My heart hurts!

As much as I try to heal myself, and I have healed a big portion and will continue to do so, I still have this big chunk of myself that has yet to be mended. It really sucks but I’m glad that I am aware of it now at a young age so that I am able to start working towards healing anyways. You know, so I don’t have to sit with this for the rest of my life and wait until my 40s to deal with the pain. I deserve to feel light and free, with nothing holding me back. I used to suffer everyday of my life, hoping for my life to end. And now, I’m so grateful to be alive and healthy. So now I actually care about myself and my life so of course I’m realizing my worth. Because of all the shit I have gone thru, I deserve to make the best of the rest of my life. I owe it to child Alexis to make her dreams come true, to make her feel heard and understood.

I guess I’m having trouble wrapping my head around having to describe what I’m feeling. And I’m trying to do this so I can better understand the pain and where it stems from. I know what it stems from but well, it’s just affected so many parts of my life that I’m feeling a little overwhelmed looking at it all. This just further proves that you honestly can not compare your life to anyone else because all of our lives are so unique and different. It’s like comparing a bird to a cup of tea, they just don’t correlate. Idk man, I’m just trying to do everything in my power to not kill myself. I wish my brain didn’t go straight into suicidal ideations at the first sign of trouble, but hey I’m working on it. One day at a time is the secret to living a better life, or so I have heard. I guess I feel so strange because I don’t know many people who heal themselves in the beginning over their life rather than their later half of life. Isn’t it strange how in a world with so many people, you can still feel so alone inside your head? It just goes to show you how truly powerful our minds are you know.

Yesterday really just taught me how much of the pain still lingers in my every day life. It’s like a stamp of heartache. The whole situation left me with a mountain of lingering affects. It honestly makes me trip out a bit when I piece it all together. It’s difficult to describe and I wish I had a better way of being able to express what the actual fuck is going in my head. Anyways, I have a lot of issues but they aren’t as bad as they used to be. My trust issues aren’t that bad but I do still have underlying fears of people keeping secrets from me, fears that people are lying to me, that people are just telling me things to shut me up. I still have a fear of losing my freedom again. I think that was the most detrimental thing anyone could ever do to someone, especially me because I’m a freaking bird. It’s as if someone clipped my wings just to leave me in a cage being monitored 24/7 by a hungry hawk. I still have a shit ton of nightmares. Panic attacks became a regular thing after everything. I lost who I was because who I was confident in being was deemed unacceptable. I had started to let people walk over me. I learned to not share how I was feeling because I didn’t want to make others uncomfortable.
Honestly the list could go on and on but right now, I think my heart is too in pain to continue that list. Maybe I can’t count just how many aspects of my life have been affected but maybe it’s just better that I actually don’t know. Maybe it’s a good thing the kind forgets stuff sometimes. Some memories are too painful to remember, but the body always remembers how it felt so there’s that too. Ugh. Ahhh. Maybe one day things won’t be as painful. And hopefully that’s the day that my heart comes back into my body. My poor heart was left in the past, as my mind & body were made to continue living the journey. But how could I return to pick up my heart if it’s too delicate to be carried??

And then that’s when I wonder, I’m realllllly going to have to open up about all this with my future partner? How does one even go about doing that? See these are the things I wished people talked about. No one teaches you how to open up to people, they don’t show you how to lay out your vulnerabilities onto a table. So you kinda just have to rip the bandaid off and wish for the best. But ugh, that just seems like a lot for one person to take in. I pray for their heart lol. But this also goes into the exact reason why I need an equal, someone who is just as strong as I am! Because my soul has been dragged through the depths of hell a million times, and despite it all, it managed to dust itself off every time just to shine just as bright as before. I need someone who is resilient as I am, now that would make me so incredibly happy. I think I would marry them right then and there, lol.
Oh Alexis. I wish I could tell you things will be easier, but I have no idea about that. All I know is that you have the strength to persevere through it all and get to your finish line.
I really do deserve to freaking heal!!! I have carried this heaviness in my heart for far longer than I ever would have liked. I’m totally over it and ready to work through it all. I just want to punch my pain in the gut you know. Just beat it up for being such a damn drag and pain in the ass!

I wonder what I’m going to be like in the future, after some more years of wear and tear. I hope my skin looks just as good because I don’t moisturize for no reason. But that’s besides the point. With all the pain my soul has gone through, it has definitely aged faster than I would have imagined. So I can only imagine how wiser I will be in a couple of years. I hope I’m a woman who comes up with some really cool bumper sticker life quotes lol. Bro. Imagine when I’m a mom?! Ugh I’m going to be so amazing! I’m a nurturer at heart so I’m going to find so much fulfillment in parenthood. How scary it is to have to keep something alive for so long lol. I wonder if my kids are going to be like me because if they are, I should prepare for that mentally ahead of time. That will be interesting for sure. But cool no doubt.

All I know is, I so look forward to days where my heart isn’t as heavy. Where I trust someone else to carry it from time to time. Days where I’m not so scared of losing someone. I’m close, just not quite there yet. But that’s the fun part of life. Because if you had nothing to heal or experience, life would just be so boring!! I guess that’s also why people say to not forget to have fun. We can’t avoid the pain and hardships so we might as well have fun and look good while going through a crisis.
lol I just wish I could get a CD with my whole life played back on it and I can just be reminded of all that I have overcome because I honestly forget sometimes. Because when I actually do take a second to look back at my life, I can’t help but to just hug myself. Life has been roughhhhh. It just sucks because society teaches you to minimize your pain, but that also teaches you to minimize your achievements as well. So I should be honest with myself and I am. Life hasn’t been easy and I’ve gone through some shit that can’t even be spoken of, it just weighs so heavy and that’s the thing that bothered me the most. I wonder why this has been so hard to heal.

Honestly, I’m just glad I can freaking face the pain now. I used to be so self destructive just to feel pain other than this. But now I just let myself process and feel the feels. Yay for me 🙂