Siri play “Stronger Than Me” by Amy Winehouse

This pandemic has had me thinking about a lot. Which says something because I’m already constantly thinking about a million things at once! I’m already getting better at it though, as I take the necessary steps to do whatever is needed in order to better manage my mental health, which includes learning to organize my thoughts! My way of managing my mental illness includes also letting things slip up every once in a while, being lenient with myself when I can’t win the battle of mental stability.

Honestly, I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I have gotten so much better as a whole entire human! You don’t understand just how good that feels to not only say, but to believe. I used to never have good days, let alone ones that go on for days, weeks, even months. And eventually, I’ll be able to say years! Of course, there are the things of human life and one can never avoid encountering negative experiences. But now these negative experiences don’t make me want to jump in front of a train at the first sight of a problem! My mental stability includes having the tools I need in order to have the confidence to buckle up and battle whatever is thrown at me.

See before, any sort of problem that showed up in my life would honestly drive me insane. It makes me laugh but also cry at how intense I used to be. I laugh because it’s so in your face, dramatic, a little scary, and I just haven’t seen that person in a long time, but I cry because the intensity that I was showing on the outside felt 100x worse on the inside of my brain. My mom said this thing the other day, she goes in a very nonchalantly voice while I’m ranting to her about how I realized I was in pain because of my period and I wasn’t actually dying, “I know you’re on your period when you’re bitchier. It’s one thing when it’s your attitude, but when it’s your mental illness and your attitude, all hell breaks loose.” Like y’all! Let me tell YOU! She was so damn right, I burst out into laughter because I agreed with her! I can be such a monster sometimes! I really try my best to not let it out but when it does slip up, I just let myself feel the feels and sort of just ride it out instead of fighting it and getting more upset with myself because I can’t just snap back to my normal mood. Of course, I also talk myself through it just to really get into the now moment and help myself realize that I am in control of my mind and emotions, I have the power within me to do what I feel I need to do in any moment.

To be quite honest, these are everyday morning thoughts for me. I never share them with anyone that aren’t my best friends actually. I wish I could share all these thoughts with people but I know that’s not like a “normal” thing to do. But ugh I really have great ideas about how to change the world and how to make the world a better place! I don’t know, I just think I would be a very great president one day! Maybe not a president because I’m not sure if I support hierarchies if that’s the word I’m trying to use, but something of that sort. ANYWAYS, I’m trying to say I never share these thoughts with people because this sharing of my brain with people is very personal. I really identify with myself and what I want to present to people. You might say “yeah so does everyone” but let me tell you, no not just everyone can identify with what they show to people, some people struggle with their identity and that is okay it happens! I just feel like these thoughts can be a little too much sometimes and I never want to bother anyone with them. I usually share them with my best friend but I always feel like I’m bothering her because who wants to wake up to lengthy text messages in the morning about why I believe the justice system is a joke, that colonizers are the worst of the worst, and how reverse racism does NOT exist. I guess that’s why I want to write books one day because I have so many words to share with people but I don’t want to feel as if I’m forcing them to read it but it’s okay because they would have to buy it in order to read it, meaning it’s their choice if they want to read it. Sometimes I share my rants with people outside of my close friend group but that only happens every blue moon.

All of this has me thinking lately. My next partner has to be able to “deal” with my endless rants. I’ve been a super-duper single unclaimed womxn for over a solid year now. It doesn’t sound long but look I’m only 21! What the hell was I doing spending my teen years in a relationship for?! Ugh kids, they really need to listen to their parents lol. So yeah I’ve been single for a good minute now. I’ve taken the time I needed to spend time alone and simply just date myself. Well, I also say dating my best friend because we were going through this spiritual journey together and really helping each other through the difficult parts like learning how to speak your truth as well as taking the time to learn about somebody (like their love language or communication style) so that you can both speak and understand each other better if that makes sense. I also have this bad habit of second-guessing my thoughts and saying “…if that makes sense” just because I don’t want anyone to think I’m crazy, I’m pretty self-conscious about that, coming off crazy. So I took all this time to work through myself and I’m still doing so every day. Unlearning old bad habits and learning new things. Learning to love myself enough so that I never have to question my worth when someone does something that hurts me and betrays my trust, like cheating or not wanting to be in a monogamous relationship with just me. Learning that some people don’t want to be fixed or helped, they’ll change when and if they want to change. See I just had a whole skewed view of love, of what it looked like and what it should feel like. Love isn’t something you ever have to feel guilty about. Love isn’t something you ever have to hide. Love is being able to show the world, or not because privacy ya know. Love is patience, understanding, truthful. Love is a choice! Love is beautiful. Love is something I look forward to having, one day.

That one day will come eventually but honestly, I’m in no hurry. I’ll be 22 in 48 days (June 18th, your favorite Gemini here). I’m still getting my bachelor’s degree done. I’m stuck in school for another 12 years or however long it takes to get my Ph.D. Like how do I even commit to anyone right now when I don’t feel as I have much to bring to the table? Okay well I do, I’m a pretty great person and I have the brains and life skills and whatever, I’m great! But I don’t have what I would expect from someone else in order for me to consider a really full-blown committed relationship. I expect from my partner and myself financial stability (financial generosity), a homeowner (I guess a something-owner in this economy), mental stability, college degrees, and what have you. I just refuse to settle down with someone less than what I desire. And that’s a good thing. It might sound intense but why should anyone settle for something less than what they want? If you aren’t happy with something, then why stay? Make it make sense! I just refuse to do anything that makes me unhappy. I was unhappy for so long, why would I ever want to be in that awful place again?

I never had any awful relationship but I did have relationships where I was co-dependent. But through a lot of hard internal work, I grew up and learned from that. But now I kinda just don’t let anyone help me like at all so there’s that lol. I thought I was super open to anyone that comes my way right, but the truth is, I am scared! There are so many things that go into building a relationship, let alone maintaining one. It takes up a big chunk of your time, it makes you chunky, and it’s literally just letting someone become apart of your everyday routine! That’s freaking wild! I constantly tell my friends how happy I am to just have my freedom and not be bothered by a significant other, I can just do me and not report to anyone. I just love being alone basically. It’s just, who isn’t more at peace when they’re alone ya know? But it’s about being able to find that person you can be at peace with when you’re together as well, right? But geeeez, that takes some work to find!

Until then, I’ll just be living my life. I’m not really looking for love. I’m honestly just looking forward to getting my degrees and being able to build generational well 😂 Plus, I feel like it’s going to take me some time to find that someone that can be there for me in every which way possible, buy a house for me, buy a house for my dog, and whatnot. Idk I would expect my partner to look for those same exact things from me so it only makes sense I would want that from them as well. Also, I’m young, I’m in no rush to find the love of my life. I don’t even know what type of relationship I would want to begin with! What if no one even wants to marry me? Now that would be crazy, wouldn’t it? But I’m pretty freaking great so let me remind myself of my worth! Bye! Happy Friday!

Also, I would like to just say that, just because I am no rush to be in a relationship does not mean I am in any more of a reason to listen to any male bullsh*t! But I do like flowers, dates to places of my choice, coffee, and going places worth bringing my cameras with me 😉

“A lady likes to be complimented on her looks, her eyes, her figure. But the personality comments are much appreciated” – Betty White, my favorite human!