Blog Posts

Mourning A Forbidden Love

Siri play “Darling Baby” by The Elgins

I don’t know what’s worse, mourning a love that you got the opportunity to fully embrace or a love that you only got a glimpse of? My love life has been interesting, to say the least. I have had relationships of all types with people of all walks of life and all sorts of time spans. I have had relationships that lasted years and some that well, never even got to the point of being able to be labeled as a “relationship” since it wasn’t anything more than a situationship.

My first heartbreak was the most painful, I’m pretty sure everyone’s first heartbreak was the most painful, they always are. I don’t think you can ever completely forget your first heartbreak because you never forget the first person to split your heart into two. I remember being so dramatic, throwing pillows across the room, and crying endlessly. It’s easy to look back and laugh at my actions but at the moment, I swear I felt like a piece of me died! My heart fell out of my chest and into my lap so that I could see for myself how much damage had been done to it. Maybe a piece of me did die. You trusted this person with your entire being yet they still left and left footprints on your heart as they walked away so effortlessly. The sad reality of being human is not being able to escape the pain of heartache. It’s something we tell our kids to be wary of it but I think that hinders their love journey because we simply cannot escape being heartbroken. We cannot run from it. As much as we want to avoid the pain, it’s going to happen regardless so it’s best to suit up with some proper armor and stand your ground. It’s bound to happen because we need to go through the journey of life, even if it includes scraping your knees and elbows along the way.

The heartbreaks that hurt the most for me are the ones that come from relationships that never grew past being a situationship. Situationships teeter between a full-blown committed relationship and a friendship. You two aren’t friends but you aren’t partners either, you’re just in limbo between the two. I used to think situationships were for me. You get to have a friend that is also almost a partner without the commitment but with similar experiences. Maybe they still are for me but I don’t think so. I gravitated towards them in the past because I was just starting my dating journey. I was learning what I want from someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still on this journey but I am a bit more clear on what I want now. I believe I settled for situationships before because I did not want to come to terms with the harsh reality of acceptance. Acceptance of myself and the situation. I did not want to accept what I always knew deep down inside me.

That being two things. The first being that I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t ready to be monogamously committed to someone. It feels so weird to say that now because I now believe people shouldn’t be committing to anyone until a few years into their twenties, enjoy your youth because you won’t get that back! I wasn’t ready to accept that I’m “different” from society. It is just the simple fact that monogamous relationships are the ones predominately being portrayed in the media while anything else besides monogamy is frowned upon. I understand that a lot of people’s fears come from being cheated on but no label or marriage certificate can stop someone from doing what they want to do. You can only hope they respect you enough to be truthful but more often than not, they can’t even face the truth themselves. I grew up thinking that I was broken because I couldn’t do what everyone else was doing at such a young age.

The second is being unable to accept the situation for what is. Two people afraid to be alone with themselves so they settle for this situation that will bring problems in the future. There always seems to be one person in that duo that ends up catching more feelings than the other. That other person being ME! I’m learning that there’s a difference between being friends with benefits (FWB) and being in a situationship. At least when you’re FWB you both established and discussed, well hopefully, that you two will never be more than just friends. In a situationship, you think that you’re “going with the flow” but really, you are going against your gut and instinct. You get stuck between wanting to experience this person and wanting to be single but at the same time, being afraid of being alone.

Every situationship is different but this is the way mine went. This person and I would be more than friends but not have a boyfriend and girlfriend title. I thought that this worked for me but the fact that we would act like we were in a relationship and they would tell me things that you should only tell someone in a relationship, really made things quite messy. They get messy because nothing was discussed in the beginning. And they weren’t discussed in the beginning because neither party wanted to establish proper healthy boundaries because that would require them to be honest with themselves about what they really want.

The feelings that arise for me after the ending of a situationship were enough to prove to me that I did not want that in my life. It makes me question my worth. Am I good enough for anyone if I couldn’t get this person to commit to me? What don’t I have that the other girl has that they were so easily able to commit to? Was I just a sex object to them? Did I mean nothing to them? Did they not mean the things they said? No one should ever feel as if they have to question their worth because of someone else. Those thoughts still cross my mind from time to time. You always wish you are enough to make someone change but it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with themselves. You can give someone your entire world but if that’s not the world they want, that’s not the world they’re going to take. You owe it to yourself to decide how much you want to put up with. Do you really want to be in an actual relationship with this person if they can’t even give you what you want right now? You’re the only person who has to sleep with your thoughts at night so it’s up to you on how you want to approach the situation. Sit alone with yourself for a bit and just think about what will make YOU happy. Will waiting around for someone to be ready for you make you happy?

I had to learn my lesson the hard way, many times. It included countless conversations of both parties going in circles explaining why either person felt a certain way because no boundaries were established in the beginning or along the way. I tried to leave many times but I kept holding on to the hope and ideas of what could be. What would actually dating him be like? Would the love feel just as magical as I imagine? What if he does decide to change? You can’t hold onto the hope that maybe someone will like you enough to change themselves, one should never cling on to such a pointless hope. If they truly do see themselves with you, they will make it known. So don’t sit around waiting to get the answer you desire. All the answers you were hoping to get clarity on were inside you all along. But you have to lead your life with your gut to receive that clarity. You have to quiet the voices coming from your heart and listen to what you yourself already know. We do a lot of things that hurt us because we choose to not listen to that all-knowing voice inside us. We choose to be dumb! Like my family always tells me, “mira, no mas para hacerse pendeja.” This is true, sometimes I do choose to be dumb because I don’t want to face the reality of what I know is to come: the ending of this situationship.

Accepting that this situationship has to end means you have to accept that the person you longed for is not going to change. They aren’t going to become the person you want them to. The saying about the horse and water is SO true! You can’t force someone to change. You can serve them a platter of your greatest qualities and your feelings for them, but they can turn that away and say they aren’t hungry for it. I struggle with my self-worth at times so when I am put in a place where I have to accept that everything people praise me for isn’t enough to get this one person to stay, I have to remind myself that they were a lesson, not my entire life. So you end things. You always hoped things wouldn’t get this messy but they do and all you can do is clean up your half of the mess but within yourself. For me, I had to face the fact that holy damn, I really did have feelings for them! I had feelings for this person that clearly couldn’t respect me the way I needed them to. I’m all for people dating and seeing however many or as little as possible people, but it’s all about being ethical and honest with everyone you involve yourself with. Remind yourself of your worth every damn day so that you aren’t questioning it when the people you want to stay in your life, leave.

But the heartbreak isn’t all that bad. Well, the pain is but the ritual of mending one’s own heart is beautiful. I like to bury myself in the lyrics of songs that are all about heartbreaks. I’ve made so many playlists for each type of heartache I’ve had (all of which are public on my Spotify). Spanish songs or oldies are definitely my go-to genres when I’m going through a heartbreak. They help me face my emotions and just sing through them. I’m pretty sure everyone around me is tired of hearing me play the same songs over and over again. It’s actually funny writing about this because I’m noticing patterns I hadn’t before. I don’t realize I’m heartbroken until a few days into it because I didn’t want to honest with myself and admit that I was actually hurt by someone who I shouldn’t have let into my heart. But then the universe gives me signs that basically tell me that I need to actually talk about my feelings in order to process what is happening. Without doing that, I can’t move forward. You have to open your chakras to heal. So I sing along to these songs that make me cry because it heals parts of my heart I didn’t know needed healing. I dance because my body gets stiff when it’s sad. I go for walks because I have to remind myself that this heartbreak isn’t the end of me. I treat myself to bubble baths and roses because I deserve to give myself some TLC. I stretch and reach for the sun to remind myself that I am in fact, that b*tch with it all. I continue spreading love and kindness because I refuse to let anyone take that away from me. I turn my essential oil diffuser on, burn my incense and candles, and write. Write about what I don’t want to admit to anyone because my voice does deserve to get heard, even if it is just myself hearing my own voice. I meditate and become open to Divine guidance.

Once I start going through the process of realizing that I am heartbroken and need time to heal, that’s when life starts falling back into place again. It was only sad and foggy because I refused to take off the rose-colored glasses to see the truth that I was avoiding from the beginning of that situationship. That I was afraid to be alone. Surprisingly though, coming to that realization wasn’t as difficult to face as I thought it would be. I put myself through so much turmoil and emotional damage because it seemed easier at the time than accepting that I am (or was) afraid to be alone. I suppose we all fear being alone because we think we’ll be alone forever or that being alone means we’ll have no one. But that’s us not seeing what is right in front of us! We are not alone. We might feel alone but we’re never alone. There is always someone to be there for you. Your family. Friends. Co-workers. Therapist. Psychiatrist. Me! We must show gratitude for what is right in front of us instead of focusing on what we don’t have. We must look at life from a place of gratitude. Lovers come and go (and so do the other people but still), but the rest are constants in your life that you don’t have to worry about. Don’t be so fearful of being alone because you aren’t. Maybe you don’t have a significant other yet but they will arrive in divine timing. What is meant for you will be, just be patient.

Why rush through life? Okay well, I get it, we want to rush because we want what we want. We say we deserve it so why can’t we have it right now? But what does it benefit anyone to get what they want without having to have worked for it? The universe throws these obstacles at you to test you, to see where you are in your level of growth. Imagine you got the person that you wanted instantly, but because you didn’t do the personal work you needed to do to accept that person in divine timing, well now it won’t work out with them because you didn’t grow the way you were supposed to. Be patient. I know it’s hard, trust me, I want my divine partner just as much as anyone wants theirs! It’s important to change your perspective on patience so that it isn’t something to dread. Instead of looking at your current life as you not having a significant other, look at it as the time you have to be with yourself! You have time to do what YOU want to do without having to “report” to anyone. You are able to explore life, you’re able to work through what keeps you stagnant in life. You are able to become the best version of yourself so you are ready to receive the divine love you deserve but don’t forget to love yourself first!

It’s important to be patient throughout the mourning of forbidden love, or any love for that matter. At the end of the day, everything the universe throws at us are just lessons. It’s up to us if we want to learn from those lessons but do trust that the universe will keep throwing the same lessons at you until you decide to face them. Feel the feels. Sing your heart out. Paint. Meditate. Eat nutritious food. Dance. Heal. Every day, choose to do what makes you happy because your happiness is all that matters in your life. Be your own advocate! Advocate for your wants and needs. Let your voice be heard!

Until we receive our divine love, let’s appreciate that we are able to experience such a journey! While I patiently (I’m really trying to be patient) for my divine love, I will continue working on myself because we never stop growing and evolving. Plus look at this way, it’s a good thing that situationship did not work because then I wouldn’t be able to accept the love that is meant for me. I like to write down what I’m looking for in a partner so that I have clear intentions about what in a partner I desire. The universe has been giving me signs that my divine love is so amazingly fit for me, I cry because I know I deserve a love that was made me for me, and that my divine love will be getting such an amazing partner!

Check out my playlists Forbidden Amor, Pobrecita, La Pendeja, Llorona, Sucks4U, and Oldie$ on Spotify to experience the wave of emotions I go through to mend my heart! They’re actually filled with really great songs and I suggest listening to them whenever. @AlexisMGutierrez (I have Apple music too but I prefer Spotify)

“If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?”

—Maya Angelou