. I guess it’s just funny to me because this would have really angered me in the past and I would let this little thing bother me. But now when I am faced with frustration, I make sure to ground myself in gratitude so that I keep myself at a high frequency. I make sure to breathe when my laptop freezes and while it restarts, I take the moment to just thank the universe for even having a laptop in the first place, for letting me be able to share my words with people one way or another. I am never without and it’s beautiful. It has taken a lot of practice to not let myself get angry but I can finally notice my progress and it feels so nice! Anyways, I really need Apple to step up as a company and do better with their products. Quality is important!!

Welp, I was going to write more but I got a really bad headache so I’m going to take my high vibrational being to bed now because she needs a rest lol. I just wanted to come on here to share my moment of progress with you all. I will definitely be going more in depth on this subject of wanting to live again but that will be for another time.

Thank you all for existing. Thank you for impacting the world in your unique way, the world would certainly not be the same without you. Remember to be kind and compassionate to everyone, even those who have hurt you. Hurt people hurt people but you also have the power to decide who you want to let into your life or not. At the end of the day, just be thankful for the life you were given and you will literally never have to worry again.

For those who struggle with suicidal ideations as I have, the best advice I have ever gotten is: If you want to kill yourself, go to sleep. If you wake up still wanting to kill yourself, keep going back to sleep and repeating that until one day you just don’t want to harm yourself anymore.