Medications + Therapy With My Dad
Hey Siri play “Lose My Cool – Franc Moody Remix” by Amber Mark & Franc Moody
02/11/2020
Well this weekend was interesting. Well not really, I just got drunk on Friday at Jeff’s birthday party. I got to drive Connie’s Infiniti home so that was cool. Saturday, I just woke up hungover. That was not fun at all. Byron came over for a sleepover. Maya and Victoria came over as well. Honestly it was just a chill day. I worked all day Sunday. Monday, we cleaned the house. Pepper and Jada were playing together, it made my heart so warm. Then I took a bath. Got high, and overate. The overeating was not fun. I was trying to sleep early, but I woke up an hour after and couldn’t sleep for hours.
Anyways, I’m seeing Mr. Howard later. I’m kind of nervous. I know what I want to talk about but not really. I guess I just need help mending things with my dad, if they can be mended. I just don’t want my dad attacking me when I’m talking about my feelings. I guess we’ll see how this initial appointment goes. oh! I have a psychiatrist appointment on the 24th.
Life has been a little easier. Possibly because I now let myself feel the feelings. I have better coping skills, maybe because I lowered my Wellbutrin dosage. I’m coming to terms with a lot of things (but not really because I have a lot of unresolved feelings). MDMA is amazing; so many things that could come to play. I’m putting work into myself, for myself. Sometimes I do feel a little out of touch with reality because I really do live in my head. My depression really does come in waves, but I think it’s partly because my dad is a really big trigger for me.
02/13/2020
You’re making me feel -> I feel…
You’re not -> I need…
I don’t understand why you can’t -> Can you help me understand why
The story I’m creating is…
When x happened, I made it mean…
What I’m hearing you say is ________. Am I hearing that right?
I felt seen when you…
You were really there for me when…
02/14/2020
Well. I have so much anxiety right now. I’m nervous for therapy. I’m nervous I won’t know what to say. I’m nervous that I’ll say the wrong thing. What do I expect to get out of this?
- peace of mind
- my dad back in my life
- I don’t want things to be awkward anymore
- I want us to both be at ease when around each other
- I want to mend things and move forward
- I don’t want my everyday feelings to revolve around how my dad makes me feel
- I want to be set free from the pain
- I don’t want to be a victim of my trauma
- I want my inner child to be heard, to be healed, to be cared for
- I just want to not have it all together for once. I want people to stop telling me that I can’t be angry. I’ve never been able to just let my true feelings (hurt and anger) out. I have to keep those in, be the bigger person, and push forward. But how do I push forward if I haven’t acknowledged my anger, the child in me that is angry. But most of all, I just want my dad back. I miss being able to have dinner with him. I enjoyed the rides to school in the mornings. I miss talking to my dad about life. I miss talking to my dad about jobsites. I miss going with him to jobsites. I just want to be loved, out old. I want to know I matter
Bro why am I so nervous? I’m really shaking. I talked to Mr. Howard for a few minutes and I’m already on the verge of tears. There’s still so much that’s been unsaid. No one knows what’s going to come up. I wonder if he is nervous as I am. I guess I’m more nervous because it’s been so long since I’ve seen my dad. I honestly can’t even remember the last time I saw him. That’s sad, lol. What does my dad expect out of this? Why is he always late? Why can’t he reach out more? Bruh. I can’t even calm my nerves. I just want to get this over with.
02/18/2020
Lol. Therapy was something. I knew it was going to be difficult but I didn’t think it was going to be thaaat difficult. I was really on the verge of a whole ass panic attack, hyperventilating and shit. I don’t know, there’s so many emotions that come to surface when I reflect on the session. Maya was right, I did come out a whole new person! But not in the way that I had thought. I pictured myself coming out feeling loved and cared for by my dad. But I came out loving myself more, a whole new perspective on life, and more patient with myself as well. It just hit me harder than ever that all the healing is within me, not anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful that my father is available to come to therapy with me. He doesn’t have to but he does. I just realized that I am in control of my life: my emotions, how I react to things, how my trauma affects me, how I let people treat me. I am my own advocate. Of course, no one will ever fully understand what I’ve been through and they don’t need to because I know what I have been through. It’s just going to take time to get all the tools I need to heal. But that’s what life is, time, being patient because we all have our paths, they will never be the same.
Another thing that hit me was that well first, the outcome I hope to come out of going to therapy with my dad is just simply that we can have a father-daughter relationship. I can make business movies with him. Jerry and I can have the house! But if that is not the outcome then my world will not come crumbling down.
Wait main point. I also realized that this therapy is for me, not us. I’m doing this to heal myself so that I can move forward with my life. So that I don’t pass down this generational trauma to my kids. And so that my inner child heals so I’m not stuck in my life.
If it does happen, my dad not being in my life, it will hurt. Part of my life will be turned upside down, tossed in a loop. I would be left with so many questions regarding my car and paying for school.
02/21/2020
Lol. I noticed that I mostly take time to write in my journal during class. But hey it’s better than being on my phone. Honestly, I’ve been enjoying my alone time! I feel like I used to always want to be around people, but that can also be so draining. And I just don’t want to drain my energy because of other people. I want to save the energy for myself. I guess it’s because I have had to focus on myself more (therapy, doctor’s appointments, medications). I learned a while back that no one is there for you except yourself. Not to say people aren’t supporting you, but they aren’t/cannot be the ones doing the difficult (inner/outer) self-work. We have to get ourselves where we want to be, we know where we want ourselves to be in life. People can support us, push us, listen to us. But we have to get ourselves off our asses, essentially rip the band-aid off and do the work even when it seems impossible or scary. I guess it’s really just hitting me that there’s no “fighting” against life. We need to just figure out how to survive, what works best for us individually. We’re our own advocates! We need to speak up for ourselves. I learned that as difficult as it can be to stand up for yourself, if you can just get past that fear, it will be sooo much better than sitting back and letting people decide things for you. Letting them decide how to treat you. Like no!!! Life is too short, too unpredictable, too shitty just for us to sit back and not stand up for ourselves. We’re all going to die anyways. Why not make life enjoyable for fucks sake. Like damn, I already have my depression making me feel like shit. It makes my life miserable at times. I never know when a big episode is going to come. If I can describe it, at least when my own depression isn’t as bad, it feels like this big black/grey cloud jumping on a trampoline just waiting and waiting till it decides to jump off and onto my back. I have that following me, I have to find ways to cope so that it doesn’t kill me (as badly as I want it to sometimes). I have to find ways to make my life worth living even when all I feel are feelings of inadequacy.
Honestly, I lost my point a little bit, oops. Basically, I’ve had a revelation, a small one, I’m still trying to figure it all out but this is what I have learned so far:
- I choose who I want to spend my time with. My time and presence are valuable
- Therapy is for me. Yes, I want things to work with my dad but if they don’t, at least I tried. At least I can sleep well at night. I know I did my best. I get to heal myself, how great is that!
- Healing myself in every which way possible, in all the crevices
- I want my mind and body to be healed
- I want ways to manage the healing process so that this healing stays for the long term
- I want my sleep to be less interrupted. I want a restful sleep
- I want my mental health issues to be heard and managed so that I can function on a daily basis so that I can fulfill my dreams
- I want healthy relationships with family, friends, and partners
- I want my head on my shoulders, strong and sturdy
And I will get all of that! My life path is my life path. As shitty as I feel about it sometimes, it is my path. No one has lived my life, I have not lived anyone else’s.
