*A really big trigger just happened so I figured I should write about it instead of throwing myself a pity party.*

It’s 9:20pm on a Friday. I was having a wonderful day. I felt the need to relax today so that’s just what I did. My grandma brought me coffee and breakfast in bed. She also gave me a great big hug which I thought was really nice because my family isn’t really that big on hugging. I did some much-needed journaling to plan my life out a bit. I set some new goals for myself so I’m excited about those!

I actually wrote a little letter to my higher self today: Go with the flow Alexis. Don’t let yourself get lost. Let go of the weight on your shoulders. Be free, baby. Spread your wings! You’re doing just fine. Ground yourself. Live in the moment because you will never be who you are in this exact moment ever again. 904: Let go of worries. The phase is ending. A new beginning awaits. Live in the moment. Enjoy the little things. Look at all the small things. Don’t look at the big picture if you’re just going to get overwhelmed. Stay grounded, don’t get carried away in the magic. I know how much the joy is overflowing and you just want to scream!!! Scream into a pillow. It is happening, dude. All that you wished and prayed for is here, now grab it because you deserve all the greatness in the world. Blessings! I love you, Alexis. 911. Thank u Sol for being my BFF.

I spent the rest of the day napping, with my pets, and honestly just doing whatever called out to my heart. Fast forward to where we are now, night time. I was having a really relaxing evening and was just about to start to do some more journaling. And then why, on the most random day with no reason for this happening, my dad texts my mom (which never happens, there’s no reason for him to do so anyway) how she raised a terrible child, aka ME.

Now we were both caught off guard by this. I was just as confused as my mom was when she told me. Honestly, I’m crying like a lot. It feels as if I can never escape my dad and the pain that he never ceases to cause me. It’s one thing to be called a bad name by a stranger, but a parent, now that really hurts! Old me would’ve had a panic attack by now and probably would’ve gone through some extremes just to numb her pain. But the improved Alexis is feeling and processing what she is going through. I’m just really hurt, I don’t understand why people can be so rude and disrespectful to their kids. It’s just like holy f*ck, I’m 22 and I still have to deal with this man?! I long to cut all ties to him. I don’t want the car he bought me anymore. I deserve much better than that. I shouldn’t have something held over my head for so long especially from a freaking parent. I feel so disgusted with myself when I enter my car now. It doesn’t feel right and I can just feel his energy in it. Honestly, once I give my dad this car back, I know a really big chapter of my life will be closed for good.

Closing that chapter is something I dream of. It’s going to trigger a domino effect of positivity in my life. You ever realize how as soon as you cut out something toxic from your life, your life starts aligning with everything? I can literally feel that moment in my veins! Who knows how long it will take to be able to buy my own car but I pray to the universe that it happens by the end of the year. I cannot spiritually stand being attached to that horrendous man any longer. Which is pretty freaking sad. I guess this is just the universe telling me that I deserve to be treated with respect in all relationships. Boundaries.

Little Alexis is really hurt inside though not going to lie. I’m trying to process everything and I think I am doing a really good job. My natural instinct is to harm myself and basically go off the walls but instead, I am curled up in my favorite blanket on the couch with my dog snoring her dreams away. I have this really weird feeling in my chest right now. Is that my heart breaking again? Or is that my heart mending itself back together? Is this anxiety creeping back up?

I would like to say that I really don’t think my dad has any say over how my mother raised me if he refused to be a present parent in my life. It was a chore for him to be a dad. My mom did not do a job terrible job raising me. I always had what I wanted and more. I never went without anything. I literally would not be this brave fearless independent intellectual without my mom! I became the assistant GM of a start-up company in SF at the age of 20. I heal people on the daily. I have so much knowledge to share with the world. I am a really peaceful person who moves with love. I am kind, generous, patient. I’m pretty f*cking great despite what my dad thinks.

Honestly, it is pretty f*cked up having to deal with a parent who is just full of so much anger and negativity. It’s tiring, exhausting. I can’t see how we are related. I’m full of so much light and grace. It’s taking a lot of my strength to not tell myself negative things. I so badly want to tell myself how unloveable I am, how worthless and undeserving I am, how much of a failure I am but I know that none of that is true. Those are things that someone so full of anger has fed into my brain. Plus, my amount of worth is not tied to someone’s beliefs about me.

I may be alone but I am also unafraid. Plus, I’m not completely alone. I have my mom, my friends, and the rest of my family. And that’s all I need. I always thought that I needed my dad in my life for me to get somewhere but turns out, he was the anchor that was holding me down for so long. Contrary to my old beliefs, I am much better having only unconditional love and support around me and that is literally everything I have ever prayed for.

Anyways, I’m going to cry the rest of my feelings out so I can heal. I need a freaking hug lol. Blessings to you all. Don’t forget, your voice matters. You are worthy of unconditional love. You are a gift to this world. You will be okay. Remember, it is NOT your job to fix the narcissist!

**My mom wants me to add: “You know that your Dad has his own Evils that he tries to blame on us (me & you) today or someone else tomorrow.  He is no one to put us down and I don’t let him “ripple” my life, heart or mind. Don’t ever let him make you feel less than. He is the powder on your and that you blow into the wind and off he goes, don’t let his negative,  toxic, abusive words settle and steal your joy. He has no power over you or me, what kind of a man? puts down his own? That is no man.” **

And I would like to add that I processed my emotions and lol okay I’m not sad anymore. I’ve dealt with my dad’s negative behavior for so long that I can just brush it off pretty easily and quickly. Plus, this only means that I am one step closer to my dream car, a Lexus for Alexis lol. I’m grateful for all that my Honda and I have gone through, from all those random road trips to LA to all the little curbs that so happen to get in the way when I am driving. Thank you to my Honda for teaching me how to parallel park in SF and how important it is to use your camera when reversing so you don’t tap your brother’s truck (jkjk, maybe…). Now it is time for me to move onto bigger and better things. It’s what I deserve because I don’t deserve anything less. I have come soon far in my healing process and I am so proud of myself for all that I have conquered. I freaking did that! How beautiful 🙂

XoXo,

Alexis