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Learning How to Receive After Being Raised By A Narcissist

“I hope you can find it in your heart to be proud of the woman I have become in spite of you. – still hoping for sugar instead of salt.” — Amanda Lovelace, The Princess Saves Herself In This One

To all my people with parental issues, you are okay. It might feel like no one will ever love you, but trust me, the only love that you need is from yourself. You are more than worthy of unconditional love. You deserve to be heard so speak your truth. Your feelings are valid!!!

On this little self-healing journey of mine, I have come across some negative habits that I have had to make some changes to because they were not serving me any good. I didn’t realize I had a problem with receiving until just yesterday. I’ve been talking to Sol more openly about how the financial situation with my dad has caused me more stress than I would like to admit. I was starting to feel a little flustered. And being that Sol is so great, she did something major for me that I am forever grateful for. She took me to Sprint today so that she can add me to her phone line and buy me a new phone! Now, this is a big thing because this is one of the last few connections to my dad that I had to cut. I’m not sharing this to brag about getting a new phone, I’m simply sharing this because it wasn’t easy to accept this gift. And when I tell you, everything in my life had aligned in that very moment, it really did. Everything fell into place. I ended getting a whole new phone number too so that I can have a fresh new beginning. RIP to the 786 number that I had since 2015. Out with the old, in with the new baby!

I would like to say, it was not easy letting her do that for me. I felt so uncomfortable to accept her offer of help. Society teaches you that you aren’t allowed to get help from anyone. And if you do receive help, then you’re just lazy/spoiled/and whatever other negative descriptions people want to project onto others. But I listened to my inner voice and took the offer of help that was given to me. For the first time, I didn’t fight it. I’ve always been the type of person to do things for herself even if it meant that I had to squeeze every last bit of joy out of myself. I suffered in silence for so long because I was scared to ask for help because that would mean that I would have to accept the help.

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This basically means I have had to unlearn my traumas around receiving. I struggled with openly receiving because I always feared that people would treat me the way my dad treated me when he gives me something. I would be made to feel terrible for even asking for something, let alone accepting it. It was a very conditional love that he gave to me. I tried so very hard to keep things amicable between that man and me. Every single time that I reached out for help, I was met with anger and frustration. How can I, his daughter, be treated so coldly? As if I was some foreign blood-sucking creature that he had no connection to. I didn’t know it then but by me receiving help from him, I was being bought by him. And that came with many strings attached. Those strings attached were promises that he would always help me no matter what but that I would have to actively be apart of his life. This wasn’t easy because I was just a freaking teenager and I had yet to resolve any of my traumas.

Narcissists give gifts, not because of the kindness from their hearts but because they want to control the receiver, to keep their devotion. They see it as an investment for their own wants. I saw a great example of someone describing the inner dialogue a narcissist may have, “I’m in control of what and how much you receive. My giving depends on your behavior and whether or not I deem you worthy. I expect undying loyalty and gratitude in return. And, by the way, don’t forget to tell everyone you know how great I am.” But my dad never understood that I wasn’t asking for money just for fun, I was just asking him to be a freaking active father. The things I was asking of him were the same things I was asking of my mom, but he never understood that even to this day he can’t wrap his head around that. I know things happen for a reason but maybe it would’ve been easier if he would’ve just left my life completely. It saddens me a great deal that I feel so indebted to my own dad. It’s just really something I do not wish on anyone. It’s a terrible feeling and it feels like a grey cloud is following you everywhere.

I’m an empathetic person so it’s easy for me to give, but the receiving part is where I had to learn some things. I’ve been having to unlearn my previous conditionings revolving around receiving. I was the type of person who would open her gifts alone in her room because I was scared that others would take my happiness and use that as a form of manipulation. As if to say “she enjoyed the gift so now I have her wrapped around my finger.” If I do open a gift in front of someone, all I can do is cry uncontrollably because I just can’t fathom how someone can give something without expecting something in return. I can’t wrap my head around that people could do something just because they wanted to, not because they wanted recognition and to be put on top of some type of pedestal.

Just writing about this brings back some painful flashbacks. I’ve unknowingly blocked out a lot of my past from my memory because they were just too damn painful to keep in my consciousness. I always feared that he would take his financial support away from me but then it happened. It actually started to happen last year, a month after my mental breakdown in October. I didn’t text him for thanksgiving or his birthday, and yes I know I should’ve but people make mistakes. Plus to be fair, I was just trying my best to get used to these antidepressants/ anti-anxiety meds and not kill myself. Then all of a sudden a couple weeks after his birthday, I ask him for some help and he completely ignores me. Fast forward to February of this year where I have my dad go to a therapy session with me. Now, this was really big because this was my first time going to therapy on my own as an adult and bringing my dad with me so that I could have a safe space to talk to him about my new diagnosis of Bipolar 2 Disorder. Maybe I was blinded by daughter love but I really thought we would get to a better place after that session but I was wrong. In that session, I had my own father tell me that because I had not texted him for his birthday, that he was now not going to ever help me with my education ever again.

Now that was something I wasn’t expecting. It’s the LAST thing anyone should ever have to hear from a parent. What was crazier to me was that I was made to feel crazy for being hurt by his statement because my therapist was telling me that I was in the wrong. I was wrong for not texting him because my dad has abandonment issues and doesn’t have the “proper communication skills” that I have. I was wrong for being hurt by my father’s statement because I was the one who “caused” this roadblock. Then it got me wondering, was my therapist a narcissist too? Were they both gaslighting me? To this day, I still don’t know. After 3 sessions, I was done with all the manipulation, from both of them (Valentine’s Day will always be my reminder of that first session with my dad. I went to dinner with friends and got completely wasted from all types of alcohol and vices because I made the dumb decision to numb myself. My advice: do not handle your problems with liquor, nothing gets fixed and alcohol is a depressant so you’re just going to feel even worse).

Fast forward to now, after months of unlearning my old ways, I am now in the process of learning how to receive with open arms. This took some major self-improvement. I had to love myself so that I could find myself worthy of care. I had to drill into myself the idea that I AM worthy and deserving of all that is good in life. I was in denial about myself and my worth for so long. I had to unlearn the codependency issues that I so badly never wanted to admit that I had because that would mean that I do in fact have some daddy issues. Once I started accepting myself for who I am and what I have to offer, I slowly began to have a more healthy relationship with receiving.

My advice to anyone going through anything similar is just to take a step back from your life and learn how to love yourself unconditionally. Love all your quirks and talents. Once you get to a point of loving yourself regardless of your mistakes, you begin to love others unconditionally thus allowing yourself to become more aligned with your higher self. I may not know much but I have some tips and tricks up my sleeve if anyone ever needs some advice. Remember, you are not alone. Your happiness matters. And it is so god damn sexy to have some self-respect!

With all the love and care,

Alexis ❣️