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Life After Many Episodes Switching

Currently playing: Blame It by Jamie Foxx ft T-Pain

“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life.” – Golda Meir

Honesty hour!

Some little notes from the past couple of days, week(s).

Where do I even begin? It’s been a good 8 14 days since I last wrote on here. During that time period, I transformed into some bad-ass creature who cried her whole way through her act of getting some help. This is the first time in a couple of weeks where I feel slightly sane. A lot of this has to do with me actively sharing what is happening to me during the episodes, friends reaching out with support, and a mindset of refusing to kill myself. I allowed myself to have days where all I did was stay in bed, but even then I couldn’t stop feeling guilty about only having the energy to succumb to the rainfall of tears. I was able to keep myself accountable by making sure I stuck to my plans of seeing my best friends. I found it therapeutic to be with my friends even though I was feeling an immense amount of dread and depression. As anyone who has experienced depression knows, it is an isolating thing. By being honest with my friends and family about what was going on in my head, I didn’t feel a need to hide in shame. I was able to be with them and vent about the emotional rollercoaster my brain decided to go on.

My doctors and I are unsure if what I have is bipolar 1 or bipolar 2 disorder. And not going to lie, I’m tearing up right now!

I love photography because it helps me remember what my trauma brain cannot.

A saying I have resonated with that helps me acknowledge the good feelings, “I feel most myself when…”

I feel most myself when I am in my room writing, cutting up magazines, listening to music, and putting collages together

Bro im really having an identity crisis right now. How do I tell people that I am trying my best, but sometimes my best feels like a mask? Maybe my hope of being “normal” is too strong and it’s blinding me. I have spent years of hiding my crazy because when I would reach out for help and tell adults what I was feeling, they brushed it off and didn’t acknowledge it. I internalized that. I minimize what I go through that now I don’t even know how to give myself props for what I have accomplished. It’s just like, so because I have a disorder, that’s what makes my actions be “symptoms”? But in other people without a disorder, those actions would just be actions??

It’s just like, I feel like I’m always going to be adding to my list of symptoms and I just need patience as I gather up all my data about myself and my brain.

How do I tell people that my accomplishments feel so fake and disconnected from who I am? But I know they’re mine you know?

I freaking forget that there’s still a stigma surrounding bipolar disorder!!! It didn’t really hit me until my brother used it and I could see the stigma bleeding through. Thunker came over today and was telling us about how they had a customer leave a very nasty review(s). She read them to us and well, they were pretty outrageous and used all kinds of slurs and racist words, it was horrible. We all just talk about how that person must’ve really been going through something to leave such long horrendous reviews multiple times. And then, my brother (who I love very much) let’s ignorance spill out of his mouth when he spoke the words, “She’s probably bipolar or something.” I had to stop him real quick like no, I have bipolar disorder. That woman was just letting her self-hate reflect in how she spoke to others. I’m just shocked that those words could be spilled out by someone who lives in the same household as me. I’m not sure how to process really but it’s definitely going to be something I think about moving forward. It’s just like sir, if you only knew half the shit that bipolar disorder really includes, you would not be dropping those words so easily.

I feel most myself (and seen) when I watch people on youtube who share their bipolar episodes. That’s when I feel not alone.

God damnit

Fears and truths

My fears suppress me from letting the episodes out because I don’t want to get sent to the psych wards so I internalize the emotions
I get embarrassed and I learned how to cover up my episodes
I know how to hide my episodes but it’s also difficult Bc it leads me to be alone to be in my own crazy
I feel like because nobody ever took me seriously before, I minimize my symptoms but in all honesty, I am struggling. But I’m putting on a mask so that I don’t get sent away. I just brush things off or bury them because I’m embarrassed and my family brushed everything off as me being rebellious. But when it’s just me and myself in my room, it’s a tornado of wild emotions.
I just feel like no one believes me. I do put on a smile and I can act normal, but inside I am dying. And I don’t have the words to explain my episodes.
I just never know how to talk about what I’m feeling because it just gets brushed off by everyone so then I question if I do have a mental disorder but I fucking do
I’m just a pro at putting up fronts and I guess that’s where my identity crisis is coming from
When I watch videos of people going through their episodes on YouTube, I feel so normal and seen. I’m given words for what I usually cannot describe because it feels normal to me.
I’m afraid of doing something wrong all the time
Oftentimes, there’s so much going inside my head and body that I’m just stuck and don’t know how to get it out.
I get scared that I won’t be able to accomplish my college dreams and support myself.
I guess a lot of my masking comes from not wanting to be yelled at by my parents.
Nightmares

Depression symptoms

Crying
Brain fog
End of the world feelings
Anxiety
not wanting to live
not caring about myself or other people
literally, just the simple fact that I have suicidal racing thoughts when I am depressed
Pulling at my hair in frustration of not being able to stop the negative thoughts
Paranoia
Immense guilt for being alive
Wanting to sleep my days away

Mania symptoms

Cutting my hair on impulse
Dying my hair on impulse
Anger
Wanting to make amends with people I haven’t spoken to in years
Craving nicotine (I don’t even smoke that which is weird that this has come up recently)
All I want to do is break things but I fear the repercussions
Believing I can see the future (predicting things)
PARANOIA (I feel like people are plotting against me and all my friends/family/strangers are all putting up an elaborate scam)
I feel like I’ve hidden my intensity for so long that I don’t even know how to let it out in constructive ways so it builds up as anxiety in my body and all I can do is just jump in the shower and sit in the tub and just breathe
Going to Vegas on no money
Going on dates with strangers / going to their house without even knowing all their info
Going to Yosemite and La in one day and going to work the next day
Connecting signs and having grandiose ideas
Everything being bright and hurting my eyes (screens hurt my eyes)
Thinking that I healed my bipolar and that it’s gone away
Irritation and taking it out on my pets or myself (throwing stuff, saying mean things)
Not finishing things I start
Forgetting to turn the stove off and burning the pot
Cleaning: psychomotor agitation
Wanting to mow the lawn at 2am

General Symptoms

Brain fog
Nausea
Not eating enough/ During mania, I won’t even be hungry until like 5pm, if at that. Food disgusts me during these times./ During depression, it fluctuates. Sometimes I eat too much or not enough.
Forgetfulness
Anxiety
Failing classes due to not having been medicated for years
Weight fluctuations
My days blend together

March 19,2021

2:25p see when I’m in this kind of state, I get ideas to do things but my energy level isn’t there to actually be able to do it. I just want to sleep. Why can’t that be enough right now

5:51p I just feel like the many Alexis’s are at a constant battle in my mind.

March 20, 2021

11:55p Honestly I’m just really trying to learn how to not hate myself for every little thing. To just be happy with whatever I do instead of criticizing myself.

March 23 2021

10:45am Deadlines stress me out

Not having wiggle room for fuck ups stresses me out. Having to be perfect stresses me out

8:29p no matter how many times I learn about bipolar disorder, I still can never find the correct words.

Is the difference in my symptoms/behavior….

Honestly I was feeling a bit hypomanic today. Ya girl had to go for a walk. I was dancing up and down in the car lmao. After pepper and I walked up a hill, my energy was exerted and I was chilling when I was driving home.

Don’t panic.

Anyway, I have to get some blood work done in the morning so I’m taking my ass to bed. Getting a good amount of sleep has proven to be helpful in my well-being.