Ah! It’s been so long my dear blog. I’ve been going through it mentally. I think I’m just going to keep this short as to not stress myself out. I’ve been on Lithium for about 60 days now. I initially noticed an improvement in paranoia, in a sense of doom, in suicidal and hypercritical thoughts and in energy levels. The improvements persisted but I started to feel a little dull, as if I lost excitement and creativity. This continued and in the most recent weeks, things have been worsening. I’ve noticed an increasing sense of doom, suicidal and self-critical thoughts increasing, and decreased energy and motivation to do things. Even just typing this out is taking all my energy.

My birthday was this past Friday (the 18th) and I had a nice time. I worked, my coworkers made the day special. I went home and celebrated with my mom. I then finished off the night with a close friend. I might have drank too much wine and woke up with my first hangover in over a year! It was a lovely birthday but it was tainted by this depression I have been feeling.

I don’t know how to not hate myself for having such mental issues. I truly feel like a failure for not being completely healed. I’m strong so why can’t that strength be enough to rid myself of such troubles? I know I’m asking for the impossible here but holy fuck, I’m just really tired. And this mental state that I am in is making my everyday life difficult. I’m fighting so hard to not fall apart because I don’t want my work life to be affected since I just started there in May. I’m taking one class this summer, but I’m not even sure I can stay in it with how I have been feeling lately. Now my mental health affecting my education is something I have trouble with. I have these dreams but mentally, I just don’t care about them because nothing seems as apealing to me as not living anymore.

I just feel as if nothing, spiritually or physically, is helping me and I feel completely helpless. Honestly what is keeping me here right now is my dog, my plants, and my car. I don’t want my mom to be stuck taking care of those things if I were to not be here physically on this world anymore. Sigh. I’m just so tired. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this rut. And I want out of it ASAP because it drains me to be so sad and hopeless.

Life update: My car, Anita Baker, was having issues with the sunroof not closing. When I got my oil change, the dealership informed me that I had warranty and that they would fix the sunroof!!! It got fixed, thankfully. I was in need of new tires so on my birthday, I dropped my car off at the dealership to get taken care of. My first time buying tires, I feel like a grown woman lol. I got to enjoy driving a rental for a bit which was another highlight.

Oh fellow humans. I do hope that I can see my life through but at this moment in time, I see no light at the end of the tunnel and I also see no consequences for ending my life early. I guess I’m just holding out in hopes that my mental health will change and I will overcome the depression.

XO,

Alexis Mariah