Siri play “Is This Love” by Whitesnake, “Cancelled” by Kiana Ledé, “Basta Ya” by The Marias, “Tell It Like It Is” by Aaron Neville, and last but not least, “Miss Independent” by Ne-Yo

I wanted to write this as I cry lol. In every aspect of my life, things have been changing for the better. Which I never thought would be possible. I’ve always been a happy person on the outside, but I was crying for help on the inside. This pandemic has forced me to really spend time alone with myself while not having the distractions of our pre-pandemic everyday life. I was the type of person who kept busy, constantly on the move, constantly waiting for the next thing. Very much an American thing ya know, we can never freaking stop and breathe. Keeping busy helped me ignore any of the negative thoughts that I was having, which did not work. Avoiding your problems honestly makes no sense because sooner or later, you’re going to have to face them. It’s a more painful path if you do so choose to ignore the problems. Even in February/March when I thought I was at my best because I was eating and exercising regularly, taking my meds every day, sleeping 8+ hours, I thought that was enough to be happy with myself but that proved to be untrue because I was still avoiding my deepest issues.

Those issues included working on my relationship with my father and also really digging deep inside myself to get to the core of who I truly am. Do you know what I found? I found this lost girl with the strongest codependency issues, with the deepest insecurity of never feeling like she is enough for anyone, someone who always put herself last. She was so broken, so confused about why bad things were happening to her. She did not understand why her parents were separating, she did not understand why she doubted herself so much, she did not understand why people left her life. Little did she know was that she had a codependent personality! I really won the creation jackpot with that one there.

How sad does that all sound? Ya’ll it is sad! I am just so sad for little me. I am still the same girl who has one foot in one type of life and the other foot in another. For my entire life, I had one foot in the life of this girl who was incredibly intelligent, strong-willed, and always laughing. My other foot was in the life of this girl who was drowning in her feelings and constantly doubting herself (Am I pretty? Am I actually smart like people always praise me for? Why do people want to be in my life?). Things are still that way but they aren’t as bad anymore. And that is all I ever could have asked for! I was aiming low for a big portion of my life. Now I aim for the highest I can go because I learned to believe in myself. I now believe people when they tell me compliments! That is due to learning how to trust myself. It doesn’t matter what people think of me, whether that be a positive or negative thing, I trust and love myself enough to not be super affected by either. It truly is the most peaceful thing and I suggest that everyone take the time to go on their own self-love journey and seeing what person you turn into, I promise you won’t regret it.

I have really become one with myself. I have been so at peace within myself the last few days than I ever have been in my entire life! I honestly felt the heaviness of pain lifted off of me. I truly feel lighter! Society really turns you into this heavy ol’ sack of potatoes. But once you start diving into the core of who you are, you realize that you actually aren’t a sack of potatoes, you are a free bird flying in the wind! I spent so much time alone with myself in order to gain that security I was always longing for.

I spent so much time alone and honestly I was getting a little too comfortable. I started to notice myself being fearful of love again. But in a different way. Of course, I have a fear of getting hurt but that doesn’t scare me, I’m so effing strong lol. If someone wants to not be in my life then that’s on them. I’m a pretty fantastic person. And I truly believe that if someone wants you in their life, they will do everything they need to do in order to do exactly that! I started having a fear of the change that comes with letting someone new enter your life. We don’t think about it much but well, to me, it’s a pretty vulnerable thing letting someone into your everyday life. Well, actually it might just be a bipolar thing because we need our daily routine to be pretty consistent so we don’t lose our shit lol. It’s already difficult for me to text people because it’s a long process to do so. For example, when I text people, I have to read their message like 5 times to figure out the tone, then type as I reread it again so I know I am answering everything they said, then I read what I typed so I can make sure it’s coming off just right and that I’m not rambling and that I fixed my potential grammar mistakes, then I reread both messages to make sure they connect, then I send and read it all again. Lol that’s probably an overshare but it connects to me saying that, some little things affect me a little bit more than others. When someone comes into my life, it kinda shakes my life up a bit. My normal days now have this stranger talking to me every day trying to get to know me and be apart of my life for x amount of time. I am literally letting someone into my mess of a life. Their life is probably a mess too but still. I now have to take a step back and figure out how I can fit them into my life as well as think about how they will be affecting my life before, during, and after. This probably sounds dramatic and well it kinda is, but that’s what goes on in my brain.

It might sound like that’s the best thing to do but it is not because that’s me looking at this new person in a fight or flight way. It is an anxiety-driven perspective. Luckily I have changed my perspective, unknowingly. When I started to trust myself, I started to be less fearful of the world. I do still make it a point to tell the potentials that are courting me that I am a fragile person and I would like to not waste my time on someone who doesn’t have the same intentions as me. I can tell myself that at the end of the day, I was honest and asked them politely to be a decent human who is compassionate and thinks of others! When I started to believe in myself, I began to believe in my resiliency that people always told me about. I may go through a lot of pain and suffering but I bounce back fairly quickly and I get better at it each time. I’m not actively trying to get over the ending of a situation, I am just being honest with myself and my hurt. I acknowledge my feelings and try to look at the situation from a place of gratitude instead of resentment. In my head, I thank the universe for bringing them into my life and letting me experience that journey with that person. I thank them for letting me get to know the person that their family raised, who their friends spend time with, who their ex-girlfriends dated, and who their future girlfriends will be dating. I thank them for being apart of my life path because they were there to teach me a lesson and help me grow. When it does end, I do find myself questioning if they enjoyed their time being with me and if I was able to help better their life in some way. I do that whenever I lose someone. I just like to reassure myself that I really am a healing person. But I’m slowly learning to believe in that too.

Now here I am, a whole new womxn who loves herself more than anything. I love myself so much that I am choosing to be honest with myself. I am choosing to be my authentic self. I am choosing to no longer conform to other people’s ideas of what type of relationship I should be in and who I should be dating. I am choosing to be vulnerable. So we shall see where this new womxn goes with this little dating life. I am really curious about how amazing it will feel to share my time with someone who has nothing but the best intentions for me. Someone who supports me in every which way possible. Someone who is patient with me even on my worst days. Someone who takes their time to learn about each layer of who I am. Someone who is honest with themselves and others. I look forward to a love that nourishes, that feeds and replenishes. I will have a partner who has a healthy and secure attachment style. I will have a love for me!

Until then, I will continue living my life for myself because I am young and I still have so much learning and growing to do! I really have my whole life ahead of me and a really long way to go but I am getting closer to my goals and creating new ones every day!

Side Note: I found an old recommendation letter from my favorite high school teacher for a psychology program I did over the summer after graduation and it really put into perspective for me how much I have over come! I have always been this bright intelligent person, she was just a little too busy hiding behind her pain for a long time.

“The triumph can’t be had without the struggle.” – Wilma Rudolph